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Write about a character who’s attending a dinner thrown in their honor, but deeply embarrasses themself during their speech.

Posted in Funny on Mar 3, 2023

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✍️ 19 stories

The First Idol

Winner of Contest #188 🏆

“Stop daydreaming Mr. Delano.” In a moment, Mrs. Frampton, subjecting the tender wallflower of my affection to the grotesque spotlight of her own indifference, made cease the contemplation of my life’s own end, the one theme of my existence: Andrea Taylor. It’s the Spring of 2005; I am a 7th grader at Fort Sumter Middle School, home of the Trojans. Andrea sits enthroned one row ahead, three columns to my right. I have mixed feelings about this, for while it affords me an almost uninterrupted view of her during second and fifth period, it...

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The Wrong Marina Jensen

Submitted to Contest #188

How could she have known they’d booked the wrong Marina Jensen? It seemed relatively straightforward when it started: the email from someone she’d never heard of before, waxing lyrical about her ‘seminal study’ and inviting her to be the keynote speaker at a conference in Romania. Marina couldn’t believe her eyes when she read it. Yes, she’d recently published a book on Amazon, but she’d considered it light-hearted fluff: a thinly disguised account of her own dating disasters, written in Bridget-Jones-esque tones. Still, if the Universit...

28 likes 17 comments 17
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Shawarma

Submitted to Contest #188

Alana Chambers picked at her dinner; poking at the salmon on her plate, occasionally raising a tiny bite to her lips and chewing mechanically without tasting it. The young man seated next to her glanced over with an amused but not unsympathetic twinkle in his eyes.  “Who ever decided that it was a good idea to have dinner before the speeches, right?” he murmured, leaning in so he could be heard under the mic-amplified voice of Ms. Catherine Sciama. The tall, impossibly elegant gray-haired woman was currently detailing the history of t...

18 likes 11 comments 11
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In Her Honor

Submitted to Contest #188

Jesse was a bundle of nerves. The Annual Lawyers Committee awards were a big deal. And tonight for the first time in her 20-year career as an attorney she would be winning the Ruth Bader Ginsberg award for the outstanding female attorney. It was an honor to be receiving an award named after her idol. But she had mixed feelings about the existence of an award that was gendered. Why couldn’t it just be the Ruth Bader Ginsberg award for an outstanding attorney, period, with no identity qualifiers? She was one of three women equity partners in h...

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It wasn't a birthday gathering.

Submitted to Contest #188

The first thing I remember was standing in the mirror putting on an old suit. My memory was a tad bit hazy at that point, but I can still recall that the suit I wore wasn’t the finest I owned. I didn’t believe any other fancier suit deserved to be at such a dull gathering, even if it was in my praise. Another problem is that I could not recall who organized this event. Could it have been a coworker? Maybe it was meant to be a surprise for my birthday, I always forgot when that was. Either way, I knew it wouldn’t be very fun. I straightened m...

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But I don't like making speeches

Submitted to Contest #188

“But I don’t like giving speeches. I get so worried that I will say the wrong things, and people will get offended. At the very best, I would bore them silly, put them asleep.”“I know, Charlie, but this event is honouring your work at the company, and a speech is expected. Otherwise you will be insulting the people that came to the event. And you know how sensitive the boss, the great Mr. Brooks and his family are. They would use the lack of speech as being directed at them personally, and insult you behind your back...

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The Miller Reaction

Submitted to Contest #188

The Miller Reaction It was bread in the form of a shoe. He pondered it despondently. There was so much he didn’t know about bread, it turned out. He wondered if it was actually more of a cake. The word treacle came to mind, but then he remembered that that’s more of a syrupy, soupy thing, and he grimaced painfully. He could imagine a shoe shaped cake pan. He guessed a person would have to flip the cake after baking it. An upside down shoe cake. The crust would be on the bottom then? The sole? What a thoughtful way to say, “You’re a horribl...

