Dear Diary

July 1, 10:19PM

Dear Diary,

Mum seems to be doing better since getting home from the hospital. She’s been talking and laughing with me quite a bit, and she even asked for pasta for dinner tonight. I probably shouldn’t have given it to her, but she hasn’t been able to eat much but mush lately, so I just made it with plain sauce and I cut the noodles up into small pieces so she would be able to eat them easily. After dinner, I wheeled her outside and we went down a block to the park where kids like to set off those fireworks. It’s not the same as going to the big Canada Day celebration the city holds, but it’s easier to get her down the street than it would be to load her into the car, drive all the way there, fight with parking, find a spot to sit, and not be able to easily get home if she gets tired. The kids put on some good fireworks, though, so that’s what counts.

After I got Mum down to bed, I went out for a drive. There were still some people setting off fireworks late into the night, so I ended up pulling over at another park a little way from home and I watched their display. It was a cute little family. Mom, dad, three kids. The kids were running around with sparklers. I could see their little faces illuminated in the light coming off them, and their little eyes were so full of wonder. Honestly, it made my uterus hurt. LOL. God, I want some kids of my own so badly, but you kind of need a partner before you can make some babies.

It was kind of bittersweet for me. On one hand, I had a really good time watching the kids running around and seeing their reactions to the fireworks, but on the other hand, a part of it was just downright depressing. It was like this harsh reminder of everything I’m missing out on. I love Mum and I’d never turn my back on her, but I feel like there’s some part of me deep down that kind of resents having to take care of her…? I don’t have my own place, I have no time for dating or having a family of my own, and I’m just so, SO tired. It’s taking everything out of me. All I do all day is run errands, clean the house, change Mum’s diapers, feed her, keep her socialized and entertained, and I basically do nothing for myself. Going out for this drive tonight was the first real “me time” that I’ve had in weeks.

Oh well. I guess you don’t pick your lot in life. And like I said, I love Mum. I’d never turn my back on her.

July 3, 9:14AM

Dear Diary,

I take back everything I said in my last entry please please please don’t take my mum from me I need her. Without her I have no one.

July 4, 8:24AM

Dear Diary,

Mum passed away at 3 this morning. I’m not really sure what to do with myself. I don’t even really know what happened. She was doing well and then suddenly she wasn’t. One night we’re watching fireworks and then the next night she’s more tired than usual, and then I wake up the next morning and she’s crying and calling out for me because she’s in so much pain and I just…don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle this. How do you handle this?

July 8, 3:55PM

I usually write more often than this but I’m just kind of broken right now. Sorry.

I’ve been apartment hunting. I can’t afford to stay in this big empty house by myself. My brother came to town and we spent a few days going through Mum’s things, donating and selling what we could and throwing out some stuff. Obviously, we kept some stuff for ourselves. I am now the proud owner of more books than I know what to do with. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him and, honestly, I have no idea what possessed him to show up. He’s always so busy living it up in the big city, like rich fancy lawyers do. He never had time for his family before. I guess now that Mum’s gone, things are different. He asked if I want to do dinner tonight. I don’t remember the last time I ate with my brother.

I’ve found a pretty promising place that wants someone to move in as soon as possible. I’d have to pay rent for the entire month of July even though we’re over a week in, but to have my own place, that doesn’t seem like such a big deal. A year from now, will I remember having to pay an extra couple hundred dollars for a week of rent that I didn’t get to enjoy? Nah.

I’m going to check it out tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me. Funeral is on Saturday.

July 9, 4:38PM

Dear Diary,

Got the apartment!

Dinner went well with my brother last night. He even came with me to take a look at the apartment. He knows all sorts of fancy tricks to make sure your apartment is good before renting it, and he said the place is pretty solid. Electricity and water are reliable, no signs of mould or mildew or anything like that… I guess I trust him, so I signed the lease and they gave me the keys. He even offered to help me move my stuff in from Mum’s house tomorrow. Who is he and what has he done with my brother?!?

On the way out, we got to meet the neighbour across the hall. She’s around my age, and super pretty. Like, spicy redhead kind of pretty. She had a cute kid, too. Maybe six years old, or seven? I’m not sure, it’s hard to tell, but he very proudly told me that his name was Liam and he was going to be a firefighter when he grew up. I told him that was a super awesome career choice because firefighters are heroes, and that means he’ll be a hero. You should have seen this kid’s face light up, Diary. For a second, I was so excited to go home and tell Mum all about it.

So, tomorrow is gonna be a day of moving my stuff into my new apartment. We’re almost done cleaning out the house. My brother is going to handle the realtor stuff, since he deals with real estate people all the time. He also asked me if I want to grab drinks after the funeral tomorrow. He’s spoken to me more in the last week than he probably has over the course of our entire lives. Weird.

July 10, 11:11PM

Dear Diary,

Make a wish!

It probably sounds silly, but I wish for the spicy redhead across the hall. Also, I wish to never have to go to another funeral again in my entire life. How depressing. I was really lucky to have my brother there. He barely left my side, sat with me the whole time, and rubbed my back when I cried. After it was done, we went out for drinks and we talked for a while. He got a little bit tipsy and he was telling me how one of his coworkers had just lost their entire family in a car accident. I can’t even imagine how horrible that would be. Apparently, it got my brother thinking about how strained his relationship has been with me and Mum lately, and when he got my message that Mum had passed away, he realized that it must be some sort of sign that he needs to fix things with me before it’s too late. Weird, but I guess I’m grateful. He’s been really helpful since coming to town.

