VISE News Real Talk: The Art of Soul Swapping

New research proposes a radical solution for the estimated 13 million people who unwittingly lost their souls in last year's Black Friday mishap. While Hell isn't offering refunds anytime soon, a soul swap isn't out of the question, says Sam Ackerman, sole author on the study and CEO of ExoSouls.

His paper, titled "Devilish details: A sparse Bayesian learning framework for enhancing the ExoSouls algorithm," is published this week in Chaos: A Nonlinear Journal of Translational Science.

In it, Ackerman claims to have unraveled the 2-for-1 soul swap terms and conditions of The Philadelphia Screamer. He then introduces a machine learning model designed to identify likely victims who have yet to come forward as well as predict the likelihood of unsold souls going to Hell anyway.

Ackerman goes on to suggest that, when combined with his proprietary ExoSouls algorithm, this novel framework can accurately pair last year's Black Friday victims with unsold Hell-bound souls, a finding that could give hope to millions.

VISE's own Brett Love spoke with Ackerman while putting his updated soul swap theory to the test in real-time. This interview has NOT been edited for clarity or length, because hard-hitting journalism has no filters.

Q&A with Brett Love and Sam Ackerman

Brett Love: So, how about you tell me why I'm stuck in Philadelphia traffic with a conch shell in my front seat?

Sam Ackerman: Great, right to the point. So, that conch shell is there to help you hear the screams of the damned. Cupping your hands to your ears is also an option, but that's more prone to error.

I don't know if I like the sound of that.

No one does. Now, as for the Philadelphia traffic, we need a bit more context for that one. You remember last year when The Real Burning Man Who Screams Eternal, or simply The Philadelphia Screamer—

Most people just call him Phil now.

Sure, let's call him Phil. Anyway, after Phil showed up last year, screaming and burning and chained to the William Penn statue atop Philadelphia's City Hall with that Black Friday offer flaming across his torso, people were understandably curious.

So, of course, someone flies a drone up there to get a closer look at this giant chained to the Will Penn statue. And, forgive me for the recap, but let's not forget how incredible that moment was and still is today. I mean, he's bound there, like Prometheus, except instead of eagles tearing out his liver only for it to regrow, there's a flaming message that burns to life again and again, letter by letter, from neck to navel.

It's Hell's version of a flashing neon sign, and it says:

"Two souls take the place of one in Black Friday's shadow. Make your wish known, and they shall pay the price."

Right, and who can blame people for thinking it's your classic 2-for-1 Black Friday deal?

Exactly. Last year's tragic miscalculation really just came down to otherwise honest folk simply hoping to cheat Satan on one day of the year with no consequences whatsoever. They thought they could make their wildest wish come true while sacrificing the souls of two of their worst enemies.

When you think about it, the choice of holiday makes perfect sense, too. Halloween is too on the nose, and Christmas is off-limits, but Thanksgiving is… well, it's a gobbledygook of whitewashed genocide and glorified capitalism.

So, why wouldn't Satan want to piggyback on that? Just look and you'll find him in the eyes of crazed consumers everywhere, in that Black Friday aftermath of filth left behind by the world's worst holiday.

Wow... you really hate Thanksgiving. What about cranberry sauce?

You'll cut out that last part, right? I don't want to turn off potential ExoSouls clients.

Sure, but you still haven't told me why I'm stuck in Philly traffic this Black Friday.

Oh, right. So we already covered Phil, and the rest comes down to word origin. Before "Black Friday" found its way into the common parlance, it was used by Philadelphia traffic cops who were fed up with the crowds after Thanksgiving. This was back in the 1960s.

So, it all comes down to a simple misunderstanding, and Hell probably wasn't trying to be nefarious here. I mean, they sent their screaming giant to Philadelphia after all. They just thought that's where Black Friday applied.

So, they thought it was still 1960-something even though Phil arrived in 2022? You're talking about relativity and time dilation, right?

