The 15 Commandments

People are impossible to pin down, but lists are black and white, no grey areas.

Soon I will break out of this prison, they don’t call me a mad genius for nothing. Well, sometimes they forget the term genius. They will learn. I, Lex Luthor, shall rule over  Metropolis first and then the world. These are my commandments. God only had 10, I have 15!

1. Thou shalt not wear thy underpants outside thy trousers. 

Why do some people feel a need to overshare in public? They are deviants and should be named and shamed. Are we dealing with clean undergarments, or does the fact they require constant airing tell something of the dirty nature of the wearer? The whole attitude is a disgrace. Of course, as I will be Supreme Leader, only I shall be allowed to wear ‘The Underpants of Power’ that will be displayed in all their glory over my trousers. Anyone else attempting to copy me shall be considered a radical and therefore imprisoned indefinitely

1. Thou shalt not have telephone booths

Why would anyone get undressed in an area designated for emergency calls? Back in the day there were people who vandalised phone booths, even some who peed and crapped in there amidst the stickers advertising call girls and bad boys. That was a disgrace, but to enter a telephone booth in order to remove your own clothes only to put them on again, (back to front, underpants to the fore as covered in item 1), that is the brainchild of a twisted mind. We are freed from such constraints and I am thinking out of the box, literallym because  there is no requirement for phone booths in this era. This leaves the scenario of wriggling out of your clothes in the street while holding your mobile phone, the act of a  voyeuristic hedonist  that I could only approve for myself! 

3. Thou shalt not wear shiny ‘all in ones’ in lurid primary colours. 

This decree may not go down too well with the Lycra clad cycling crew, but I’m sure they can tone down the colour scheme while  toning up their thighs, No one needs to be dressed in bright blue and red, those are the kind of basic shades that kindergarten kids look to for their cuddly toys. At least Batman has the decency to seem mean and gothic, but a guy dressing with all the finesse of a muppet on speed, how is that anything to respect? Only I shall be able to wear a pure coloured onsie ,a regal purple and gold, just like the pope, but with more people kneeling in fear. That’s me 

4. Thou shalt not wear a Cape

This is something I have been clear about from day one. To begin with it is a health and safety hazard, people who have to be ready for any eventuality do not want something trailing, therefore long hair should be tied back or secured in a hair net. Scarves or ties are not allowed while working with machinery, and never let me see anyone apart from phantom of the opera wearing a cape. I would not bother with such flouncy foolishness, although when I am supreme leader I may wear a shrug, something that will keep out the cold, and in gold and silver thread, perfectly fitting for my imperial status.

5. Thou shalt never fly without mechanical means 

This goes without saying, I will arrange a codicil that excludes avian and insect life, however I fear the flying squirrels and bats will have to be banned. Any flying fish will be immediately deleted, and the only person eligible for jet packs shall be myself, as his highness, (on high), where I shall be able to glide over the continents and the seas without breaking a sweat.

6.Thou shalt not remain on earth if not born here.  

 Anyone who is an alien is to be condemned to immediate death, no exceptions. No point begging and crying, boo hooing that you love it here and never want to leave or that your planet has been blown to smithereens, (as you probably deserved it). Piss off back to where you belong, if I don’t kill you first.

7.Thou shalt never visit the North or South Pole. 

I like to think of myself as an eco warrior. Greta would be furious if anyone disturbed the penguins or the polar bears, or whatever habitat its bold enough to hide the lovely oil we need. Who needs a stupid Fortress of Solitude anyway, unless you're a friendless geek who should go and spin on it? The ice will be melted away to get to all that lovely black gold, and your fortress shall sink into the mushy permafrost, like a clumsily kid who has dropped their only slush puppy on a hot day: bye bye cry baby.

 8. Thou shalt have kryptonite added to the water supply. 

The water shall be made useful to every resident so they can enjoy the benefit and life giving properties kryptonite bestowes. We will drink a glass full of glorious green glowing H2O morning and night to ensure healthy teeth, health minds and healthy bodies. Those who do not drink shall be executed. 

9. Thou shalt not have your hair in a quiff. 

Men’s hairstyles can be so much more than brylcreem and slick dark waves. I propose all be shaved: a jarhead style for men and women. This ensures we won't be tempted to preen and will be an honour as it mirrors my spartan hirsute look. This brings me to my next commandment. 

10. Thou shalt not wear glasses if you don’t need them. 

Everyone shall have an eye test and if glasses are found not to be required, anyone wearing them, (except sunglasses) shall be sentenced as guilty of deceiving. As a form of disguise it is ridiculous and anyone could easily see through it, (every pun intended). However, the sheer duplicity of trying to look more learned than you are means you are obviously very dumb and should be punished severely. Permanent blindness would be just punishment. 

11.Thou shalt not pose.

 If you think you look good, then you should never flout your square jawed profile, or stand with arms folded and legs spread, as if you are a statue waiting to be carved. This posture is only for the ultimate leader, i.e. myself, whose eminence shall straddle the world and therefore apt only for my absolute power.

12. Thou shalt never utter the abomination that is the word ‘Super’. 

I shall wipe off the face of the earth the word super and replace it with stupid. Therefore stupidsonic, stupidcalifragilisticexpialidocious, stupidlative, stupidnatural. Even the word soup shall no longer be in use (phonetically it holds to many echoes of the banned word), and shall be replace with the term stew. 

13.Thou shalt not move too fast.       

 Anything that is not a speeding bullet shall obey the 50 mile an hour rule. Air ships will plod sedately through the sky, and one jet will exist for The Overlord. It will be a stupidsonic jet and will carry me wherever I wish. 

14. Thou shalt respect Thine enemy's enemy as a friend. 

Jimmy Olsen got sick of Lois being swept away by brute force and ignorance. Me and Jimmy are pals and we will ensure that we stand united. Jimmy will be my second in command and my right hand man. He’s got no need to feel blue again. 

15. Thou shalt not have rhyming nomenclature.

 If  both your first name and surname begin with the same letter, or sound like they do, that is an evil trait. There is an algorithm that reveals the Clarks and Lois’s in this world have a tendency to cause trouble if allowed to chime and rhyme. These factors will be instantly neutralized through a brain wipe and renaming, or a total extermination.  As for myself, I am of course the exception to the rule and will be unique in the globe, all things resting on my shoulders like Atlas, I can bear the weight.

There you have my ultimate decrees and as soon as I get out of this padded cell and into my adamantine palace, I will be reborn. I shall wear my golden shrug, matching shining underpants and a large L  will be emblazoned across my chest. It stands for Lex Luther Lord of Legions. Never let me hear you whisper ‘Looney’, as the punishment for that is to be encased in kryptonite and shot into the sun. Thus I prove my total superiority and sanity.