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Each year, your character's family goes on the most exotic vacations. Finally they discover why — their family are assassins.

Posted in Funny on Sep 1, 2023

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✍️ 36 stories

The Village of the Stars

Submitted to Contest #214

William’s mother poured him a glass of water to help him calm down, so he picked it up and drank it, only it was actually vodka and he coughed and spewed it all over the tiny table in Room 05. The mash potatoes on the little metal plate were drenched. William gasped and clutched his throat, and she rolled her eyes and took a sip from her own glass. He kicked her under the table with his melodramatic spasming – there wasn’t much room in Room 05 at all, just enough for the tiny table, a paltry square of shag carpet, and a queen size bed that w...

34 likes 29 comments 29
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The Flying Fazzinis

Submitted to Contest #214

“Don’t do this!! I’m begging you. It’s not too late!” The thing about a double homicide is that somebody has to die first, and whoever goes second is going to kill the buzz by begging pathetically for their life. Happens every time.The Ringmaster had recently contacted me about a special mission involving Bobby and Rene—and I felt a little inexperienced to be doing a double on my own—but after tonight I was feeling more comfortable with the assignment.Bobby nonchalantly put the silencer of his H&K USP 45 to the girl’s head...

28 likes 10 comments 10
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Three Camels For Your Daughter

Shortlisted for Contest #214 ⭐️

“Two camels for your daughter?”Lost in thought, or maybe just trying to stay alive in the sizzling heat, I didn’t pay much attention until my dad replied, “Two camels?”“Three camels for your daughter.” This time a statement rather than a question.What is going on here?“Hun, what do you think?” He asked and all eyes turned to his wife sitting coolly sipping an iced tea. “That’s my daughter,” she said, not missing a beat. “She is not for sale.”“You heard the boss.”The stranger walked away, and my parents continued their mea...

22 likes 28 comments 28
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All In A Name

Submitted to Contest #214

All in a NameAnakin paced back and forth along the wide veranda with his thumbs hooked in his suspenders. The early evening air smelled sweet from the magnolia blooms dropping from the trees. A peach pie cooling on a nearby window sill promised sweet desserts. The sun hung lazily close to the western horizon painting the humid sky purple and pink. But all this escaped his mind.He swept his straw hat off his head and ruffled his dark hair to disperse the band around his bowl cut. Tucking his hat under his arm, he dug in a pocket producing the...

22 likes 23 comments 23
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Vacationing in the Poconos

Submitted to Contest #214

Officer, my given name is Arturo Barcelli, but I Americanized it to Arthur.  So be sure to use that one.  Arthur Barcelli.  Under occupation put down that I am  a businessman from Woodbury Heights.  Yeah, put that down, businessman.  That is what I do for a living.  Don’t look at me in that tone of voice. I know what you think I am, but you are wrong.  What happened in the past is the past. I’ve done what I can to put distance from me and that summer in 1968 when we went vacationing in the Poconos. You...

16 likes 6 comments 6
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Nature vs Nurture

Submitted to Contest #214

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.Deep down I probably knew for a while.My. Family. Are. Assassins… Let me explain.***It all started after our most recent family vacation to a beautiful tropical county. Sun, surf, and gorgeous beaches. A teenager couldn’t ask for more. That’s not to mention all the flirty servers, which my Sister seems to think are only acting that way with me to get a larger tip, but she doesn't know my charm. Needless to say, I enjoyed our trips.So, the fact that every time we came home the news would be filled with ta...

14 likes 5 comments 5
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Summer is Dead

Submitted to Contest #214

The two seats up front in the front row of the gymnasium remained vacant when the concert started. I was flattered that someone assumed a loving couple would sit in those two chairs tonight. Knowing those two, they would just compare my performance to the concerto they saw in Italy that they loved so much. The band teacher motioned to commence the concert. I sank onto my cold duet bench. I began to ram my fingers into the ivory and black keys. Everything around me blurred with each passing note that filled the empty spaces of the room w...

