"Helen"...My first attempt at comedy. Please comment and help me grow

At long last,she thought. Red markings on the calendar from months ago foretold this night. “Helen’s night” covered the calendar block for this night in big red letters. The night was chosen because it assured her husband’s absence for his bowling night.She sent her son to a friend’s house for the night. She made sure the son went far enough away making it difficult for an unexpected return home. The house belonged to her. For her first task, she silenced the T.V. She stood in front of the T.V. enjoying this rare moment of sweet silence. As she moved upstairs she turned off the lights, leaving just enough light on to see to move around. She looked into the bathroom like a dying person looking into a pond of water.She put her long hair up in a jumbled mess and declared herself ready. 

Her pride and joy sat on the floor close to the middle of the bathroom. Resembling a massive cereal bowl, the tub doubled as a spa with jets around the sides of the tub.Surrounding the tub was what she called her candle holder, a bench enclosing most of the tub. The bench held enough candles that the fire and smoke detector battery was removed. The depth of the tub allowed her to ease deep enough into the water that only her eyes and nose broke the surface. Her husband asked why she needed such a strange new tub. One day she walked into the bathroom and her husband looked into the tub with a wicked smile revealing his dreams about what they might do in the tub. Tonight her dreams ruled. Using a long match, she lit countless candles around the tub providing a fragrance worthy of a queen. Dropping her robe, she let a sigh of satisfaction escape as her right toes parted the bubbles and slipped into the warm water. In a short matter of time, she settled into the bubble bath until the bubbles tickled the bottom of her chin.This is worth the wait,she thought. Closing her eyes, the world disappeared.

Her bliss shattered when she heard a bumpa-bump downstairs. Just pretend you didn’t hear a thing,she thought. Silence followed and she relaxed. Bumpa-bump sounded again. I bet Hank came home from bowling early. That’s not fair!

Helen screamed, “Hank, go away! This is my time! You promised to stay away!” Silence followed.I’m not getting out of the tub,she thought.I worked hard for this! I’ve been planning this for months. I deserve this tonight.She eased herself back into the tub and tried to relax.

Her peace and quiet didn’t last long. A crash followed the bumpa-bump.Helen bolted upright so fast water spilled over the edge of the tub.Where fear appeared in most people, genuine anger exploded from her. Standing up in the tub, she dried and went to the bedroom where she grabbed a baseball bat. Looking every bit dangerous, Helen stomped down the stairs naked past the picture window in the front room. Helen paid no attention to the curtains open and two neighborhood men talking in the middle of the street.Instead, she heard the noise in the food pantry and opened the door.

* * * 

Seeing Helen walk past the window naked carrying a baseball bat stopped one neighbor in mid sentence. Turning to the other neighbor he said, ”Did you see Helen just now? She walked naked by the window carrying a baseball bat.”

Turning, the other neighbor looked and said, “I don’t see her. Are you sure you saw her? It’s dark and our eyes play tricks on us.”

The other neighbor said,”Maybe you’re right. Hurry and help me with my glasses! I fogged up!” 

The two men couldn’t see Helen after she moved from in front of the window, but both did when she opened the pantry door. when she opened the pantry door coming face to face with a squirrel. Both men heard her when she and the squirrel screamed in shock. The next thing the men saw was Helen running naked by the window again, this time screaming and pulling at a brown object tangled in her hair. She ran in a circle screaming and cursing words the two men didn’t know existed. Helen fell to the ground out of sight before emerging from the ground in combat to the death with a squirrel.

The men heard Helen verbally rage. “You bit me!”

About this time, one of their wives walked up, looking only long enough to see Helen, she assumed, dancing naked in front of the window. Fuming, she said,“Why are the two of you watching such a disgusting thing. What is she is doing? Why is she dancing naked in front of the mirror? Look at how her body shakes out of control.She should be arrested for a public display of herself.”

* * *

As the woman spoke, Helen untangled the squirrel from her hair and began taking wild swings at the squirrel’s head, something the size of a golf ball.She kept trying to punch the squirrel in the head as they again tumbled to the ground. 

Helen screamed, “I’ll kill you for interrupting my bath to steal food.”Biting Helen for a second time on the hand, Helen screamed, not in pain, but in cold fury. The squirrel took this as the opportunity to escape. Helen paused long enough to examine her hand for damage before retrieving the the baseball bat. The squirrel ran for the kitchen thinking of returning to the tree the way he entered. Helen took the bat and went on the attack. Swinging the bat at everything the squirrel tried to hide behind, she demolished most of the breakables in the kitchen. Her fury went unchecked as broken stuff flew through the air. The squirrel managed to stay just ahead of Helen and her swings,hiding behind everything available. Each time, the squirrel had to run,needing a new hiding place.Seeing the squirrel hiding on a solid column between the kitchen and dining room,Helen swung her baseball bat. Connecting with the solid column with the baseball bat sent vibrations through Helen down to her big toes. Helen stood for a moment trying to regain her composure. The squirrel missed this opportunity to escape by going to the front room instead of leaving the house. Helen gave pursuit. The squirrel couldn’t stop running without sustaining serious injury. They ran around the front room climbing on and over furniture and crawling on the floor. The squirrel jumped, Helen jumped. The squirrel ran, Helen ran. The squirrel pirouetted, Helen pirouetted. Around the front room they went.  

