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Write a story infused with dark humor.

Posted in Funny on Mar 27, 2021

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✍️ 15 stories

The Comicbook Kid

Submitted to Contest #7

1Ralph’s parents were never the same after they died. They didn’t need to eat anymore, which was a bit of an issue. It meant they often forgot his meals, so that he had to learn to cook for himself. The food was a bit… dodgy, at first, and the kitchen had almost gone up in flames on more than one occasion. But Ralph was getting better at it.They could also walk through walls. And float upwards through the floor. Or out through the ceiling. When they were talking to him, they tended to disappear beyond a physical boundary mid-sentence, leavin...

55 likes 15 comments 15
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Pills

Submitted to Contest #7

The bottle of pills is brown, with a yellow label on it covered in tiny black writing, probably all warning me against the thing I am preparing myself to do. My hand is steady as I tip the round white pills out into my palm. My heart shudders at the sight of them. They are enormousI think. Look at the size of them! I can just see them blocking up my whole windpipe, top to bottom!It’s a bit of an exaggeration I suppose, but if anything suffocation would probably be faster. Still, it’s going to be a struggle.    &...

26 likes 6 comments 6
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The First Date

Submitted to Contest #7

“Reservations under Tom Metzger.” “Perfect. This way Mr. Metzger.” The host led the couple to a small table covered in white linen. A short candle illuminated the table in a romantic glow.  Tom pulled out the chair for his date and she meekly thanked him and smiled shyly as she watched him sit down and pull his own chair in closer. They smiled at each other, but the tension was surely unbearable. A restrained clearing of his throat finally broke the silence.“So,” Tom focused on maintaining eye contact with the woman across from him...

19 likes 5 comments 5
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A Killer Friendship

Submitted to Contest #7

John had been driving home from his class reunion for hours, and though he would never admit this to his wife, he had somehow gotten himself completely lost. He had very little sense of direction as it was, and he relied heavily on his phone’s GPS to get him just about anywhere. The current problem was that the GPS just kept rerouting and rerouting and taking him down so many side streets and backroads that he was now driving down a winding road surrounded by endless trees on either side. He knew for a fact he hadn’t driven down a road like ...

19 likes 4 comments 4
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A Three Whiskey Night

Submitted to Contest #7

Cody pulled into the driveway. The front porch light was off, but that didn’t mean Anne was asleep. She usually waited for him in the living room so she could tell him about her day. It was after eleven, and he wanted to go straight to bed and avoid her incessant chatter.He stood at the front door but chose instead to go around back and enter through the kitchen. If Ann was in the living room, he might be able to sneak in through the kitchen. He slowly opened the door, wishing he had oiled the hinges. Anne stood at the kitchen counter, prep...

10 likes 4 comments 4
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When is a word not a word?

Submitted to Contest #7

“That is not a word!”“Oh yes, it is!”“I bet it’s not in the dictionary?”“Have a look then.”A thick book was dragged from the shelf, skinny pages leafed through.“See it’s not there.”“You are looking in the wrong place.”“Ow is not a word!”“It is in the Thai dictionary!” Tom the younger of the twins sniggered at his brother. Tim lashed out, missed.The twins glared at each other. Only their mother could tell them apart, and she hated telling them off. “Now, now boys give it a break. Words are nothing to argue over.”“But Mum, this ...

9 likes 2 comments 2
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Emotional Support Monster

Submitted to Contest #7

“Why did you give Gertrude the Baker a bat as a familiar?” Esmeralda asked, placing her pointed hat on her desk and leaning back in her chair. Her silvery curls spilled out, framing her sharply featured face.I shrugged and gave her my winning smile. “It was her arms,” I said. “They were the flabbiest I’d ever seen and she wouldn’t stop waving them around and shrieking in excitement. Boom. Bat familiar, perfect match.”A column of swirling smoke rose from her pipe as she held it between her teeth. “It seems you didn’t think about the fact that...

9 likes 2 comments 2
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A Love so True

Submitted to Contest #7

    Never in my life have I seen anyone so miserable. A rat half-drowned in fish broth staring down a hungry cat would have a more pleasant demeanor than this man trudging down the road. A long journey can do that, I’ve seen many grave looks come through my father’s inn, but this wins first prize for graveyard gloom.    “Aren’t musicians are supposed to be merry? But you look like you’ve split your fiddle.” I greet the man as I emerge from the woods; three rabbits hung over my shoulder. Game has been scarce this...