Yes. No. Not really. Listen, the theory of special relativity is a wonderful lens for examining the wonders of the universe, but it likely holds no meaning in Hell. Perhaps whoever sent Phil is forced to experience a distorted sense of time passing on Earth to further highlight their own eternity in Hell—a form of time torture if you will. But that's just speculation, something that future research could explore.

Regardless, my current research strongly suggests that Hell's Black Friday deal only applies to Philadelphia traffic.

What do you mean by "suggests"? I mean I'm about to test your soul swap theory here, so you're sure, right?

Please don't call it "swap." I never mention that term once in my paper, and I don't know why the media keeps throwing it out there. This isn't the movie "Freaky Friday." We're not switching souls or bodies or anything like that. Say "exchange" if you must, but it's in the company name: ExoSouls, with "exo" meaning "external" and "souls" meaning plural. It's a simple 2-for-1 exchange, and at no point do you swap souls with anyone else.

Now, do you have the ExoSouls app installed on your phone, Brett?

Yeah, but I'm asking if you're sure your soul swa—is your theory correct?

Listen, there are a thousand different researchers giving a thousand different reasons for last year's Black Friday mishap. They blame it on wildly irresponsible statistics, poor reading skills, TikTok trends, rising obesity rates, or excess levels of tryptophan, but not one has demonstrated as high a degree of correlation as I have.

I'm sure you've already read the paper, but let me offer a quick recap for those who haven't.

We know for a fact that people who have sold their souls see themselves with their eyes sewn shut every time they look in a mirror.

While most Hell-bound people don't advertise that about themselves, we also know that there was a spike in self-reported eyes-sewn-shut sightings last year, likely due to outrage over misinterpreting Hell's Black Friday offer.

Now, I used those reports as a starting point for constructing my sparse Bayesian learning framework while accounting for normal levels of dishonesty. In addition to identifying unreported victims, my model also identifies those with unsold souls who have high Hell-bound risk.

However, the truly surprising finding comes when looking at the distribution of likely victims. It's a fairly regular distribution. That is, it's standard for places other than the City of Brotherly Love—more specifically, for places devoid of Philly traffic.

What I'm saying is high-traffic Philadelphia areas are almost blank spots on that distribution map of likely victims from last year's Black Friday mishap.

That's where people were able to take advantage of Hell's 2-for-1 offer because that's the area that corresponds to Hell's definition of Black Friday.

It's an incredibly strong correlation, and that's why you're stuck in Philly traffic this Black Friday, Brett.

Does that make sense?

Yeah… I think so? Maybe you could give a quick refresher on correlation vs. causation?

No, we don't want to risk traffic clearing up on us. Just Google "ice cream drowning deaths" after the interview.

So, without further ado, could you please open the ExoSouls app, Brett?

First, I've got to ask. Why are we doing this over the phone? Why wouldn't you agree to a face-to-face interview?

Selling one's soul can't be done in company. If you open the app, I'll guide you through it.

Okay, app is open. Hey, nice interface, kind of like Twitter with less hate speech. And I just looked in the rear view mirror. I can say with relief that the eyes of my reflection aren't sewn shut.

Well, we haven't done anything yet. To verify, can you tell me how many active users you see in the ExoSouls app?

I see 437. Now it's 443. Hang on, shouldn't the numbers be doubling with the 2-for-1 soul swap?

Good, I see those same numbers. And remember it's not a "swap." The numbers aren't doubling for a couple reasons. First, not everyone is selling their souls simultaneously. Second, a number of users regain their souls with each transaction. Obviously, the total number of souls sold must increase over time, which is great for ExoSouls in terms of active users, but—

Wait, you said some users regain their souls? Could you explain?

You know it's reversible, right? It's in my Chaos paper. I even mention it in the abstract.

Sure, yeah I know, but it may be worth explaining for the sake of the interview.

Okay, traffic is looking steady, so I'll give a quick example. Hell's Black Friday 2-for-1 offer requires three souls: One soul to take advantage of the offer and two more souls to pay the price.