11 likes 3 comments 3
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Atrición's Planned Holiday

Submitted to Contest #214

Author's note: These characters are from another series of stories that I am working on; hopefully, the context won't lead to too much confusion. Also, a fair warning of sexual violence as well as regular (and irregular) violence. Birth. Childhood. Life itself. All of these, and what was to follow, were struggles for any normal human being. Atrición envied those normal human beings. For starters, their parents weren't trying to kill him under the semblance of training. That is, when they weren't arguing, killing people, or bangin...

10 likes 4 comments 4
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PAST THE SELL BY DATE

Submitted to Contest #214

PAST THE SELL BY DATE Yes, I suppose you could say that I’ve been incredibly fortunate. I’m certainly grateful; Phyllis, my sister, too. We’ve led rather a charmed life, seen and experienced things that most people could only dream about. And it’s all down to our father and mother and the extraordinary lives they have lived. So, no, I don’t feel anything but gratitude, thank you very much. Well, all things have an upside and a downside, don’t they? I mean have you walked around Olympus Mons on Mars? Set up a tent and camped there? No, ...

10 likes 3 comments 3
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Welcome to the family

Submitted to Contest #214

“I believe you are my father.” Silence. Then he says: “Call back in a week. Exactly this time.” Kind of a short conversation. Still, hope is a pencil case with pencils in it. I call back in a week. A girl says: “I’m putting you on speaker.” It seems like everyone in the room is drunk. They cheer, say ‘Hi Euan’ and ‘Welcome to the family’ and laugh, shriek and clink glasses. “We checked out your background. You’ll fit right in,” my father yells over the noise, and they all whoop and holler. “You’re not working right now so you can join us...

10 likes 4 comments 4
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Rule of Three

Submitted to Contest #214

Somewhere Boring, USA. mid-April.“Like people say, karma’s a witch,” said Leah.Max was pretty sure that wasn’t exactly what people say, but didn’t interrupt.“Look, if those girls hadn’t been taunting you for being non-binary, they would’ve seen the golf cart coming towards them. Don’t you dare feel bad for them.” Leah was a good friend. A loyal friend. “Besides, it’s not like they’re dead, just a little banged up. I would have done worse to them if I’d been there.” “Yeah, I don’t feel guilty, just…” Max’s brain caught up to the conversa...

9 likes 2 comments 2
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To Kill a Tourist

Submitted to Contest #214

By Peter M Stone It was near the eleventh hour, for the family to be on the road for yet another weekend vacation. The parents were preparing their luggage behind closed doors once again. The children were never allowed in their bedroom while they packed their belongings.  The Knicks family lived in a very good neighborhood and always had anything they wanted, inground pool to the largest SUVs and of course the forty-foot RV. Steve was getting older and started secondary school that year and always had to come up with another answer ...

8 likes 0 comments 0
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Warn the Others

Submitted to Contest #214

The smog of the city sat comfortably on top of the hills of San Diego enveloping the palm trees and houses in a dense haze. The view had become commonplace as the Baileys’ found themselves in San Diego once again for the fourth time in a matter of sixth months. Not that it surprised Gavin. He had long suspected that his parents would come back to San Diego to complete their assignment. The truth was that he had been keeping a close eye on his parents for the past two years and he finally felt that he could comfortably tell the rest of his si...

7 likes 4 comments 4
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I Went to Italy and All I Got Was this Shocking Secret

Submitted to Contest #214

The sticky July heat plasters my hair to the nape of my neck as we sprint through Vatican City. Angry outbursts follow us as shocked tourists jump out of our path to avoid being barreled over. St. Peter’s Square is inundated with people, making it difficult to move. I risk a quick glance behind me and see a black-clad figure push their way through a tour group, determined in their pursuit of my brother Simeon and me. Shit, shit, shit, I think to myself.               &nbs...

7 likes 2 comments 2
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I'll endure it if I must

Submitted to Contest #214

“Seriously Rachele? You’ve been like this since you were a child. I want. I must do it now. Goal oriented to the point where your father and I just gave up fighting and waved as you headed out the door. You returned eventually. Monaco. Tomorrow. You win another trip to some, admittedly very suave, location at the ass end of the world… Well Europe but look where that’s heading. Euro? The Brits got it right. Merging all those countries together was a bad idea from the start. One goes down the drain, they all follow after and clog up the pipes ...

7 likes 0 comments 0
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