9 likes 1 comment 1
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Monsters of Doubt

Submitted to Contest #7

 “Oh no. George prefers red wine.” “No, no, I'll try the white.” “You never drink white wine!” “Well I like to be able to change my mind.” George took the offered glass. “You never drink white wine.” Marjorie huffed. And it was true George never drank white wine, especially not the sweet white that the Abercrombies served. He disliked it intensely. He might be predictable, he might never change his habits but he wanted the freedom to do so if the fancy took him. “No thank you,” he would say, if asked directly. “I prefer red wine, dry ...

8 likes 1 comment 1
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Testimony

Submitted to Contest #7

The body lay in its casket, wide eyes empty as it stared blankly up at the sky. Bob Dylan entered the graveyard quietly, crossing through the maze of graves with careful patience, trying not to step on any of the graves. The last thing he wanted was any more bad luck. The world was already unlucky enough. He halted in front of the casket and sighed.  “Who is he?” O’Brien asked, appearing from behind a nearby mausoleum. His suit was slightly rumpled, but Dylan didn’t mention it. Dylan looked down at the body and tried to recall the expre...

7 likes 1 comment 1
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Randomly Random

Submitted to Contest #7

Even as Daisy sat comfortably on the chair, the jittery feeling in her stomach never subsided. It had a mind of its own, an involuntary, uneasy feeling that wrapped itself around her belly as soon as she sat on that chair. It was the butterflies in her stomach, she thought, which had multiplied by the minute. She couldn’t wait any longer. The day has finally arrived, but he still has not. In fact, he was already ten minutes late.A rapid knock came from the door, followed by the sound of clicking and the door opening. The man was six foot tal...

7 likes 0 comments 0
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Ice Cream

Submitted to Contest #7

By anybody’s measure he was not intelligent. He was incapable of making informed decisions or conclusions. There wasn’t a subject in which he was versed. Just nonsense and blank space in his mind. At a young age he was put in classes with the other slow learners. Him and the others worked at a slower pace and covered less subject matter than the rest of the students. He knew of his enrollment in the special classes, it’s not like anyone tried to hide it. It didn’t matter to him anyway. Throughout his or her life, a mentally deficient person ...

7 likes 0 comments 0
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To hell with Hollywood

Submitted to Contest #7

You won’t believe your eyes, I’m willing to bet. A letter in your mail! Who still writes today? I can imagine you from here: “A pervert. He saw me in a movie and he's polishing his whistle while thinking about me, that disgusting old man.” You wouldn't be wrong, at least for the “old man” part. I’m at the end of the line. But that's another story. My lawyer, a brat of not even thirty, wanted me to contact you by e-mail or phone. “That's the way it is now, Mr. Davis,” I said no. Well, to be very precise, I said, “Shit”. I wanted to talk to yo...

7 likes 1 comment 1
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Get Even

Submitted to Contest #7

“What about the homework, Magnus?”“Well, I trust you are more than capable of finishing it after we come back from the party, Agatha,” Magnus says, holding the third lipstick, rolls her eyes, inspects herself in the mirror, applies. “How do I look?” “Hideous.” “Now, now it’s not the time to sulk. Oh, you’re right though,” Magnus rummages the vanity drawer for the ideal lipstick color for the evening.“Magnus, Magnus! Look at me, we have finals tomorrow!” Agatha’s on the verge of tears, she’s always been the responsible one, and for the life o...

5 likes 1 comment 1
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Change Your Mind

Submitted to Contest #7

“Hello, my name’s Toby,” said the man wearing a navy blue suit with tawny shoes that matched his wrist watch and belt. “Hello Toby.” Mumbled the other five voices in monotonous unison. Toby had onyx shaded hair that was slicked back, a cleanly shaven face, a glistening white collared shirt, and cyan tie - littered with white flowers - that was yanked against his trachea. He stood with his shoulders back, looked out at the people around him, and a small smirk crawled across his face. “Long time fan, first time attendee. Out of curiosity, woul...

5 likes 0 comments 0
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