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Write about something you consider yourself an expert in, but do it from the perspective of a total novice.

Posted in Funny on Oct 26, 2022

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✍️ 14 stories

Honesty in G# Minor

Shortlisted for Contest #15 ⭐️

1"Think of it like painting a picture.""I can't paint, either.""No, it doesn't matter. Just think of it like painting a picture.""All right. But I still don't know how to paint a picture."She sighed. "You don't need to be an expert in art to know how to paint a picture. You have the foreground and the background, right?""Okay…""And the foreground is the most important bit, right?""Makes sense.""The bit that everyone properly looks at?""Sure.""But the background is also important – a bad background can ruin a good picture, but a great backgro...

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Why Plastic Really Isn't As Bad As Everyone Wants You To Believe

Submitted to Contest #15

I've seen SO many articles recently about the evils of plastic, so I thought I'd write my own article to set the record straight. Plastic isn't that bad! This is the real truth: the cotton industry teamed up with the government to brainwash the public into thinking plastic was harmful so that everyone would buy reusable bags made of cotton. Personally, I like to be an informed citizen. So here I am to debunk all the myths about plastic you've been led to believe.First of all, people are saying plastic never decomposes.&nb...

6 likes 2 comments 2
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Becky the Backroom Girl

Submitted to Contest #15

I know what the famous amorphous “they” have to say on the subject of self praise (it’s no recommendation!). But I have to say it – when it comes to textiles and design I know what I’m doing it. Folk say I have an “eye” for it, and there’s some truth in that, but having the “fingers” or it is just as important. I’ve been working for Modestine Modes for nearly six years now after a spell in a Call Centre and a spell as a waitress after I graduated with my degree in Fashion and Design. I didn’t mind those jobs as such, and ...

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The Relief Teacher

Submitted to Contest #15

Victorusmonous State School had a reputation. It did not spark joy in the souls of the relief teachers who were appointed there for the day. Those who were asked to take a short contract had to fill in between the burned out and traumatised regular educators on stress leave. I had been sipping a cup of watered down, overly milky coffee when the number for the temp agency flashed on my phone. My first day ever relief teaching, I felt like I was playing the Russian roulette of schools. I answered with all fingers and toes crossed for St Marks ...

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The Doorless Elevator Company by Rachel Frankki

Submitted to Contest #15

Walk into another Doorless Elevator Company and act as though you’re a newbie because you’re so cocky at this business with all your knowledge, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. This was the farthest thing from fun though. I was overwhelmed out of my wits and was just itching to take control of this company too. But to win the annual bonus competition that the office held, I had to manage to survive working a week in another Doorless Elevator Head Quarter. Or for short, the DEHQ. Ever since the idea took off in 2102, nobody has seen the do...

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Algebra 2, Monday Morning

Submitted to Contest #15

Algebra 2, Monday MorningSchool starts way too early. It’s only third period, and already I’m exhausted. Which is my own fault for staying up late last night watching a Planet Earth II episode on Netflix. I can’t believe someone with a camera waits for hours and hours by a pond in the jungle to film five seconds of a frog snapping its tongue out at a dragonfly. Last night’s show eventually was about African elephants, and when it got to the part about them mating, I couldn’t stop watching.       &...

4 likes 1 comment 1
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Lunch Bunch

Submitted to Contest #15

It was all going so smoothly. She whisked herself around the floor almost effortlessly, like she was gliding on a cloud...if a cloud could hold you, which I'm almost certain it could not.I thought she looked well put together, especially for this hour of the morning on a Tuesday. Even in a simple pair of sweatpants with an over sized shirt, tussled hair and no make-up, there was a certain natural beauty to her. She was talking the whole time, to an audience that couldn't possibly be less interested in what she was saying. It didn't seem to...

2 likes 1 comment 1
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Schoolhouse Rock Unhinged

Submitted to Contest #15

“Chicago Pubic School Substitution Hotline. Please leave your name and number, and we will call you back before 6:30 a.m. with the location of your assignment.” She left her name and number with no small degree of hesitation. Student teaching had been a bust. She had worked with one teacher who wouldn’t let her teach, so she was reduced to grading papers for an entire semester. Her other lead instructor was eager to have a student teacher but abandoned her on day one to sit in the employee breakroom reading a novel a...

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Pause

Submitted to Contest #15

          I look down at the page. The lines make me feel lightheaded. A small sound escapes my mouth. Definitely not the note I was supposed to sing. I press a key on the piano again to get the pitch. D major. Got it. I sang the note but it was so off. I cringed at the sound of my own voice. “Eliza!” My mom called from downstairs. I turned off my keyboard and replied, “Coming, ma!” I rushed down the stairs where she waited. She kissed me on the cheek and said, “You’ve gotta get to school.” I...

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The Mysterious Spy

Submitted to Contest #15

(by Michael Sandels, Age 12) [and then much later]The secret agent crept down the shady street, incognizant of the wordless, peevish, milk-sopped bitch he left behind at home who was his mother. "I beg your pardon?" asked the secret agent, yelling into the steely, powerful blackness. At the same time, in another part of the city, a man typing in his room paused and looked strangely at his typewriter. {Note: I didn't write the above two sentences. They just appeared and i can't seem to delete them. Delete later.} The secre...

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One Step Closer

Submitted to Contest #15

The giants are all staring at me again and making those weird, nonsensical noises they always make whenever I do anything. And I mean that literally. Anything. They seem to be trying to communicate with me, but I find it insulting to my intelligence that they don’t ever use real words unless it’s in an annoyingly high-pitched voice. Mostly they just use a string of silly words accompanied by even sillier faces, but they get so tickled when I smile at them, that I try to do it often, but that only makes them act even more ridiculous. My guess...

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Ballet Class

Submitted to Contest #15

“No,” I replied. “No chance. Never.” He looked at me as if in confession.“Look, mate, this isn’t a question,” Ace said. “You are already good. But you're not the best. If you want to qualify for the state team, do this. It will improve your movement, footwork, timing, coordination, flexibility, and leg and core strength. Im not coaching you if you don’t do this.” he said and turned away. “Just think about it,” Ace called over his shoulder and started jogging towards the pitch. I dribbled the ball, passing it between my feet. I ran stron...

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Stage Lights

Submitted to Contest #15

The heat of the lights beaming above hits my face and shoulders. I turn my face to the floor to avoid being blinded. Why did I ever audition for something I had no interest in? I have never had any interest in acting. I only tried out because my crush said she was going to audition too. Now I must pay the price for love with my dignity. I managed to land the role of Puck in a Midsummer Night’s Dream but how? A month ago I stood on a stage for 2 minutes as I read words from a paper. How does that prove how good of an actor anyone is? Almost a...

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The Customer Service

Submitted to Contest #15

Everyone is born with uniquessness. Different multiple intelligences, some are genius and gifted. I always remembered my mother and sister advice that no one is born dull. Everything are need to be learn, it is how you deal and play for it. Most members in our family knows to sing and dance. They have genres of singing and choreographs but I do ask myself Why am I not good as they are? I love to sing. The Mariah Carey, Britney, Celine Dion songs but it is not that awesome as they do. I get jealous when they sing my favorite song and I myself...

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