July 12, 5:48PM

Dear Diary,

Maybe some wishes are meant to come true. I ran into the spicy redhead again in the stairwell this morning (her name is CARRIE) and she seemed really frantic. I asked if she was okay, and she said she had to go to work but her babysitter had just called to cancel. She was losing her mind. Poor lady. I told her that I didn’t really have any plans for the day except writing thank-you cards to the people who sent flowers for the funeral yesterday, so I said maybe she could drop him at my place and we could watch some TV and do colouring pages? She thought that was an amazing idea. So, I spent the day babysitting.

He was a chill kid. He didn’t throw any tantrums, he asked for things politely, and he didn’t want to watch really weird kiddie shows. He picked decent kid shows, the kind that have subtle adult humour so parents don’t get miserable trying to watch with their kids. I fed him some grilled cheese for lunch and we just vibed for a while until his mother got home. She was super grateful. She even gave me a hundred bucks for the day. Maybe I need to go into the babysitting business.

July 17, 10:36AM

Dear Diary,

Apparently, my brother’s having good luck with the house. He had to go back to the city for the week so he didn’t miss out on too much work, but after he was done work on Friday he came right back here. We got three offers, so he came over this morning to go over them with me. Carrie and her kid were over when he got here because, apparently, she and I are best friends now ever since I babysat the kid for her. On Tuesday she even brought me some brownies and a drawing that her kid made of us eating grilled cheese, watching cartoons, and vibing. Nice.

The offers on the house were pretty good. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such big numbers on paperwork with my name on it! I thought that picking the highest offer was the logical course of action, but my brother pointed out all sorts of stuff in the offers that I wouldn’t have even thought about – like when they’re able to move in and stuff like that. We ended up picking the middle offer out of the three.

It’s really bittersweet, letting go of Mum’s house. I mean, we grew up there. Pretty much all of my memories are tied to that house in one way or another, but at this point in my life, I really have no use for a four-bedroom house. I can’t afford it on my own. Maybe one day, when I have a family, but not yet.

July 20, 11:42PM

Dear Diary,

I am GUSHING. Just MELTING.

Carrie came over after work tonight. She made dinner for me and the kid, and the three of us had a really nice evening. She left for a bit to put the kid to bed, but she came back afterwards, since it’s just across the hall. She even joked that hanging out with me is like going out and staying in at the same time, which was pretty cute.

She brought over a bottle of wine and we had a couple of drinks. Then, I’m not really sure how it started, but we KISSED. It’s been less than two weeks and I somehow already got to KISS the spicy redhead. I’m still in awe. My lips are still tingling. It was even better than I thought it would be. And then, after the kiss, she didn’t seem to regret it or anything. She didn’t act weird about it, we just kept on chilling, and she kissed me AGAIN before going back to her place!

Best. Night. Ever.

July 22, 6:12PM

Dear Diary,

My brother has actually been calling me regularly. Not for any reason, just to check in. He tells me about his day, and I tell him about my day, and we laugh, and it’s really, really nice. I never thought I’d have a relationship like this with my brother. I hope it lasts.

Speaking of hoping things last, I talked with Carrie today about what happened the other night. I didn’t see her much yesterday because she had work and then had to take the kid to karate class, which I didn’t even realize the kid did, so I only saw her in passing. Today, though, I went over there after I heard her get back from work. I baked cookies! They were nowhere near as good as the brownies she made, but it’s the thought that counts. I brought her some cookies, and we talked about the kissing, and we’ve basically agreed that we want to continue doing the kissing. And the hanging out. And the cuddling. Did I mention the cuddling?

So… we’ve talked about it, and we’ve agreed to start dating. I know it’s probably really fast, but you know what? When you know, you know. At least, that’s my philosophy. I haven’t really had any experience with it before now. My brother was encouraging, though. I just got off the phone with him, and he said I should go for it. The worst that can happen is it fails epically, right?

July 29, 9:28PM

Dear Diary,

Sorry I haven’t been writing much. I just haven’t really had a lot of downtime. I’ve been spending almost every evening with Carrie and the kid. We even went out on a couple of proper dates while the kid was being babysat or while the kid was at karate lessons. On the weekend, we had a really nice lunch date at a restaurant I’ve been dying to try – ugh, the pasta was to DIE for – and then on Wednesday evening we went to see a movie while the kid was in karate class. Not a long movie, we picked one with a short runtime so we would be back at the karate place in time to get the kid, but the point is, we went on a movie date!

Things are going really well. To be honest, I thought this entire month was going to suck after Mum passed away… but my brother has been such a huge help in dealing with that, and Carrie has been really understanding and supportive, too. We went to visit Mum’s grave today when she finished work. I really wish Mum could have met her, but at the same time, I wouldn’t have met her if not for losing Mum. I like to think that Mum somehow knew this was what I needed, although I know in reality she’d have preferred to stay here with me longer. Still, as much as I miss her, I am glad that things have worked out the way they have. I was so tired and drained towards the end, but since getting my own place and moving in with Carrie, I feel so happy and full of life. I feel amazing. I hope this lasts.

July 30, 3:53PM

Dear Diary,

Just when things are going well… I CRASHED THE CAR. Ughhh.