Seeing Helen swinging the baseball bat while dancing wildly in front of the window caused the three people to recoil in fear at the laughing,savage expression on Helen’s face. At that moment, the squirrel, trapped in a corner, decided the only survival lay in attacking.Jumping at Helen’s head, Helen screamed again as the squirrel ended up tangled in her hair again. Chasing the squirrel around her head, she ran for a mirror to see where the squirrel was entangled for capture.Running past the window, Helen realized she had an audience of people, a large number men watching her in the open window. Screaming in frustration and embarrassment Helen let down her long hair and used it and the squirrel to attempt to cover herself. The squirrel wiggled and fought when pressed hard against Helen’s body.Stuck against her body the squirrel fought harder.

“Where are you?” Helen yelled running from the window.Seeing the squirrel in her hair pressed against her body,she grabbed it and threw it across the room,away from her. The squirrel raced up the stairs trying to live through this.After catching her breath,Helen ran fast in pursuit. The squirrel headed for the bedroom but at the last moment turned into the bathroom. Helen caught by surprise with such a sudden jerk to the right, she slid out of control across the bathroom, arms flailing and crashed into the tub. The avalanche of water from the tub cascaded onto the floor, taking the squirrel out of the room and down the stairs. Helen took a moment to grieve over the disaster of her bubble bath. She ran to the stairs in pursuit before losing her balance on the top stair. Wumpa wumpa wumpa noise accompanied Helen down the stairs as she bounced on each stair on her butt.Helen staggered upright,stretching her back trying to return it to it’s original position. As her vision cleared, she saw the squirrel struggling to run away. Still naked, Helen grabbed the squirrel and headed to the kitchen to get a knife. She was so angry she failed to see the massive amount of first responders in front of her house.The first responders seeing a soaked, bloody, crazy woman clutching a squirrel by the throat propelled them into action to enter the house and rescue whoever was in the most danger.

“Your death is seconds away squirrel,” Helen said. She picked up a knife and using blurred vision trying to aim for the squirrel’s chest. She also became aware she began to lose consciousness.

“Freeze!Police!” An officer yelled.

“You’ve got to be kidding! This thing bit me!”Helen yelled back.

“Don’t move!Let go of the squirrel and drop the knife,” an officer said.Instead of letting go of the squirrel, both Helen and the squirrel passed out, collapsing onto the closest fireman. An ambulance crew ran into the house with a gurney and began working on Helen. A member of animal control took the squirrel from the fireman to begin looking for injuries.Seeing the inside of the house, firemen turned off the water, electricity and gas as they would in any natural disaster.Covered with a sheet and loaded onto the gurney, the crew rolled Helen toward the ambulance. 

Her husband, Hank, arrived home as they rolled Helen to the ambulance.“What on earth! Helen are you ok?” Hank asked. Looking around,he then became first shocked then angry seeing the house from the outside. The damage stunned him.Returning to Helen He screamed at her, “What have you done to the house?” As he stepped toward her, the squirrel jabbered non stop and jumped from the arms of the animal control officer. Running to Hank, the squirrel sank his teeth deep into Hank’s ankle causing him to scream. Helen seeing the squirrel bite Hank,sat up just enough to punch him below the waist. Hank screamed again and collapsed to the ground.Helen and the squirrel looked at each other for a moment before Helen patted the sheet. The squirrel jumped onto the gurney and curled up next to Helen. An EMT started to tell Helen the squirrel had to stay but the other EMT touched him on the arm signaling him to be quiet. Hank rose up on his knees and asked a policeman, “Where are you taking her? Is she under arrest?”

A policeman replied,”She is not under arrest. She is being transported to a unit for evaluation. We will go from there.” Still on his knees, Hank watched the ambulance drive away. He asked rather pitifully, “Hey I got bit too!”

* * *  

The ambulance ride went smooth, thanks to the shot Helen received. She spent the whole time singing,”They call me mellow yellow” till the EMTS and the squirrel were sick of the song. Arrival at the unit, the doctors decided to send Helen to a room till the effects of the shot wore off. They arranged for the squirrel to receive food and a make-shift bed in her room.Helen later recalled this as the best night of sleep ever.

At home, Hank called his son and told him to come home. When the son arrived, together they couldn’t decide what damage to attack first. During a phone call to the home owners insurance, Hank was hard pressed to explain how the house suffered so much damage to the house. Furniture lay scattered around the front room. The upstairs bathroom floor became a lake. The kitchen was in shambles.Squirrel droppings covered many places of damage, suggesting these were places where Helen caught the squirrel and they fought.

Helen,for her part, received stitches and shots because of the bites. After listening to Helen recount what happened at the house, the doctor wrote a prescription for Helen. Later that day, the staff rolled her to the whirlpool room. Opening the door. Helen sniffled because of what she saw in the room. There was a whirlpool bath filled with bubbles, surrounded by candles with soft music playing in the background. Next to the tub was a place for food and rest for the squirrel.Helen eased back into the tub and sighed into relaxation. She glanced at the window, and saw the squirrel looking out the window.Turning, the squirrel saw Helen and jumped down on the bed next to the tub. Both were soon sound asleep.