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The Sherlock Award

Submitted to Contest #188

“Lady and Gentlemen… Lady and Gentlemen, thank you. Your attention, please!” Montague was a patient man faced with an arrogant audience. “Lady… Gentlemen, please, your attention.” To Montague’s annoyance, the dining hall’s general disregarding hubbub continued unabated.“Hear yea, hear yea, time to shut ya gobs!” was bellowed out louder than an elephant’s trumpet by Whip. Montague self-consciously adjusted his cravat as the dining hall noise settled as the gas lights bore down on his reddening face, “Yes, thank you, Maurice.” T...

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The Copperfield of Tax Accountants

Submitted to Contest #188

There was too much food and wine and not enough good company. At least, that was the sober opinion of the evening's honorary guest. When surrounded by dozens of strangers celebrating you, you don't get much time to think things through. Your job is to show up early, make a conscious effort to connect with everyone in attendance, then make a speech proving you deserve the honor bestowed upon you.  David Fields was a prodigious tax accountant with the reputation of being gifted with analysis and computations. Many thought him a magician...

14 likes 11 comments 11
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Jackson's Winning Night

Submitted to Contest #188

***There are some derogatory terms used, however, they are not meant to insult or degrade any person or people*** Jackson walked into the banquet hall with his wife, hand in hand, so excited to be accepting an award for the work that he had put so many years into. When he first met Veva he had been a sophomore at Buick University studying architectural design. His dream had always been to design and build fascinating buildings that would become famous throughout the world. He hoped that one day people from other countries would seek him o...

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Point Eleven Percent

Submitted to Contest #188

tw: alcohol, themes of manipulation, cheating, abuse If there was one thing Dolion loved about his wife-to-be more than anything else it was her smile. That intoxicating smile, a smile that brightened up the darkest corners of his mind. And her laughter! God, her laughter was brighter than the stars. It was hard to pick just one, he was obsessed. Amidst the traffic, he would swing his eyes off the road ever so often to get a glimpse of her. Michaela noticed, of course, blushing and laughing, telling him to keep his eyes on the road. Her l...

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Bat Mitzvah on Cloud Nine

Submitted to Contest #188

Today was the day Ruby had been anticipating for the past 364 days, Ruby’s Bat Mitzvah. Ruby turned thirteen four days ago, but today was her party. Of course, she was excited, I mean her entire class was coming, including Lucas. Lucas was Ruby’s crush, and at this point in her life, he was the most important person. Anything Ruby did, she asked herself, Would Lucas think I was weird if I did this? Or ugly? Or stupid?   Everything had to be perfect. Not only for Lucas, but for Papa. Ruby and her ‘Papa’ have been rehearsing her speech ...

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Oops, egg on my nose!

Submitted to Contest #188

      It was the glittering night of Mr. Salman Sweeney’s award dinner for Santa Monica’s Philanthropist of the Year. He was extremely nervous, and had even arranged for his former therapist Dr. Beresford to meet him for some moral support. Salman's brother Fabian was there, trying not to be jealous of another great accolade for his older brother, when he felt just as worthy of honor, if not more.      His brother’s wife was there too, Delores. She was rather icy, and Salman didn’t ...

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Top Poop Producer

Submitted to Contest #188

   “I thank the boss for this dinner and this award for Top Producer… Top Poop Producer… Top Poop Poop Producer. Poop Poop Pee Doo.    “And may I say I got no help at all this year? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, very much. And thank you Mr. Timmins. Our bossy boss who made me do sales pitches to every homeless person who wandered onto our car lot.    “And thanks to our Deceptionist, Emily, for every client she directed my way who was either a bankrupt or an ex-convict. And Jonathan, my keep-your-e...

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The Business Pitch

Submitted to Contest #188

"Let us make a toast to dear Marshall." "To Marshall!" The clinking of champagne glasses rattled in my ears as I was toasted. It was weird, no one had ever made a toast to me before. As a matter of fact, I had never experienced a toast; I had only seen them in movies. My heart rate picked up when my name was mentioned, and a nervous sweat slid down my forehead. I cracked my knuckles, a great way to relieve stress. Tonight would be dedicated to me, I needed to relax. I picked my glass up from the table and took a swig. Suddenly, someone's h...

11 likes 2 comments 2
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