So, let's call the souls A, B, and C, and say they're all stuck in Philadelphia traffic. Imagine that A makes its soul-selling wish, which marks souls B and C as bound for Hell when their time on Earth is done.

Now, say B, whose soul has already been sold, still wants to take advantage of the 2-for-1 offer. Hell owns B, but Hell doesn't care about individuals. Hell's goal is to simply gather as many souls as possible, so it would gladly trade B for two unclaimed souls. Soul A is still unclaimed, but we need another unclaimed soul to make B's transaction possible.

That's where soul D comes in. If souls A and D reach out to Hell and offer their souls in place of B's, Hell can't refuse. Sure, it loses a soul, but it also gains two, and Hell must grant B a wish for the 2-to-1 offer to still hold true.

Within this scenario, the first wish led to two Hell-bound souls, while the second wish results in a total of three Hell-bound souls within the group. You can see that the number didn't double in this instance.

Of course, that number could easily keep doubling if everyone keeps making the selfish decision, but that's the beauty of the ExoSouls app: Its algorithm was already working to balance mutual- and self-interests, but this latest enhancement connects Black Friday victims with likely Hell-bound to boost cooperation and user engagement.

Does that answer your reversibility question, Brett?

Yeah, and then some, but I mean that in a good way. You have me convinced. How do I get started?

Let's see. The algorithm wants you to sell your soul in the traditional way first. That means no taking advantage of the 2-for-1 offer just yet. After that, ExoSouls will pair you with two unclaimed souls, so you can regain your soul.

Wow, I hesitate to use the word "luck," but this is a rare instance in my experience. At the risk of sounding redundant, I'd even go so far as to say ultra-rare.

Brett… you get to make two incredible, near back-to-back wishes and still keep your soul this Black Friday.

Oh man, I haven't thought about what I want! What do I click to make it happen?

Haha, you don't click anything. ExoSouls points you to the best possible outcome, but this next part is low-tech, a tried-and-true method as old as mankind itself.

First, what you want to do is pick up that conch shell from the passenger's seat and hold it to your ear. Then, I want you to listen for the screams of the damned.

Okay, I've got you on speakerphone and the conch shell to my ear.

Do you hear the screams yet, Brett?

Maybe? But that could just be Phil on top of City Hall. I think he's nearby.

Forget about Phil. Think about the worst moment of your life. Relive it. Imagine that conch shell is a calcified ear that can hear your innermost thoughts.

Whoa, I hear it. Jesus… Jesus Christ.

Keep that shell to you ear, Brett. Now, tell me, how does traffic look?

Oh God. Oh God.

Focus, Brett. How's traffic?

Okay okay okay. It's nearly at a standstill

Good, now, I want you to close your eyes nearly all the way until you're looking through your eyelashes. Then, stare at your reflection in the rear view mirror. Are you doing it?

Yes, but I don't like this anymore.

Don't stop, you're nearly there. Promise your soul for your heart's desire.

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want!

Just wish for the first thing on your mind. There are no wrong answers here, Brett. If it's in Hell's power to grant it, you'll get your wish.

Oh man, I did it. The shell is silent and… oh God, that's awful.

What do you see?

I see my own eyes sewn shut in the mirror. How is that possible?

Yeah, no one ever gets used to it. But the good news is I'm working on augmented reality glasses to add eyes to mirrors for those who've sold their souls. And the even better news is you've managed to successfully sell your soul.

Now, ExoSouls should find a pair of unclaimed souls for you soon here. We're up to 643 active users, so maybe some are right next to you in traffic.

While we wait, and if you don't mind me asking, what was your wish?

Well, it's kind of silly, but it was the first thing that came to mind. I wished for the traffic to clear up, and it's already moving at normal speed. Amazing, although I guess I kind of wasted my first wish.

...You did a lot more than that. Do you somehow not understand words? For Christ's sake, you asked me twice why you were stuck in Philadelphia traffic.

Shit! Can we try again next year?

Well, what other option does everyone else have? Except for you, Brett. Sorry, but the ExoSouls algorithm has banned you from the app. Good luck and goodbye.