Retirement Party

“Hey stop tugging me!” I yelled at an old lady. Geez, did she not know how to take a hint? 

“Your loss, kid,” she said before looking for her next target.  

Maybe I made a mistake of coming to a retirement home party, but, hey, the food is fairly good.  

“Yo, young buck,” said an old man, “do you have a lighter on you?” 

“No, sir,” I replied. 

“Lame,” the elder laughed and asked someone else. 

Not going to lie, that statement hurt. I thought going to a party like this would mean I was safe from insults. I can’t let him get away with this. 

“Gramps, keep it moving,” I said in my head. My mouth didn’t work with telling insults. Plus, that aged man had a cane with him. He could hit me with that. 

I walked around the party, looking to play bingo with some of the party-goers.  

“Hey, would you guys like to pl-” I started. 

“Get out of here, sport.” One of them responded. “I’m already up past my bedtime and not in the mood to be dealing with children.” 

“I’m very sorry dilapidated old man,” I said. 

“

What do you mean by that,” the man said standing up. He got in what looked like a fighter’s stance other than the fact that his back was slouched and his knees were buckled.  

“Chuck, calm down,” the lady next to him said, “He’s not worth it.” 

“I don’t want any problems,” I responded before walking away. I suppose playing bingo with drunk senior citizens wasn’t the best option anyways. 

“Why am I here anyway?” I thought to myself. “Oh yeah, gramps asked me to go for him. Can’t believe he thought I could pass as a sixty-eight-year-old man just because I was wearing his signature striped t-shirt.” 

“Carl is that you,” one man squinted at me. 

“Yeah, how’s it going,” I responded, doing my best to make my voice gruffer.  

“I’ll tell you how I’m doing when you pay up that money you owe me,” the ancient man said, getting close to my face.

He mustn’t have believed in personal space. No one gets in my personal space. I let people get away with a lot of things- like when a kindergarten robbed me at pencil point two days ago- but never that. 

“Get in my face one more time, and those dentures are going to fly out,” I snapped.  

“Real tough Carl,” the man responded. “Shu juh shu juh shu juh.” 

“You okay?” I asked. 

“I’ll show you okay,” the man responded before a striking blow made its way across my face. 

5 minutes later 

My eyes opened back up. How long had I been out? What even happened? 

“Oh, that,” I said to myself as I looked over to the old man I was arguing with laying on the ground. 

“Phil, do you need us to call the hospital,” a concerned man said. 

“No need for that,” Phil replied, “I’m not used to punching people. Must’ve drained all my energy.” 

“Who were you fighting?” one man said. 

“Steve Urkel’s look-alike,” Phil said, pointing his dusty fingers at me. “Thought it was Carl at first, must be someone else. You know how my vision gets.” 

“Argh,” a woman said to me, “It’s always you youngers trying to start up drama.” 

I stood up. I was having a nice dream about building the perfect Lego set while knocked out cold, and I wake up to this? Pitiful.  

“Get him, Sylvia, matter fact, everyone go get him. Go show him how we do it!” Phil said. 

“What type of old people are they,” I thought to myself.  

They swarmed me into a corner. To be honest, they didn’t move very fast, especially since most of them are in wheelchairs and using canes. There’s strength in numbers, though. 

“I can’t believe I wanted you,” the old lady from earlier barked at me. 

“I can’t believe your teeth haven’t fallen out yet,” I retorted. 

Reaching his cane back, an elder man swiped the bingo set out of my hand. I had just picked it back up and was going to offer them to play bingo with me again. They’re not themselves when they drink! 

“Thump thump,” the bingo pieces scattered on my head upon the box being dumped on me.  

“Who's laughing now?” a toothless woman yelled at me.  

“Probably your dentists,” I said. Those were my first words in a couple minutes. This whole instance was shocking since I was just hanging out with them yesterday. Certainly, I couldn't have prepared for this.  

The group got even closer to me; one even dumped his Pepsi on my hair. Pepsi was strictly forbidden for him! Wait till I tell his caretaker! 

“Yo, what are you old geezers doing,” the old man that asked me for a lighter earlier said. He had just gotten back from whatever he was doing outside; he smelled like cigarette smoke.  

“Nothing Richie, go back to where you came from,” Phil said as he had finally been able to get up. 

“Who are you talking to like that?” Richie asked, taking slow steps towards Phil. His cane only allowed him to move so fast. 

“You just got your left-hip replaced, wouldn’t want to make it another one,” Phil barked back. 

The whole crowd-even me- stood there in silence as they bickered back and forth.  

Finally reaching Phil, Richie dropped his cane and tackled the man. 

“Football fifty-five years ago prepared me for this moment,” Richie laughed as he took slow swings at Phil.  

Snapping out of their trance, one lady slapped me saying, “We still have unfinished business.” 

“You bet we do,” another man said. He stood up out of his wheelchair and walked towards me. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so terrified in my life. There’s no reason he should be able to walk, but he’s running towards me. 

I curled up into a ball, scared at what the ancient speed walker might do to me. Why weren’t they trying to break up the fight between Phil and Richie? Then again, they were both missing their hits, anyways. 

“Knock knock,” the door sounded before the man reached me.  

“Everyone hide!” the man that stood up shouted. I’m assuming he was the host of the retirement party, well his shirt literally said “host”, too. 

“I can hear you, Robby,” the woman said behind the door. “Let me in.” 

“Robby isn’t home,” Robby said, squeaking his voice to sound like his wife (his wife was currently in a nursing home, but that didn't stop him from trying).

“I know it’s you,” the woman stubbornly replied. 

“Fine,” Robby said defeated. He got back in his wheelchair before wheeling towards the door. 

The old people couldn’t hide fast enough as Robbie opened the door and let her in. I was still curled up into a ball. Geez, weren't these people scary?! 

“Robby, were you having a party?” The woman- presumably his caregiver- said. “I told you I would be here at 8pm to check on you, and this is what you do!? You seem to have invited everyone from the nursing home without my permission. They better not have snuck out, either!"

“I’m so sorry,” Robby cried. Crocodile tears made their way out of his eyes. His fake crying sure did hurt my ears. 

I stood up running towards Phil and Richie. It wasn’t hard to break up their fight and they were much weaker than I thought they’d be. How did I let Phil knock me out? 

“And who are you?” The woman said noticing my actions. I was trying to impress her, but she seemed taken aback. 

“I’m the bodyguard,” I said hoping to dazzle her.  

“He’s the one that made me host this party, the scary boy was threatening me,” Richie cried to his caregiver. "I promise, and you know I wouldn't lie to you." 

15 minutes later 

The cops pulled up and took me away. 

I, never being the one to defend myself unless it involved personal space, simply accepted my fate.  

I took one last look at the residence, taking note of all the old people huddled by the window laughing. 

This party had gone horribly wrong... for me at least.