Memories

 “You don't have to go in.” Liam holds me back from the troop, looking at me. Like I am pathetic. Broken. Hey, he’s right. If I respond now, chances are I’ll break down in tears, so instead I swiftly kick down the door of the country home and step inside.

    As soon as I look around, nostalgia kicks in. Shadows envelop me, longing, wishing for everything to be the same. The years spent in this house all rush back, childhood memories ripping up the wall I put up to ward them off. I feel dizzy, about to faint.  Not here. You are strong. “Spread out, look for the flash drive as well as anything that could be helpful.” Liam intertwines his hand with mine, locking eyes. “It's a mission, not a reunion.” I swallow hard. Easy for you to say. “I know Liam.” My world can go back to normal. There's just this left in the way.

 “You- Corin are no match for me.” Tucker puffs out his chest breaking us down to a fit of giggles. His strikingly blue eyes meet mine with the playful expression they have had since we met. “3, 2, 1… Go!” I sprint my heart out, pumping my legs even after they burn. For the first time in our friendship, he isn’t ahead of me in a race. Just as I make it to the end of the road, he catches up. “I wo- Bang!” I spin around to face Tucker, but when I turn it isn't him. Instead, my father’s there, wide-eyed in his place. He grabs my arm, terrified. My father, the ‘A little scorpion prick won’t hurt you’ man, scared. “Wha- what happened?”

  I analyze the area sloppily, desperate to get the job over with. A leather rocking chair. Family photos. Everything is too much- but I push it down. The mahogany fireplace. The fireplace almost gets me to cry, with all the amazing memories of family get-togethers, Tucker spilling the latest gossip after school, and afternoon cocoa, but I remind myself that I am a Lieutenant, first in command. No one in this room is as powerful as me, and I have to act like it. “Private!” I point to a new face, someone that couldn’t trigger memories, and begin barking orders. “Search under the mat in the laundry room.” He looks back at me quizzically but compiles. I rack my brain for places that my parents used to hide valuables. Behind the mirror. Under the mug in the kitchen. Places to start. I head for the mirror first, towards the backdoor.

  Just as I am about to step into the bathroom, I hear a gasp. “Cor!” Angeline stares awestruck at the old radio. She’s safe, unseen in the past yet the most reliable friend of the present. “It works.” I glance at it, taken aback. Since the day that everything changed, nearly all forms of long-distance communication had suddenly ceased to operate, to repress uprisings. It had become one of the many new rarities, impossible to find and fix. ”And as you can see it's another day of sun in the capital! Looks like a high of 72 and a low of 68- perfect weather for the festivities marking five years of control and peace.” A capital channel. Filled to the brim with propaganda and artificial peace. Festival of peace? Sure the government has harmony- for about as far as the capital walls reach. “Why would your family have a capital radio, Corin? Weren’t they just farmers?” I thought so. “Why would they even have the flash drive? Ann, I don’t know.” I reach for the radio and tuck it under my arm “Apparently your family was full of mysteries.” Liam chuckles from the door frame, ducking because of his height.  

“Lieutenant, Sergeant, keep it moving.“ 

  “We Interrupt your listening to introduce a new mandatory vaccine initiated to magnify happiness. The cortex is an enhancement method meant to target the brain's Limbic Cortex, a part of the brain that controls pride as well as joy. Please stop by your local community center to receive the serum, given through a single shot. With our country's patriotism down and depression up from the war, the president is elated to be able to offer such an easy solution despite- ” The television abruptly shuts off. “I can’t take these lies anymore!” A fellow refugee leaps up to pace. “Liam, there’s nothing we can do.” I wish I knew what was happening. “But that’s what they want us to think! The flash drive- we just have to find it! Those blueprints are our way to a normal country, we don’t have to give up on freedom!” The boy looks so hopeful, filling a room of desolation with purpose. “Just a few years tops! We can fix this.”

  Angeline makes her way to the other end of the house, and I finally duck into the bathroom. I am alone. Somehow like an on and off switch, my emotions recognize that I don’t have to pretend anymore. My figure crumples to the floor. Why did you have to be involved? Why couldn’t we just escape to another country? Grief sears through my heart, making my whole body tremble. Shadows of my life seem to take over me. I feel nauseous again- did it ever stop? No, I guess not. So badly I want to succumb to my misery, but I will be trapped here if I let the shadows win. So badly I want to win. My hand falls to the floor to steady myself and I get up to inspect the mirror. In its reflection, there are two tubes of lipstick, most definitely my mother’s. Looking behind me, I realize it's lying on the window ledge, the window ledge that is stained red.

  “Mom, me and Tucker are heading outdoors to race.” I make it halfway to the outside before running into mom. Her chestnut hair is in an unusually fancy updo, adorned with a pearl flower clip. Mid applying lipstick, her words come out quickly “ Wait, Corin. Your Father and I are going to be leaving for a very important business meeting, so don’t go past the road or the creek.” her hand clutches a second tube and she starts back to the bathroom. “Mom, you’re a farmer. What on earth could be important at a meeting- more important than staying home so your favorite daughter can play in a stream?” She purses her lips to keep from smiling. “Well, think of this one as more of a hobby. I have to get ready now, but for the love of god, wear shoes outside Corin.” She steps back into the bathroom, lying the lipstick on the freshly painted stark white ledge, and begins humming. “Things are looking up, cor.”

  Everything's taking over. The Shadows, dizziness, memories. The productive part of me nags, not even asking to find the flash drive, now solely to get out of this house. But I can’t. I close my eyes and my mother is there, staring at me, playing games, smiling her wide smile. I open my eyes and I’m staring at the place she died. Why did you have to die? Why couldn’t we lead simple lives together? I wasn’t ready! Too many memories. Too many shadows. I need to get out. “Corin! Are you okay?” Liam bursts in. “Cori!” He looks so much like Tucker. “We have to go!” I really miss Tucker. “ Police! Open up!” I hear banging, just like the first attack. Angeline races in, her face breaking when she sees me. “Cor, you gotta get up!” I don’t want to lose to them. I can’t lose again. I won’t lose loved ones to them again. Ever. “Out!” I scramble up, with the lipsticks in hand. We dash outside, barely avoiding an encounter with the police. I look back one more time, and the shadows are gone. The house will always be filled with memories, but they’re no longer tainted. I won. 

  “We lost.” Liam paces back and forth in the cargo truck heading back to headquarters. “Liam, there weren't any casualties, and- ” I try to offer comfort but he glares at me, dismayed. “If you had just waited outside, we would have left with the flash drive and everyone! Corin, it’s in the hands of the capital- we have no way of stopping the alterations!” Right. The whole reason we were there. Two weeks ago the anarchists had gotten a tip that the flash drive was of all places- my childhood home. I spent the remaining weeks talking myself into going inside but I obviously didn’t do well “ It’s too late to do anything- besides the flash drive probably wasn’t there.” I think over my analysis, did I miss anything? “We’ll keep looking.” Liam storms off, the 'loss' hitting harder on him than anyone else. I involuntarily roll my eyes and start to inspect the lipsticks. The first one has a vivid red hue, much like the one my mother always wore, but the second is somewhat different. Colored in deep mahogany, it reminds me much more of Tucker's sister, Katrina. Beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but why would my mom have it? I lift the tube to my lips, attempting to feel a sense of home. It's cold, and not the consistency of lipstick. What? "Ann?” I usher Angeline over and look back at the tube. Metal. I twist the tube again, but this time firmly holding the cap, finding that it moves. "Oh my god!" The top falls off, making a clinking sound as it hits the floor. I look back to find a plug sticking out of the lipstick. We found the flash drive.