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Write about someone who critiques things for a living, or acts like they do.

Posted in Character on Oct 26, 2022

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✍️ 35 stories

Foodie Heaven

Submitted to Contest #141

Dear Reader, It’s with a heavy heart that I must report the ‘Queen of Culinary Criticism’ has left the building for the last time. I’m struggling to continue in her absence, despite my formidable reputation. It was she who provided the zest that made my weekly article so entertaining. My final despatch is both a farewell to you and a dedication to my dear wife. Very few food enthusiasts knew of Pamela, but fans of my column may recall mentions of ‘my lovely companion’ or ‘dearest Mrs Guillemot.’ #Reginald Guillemot was once a name ...

44 likes 20 comments 20
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To the point of disgust-

Submitted to Contest #141

Part 1 I've developed a deep hatred for a boy in my class. Ugh, I don't know where to start. Have you ever met anyone that is just so triggering that it's hard to look at them? I have, and his name is Aaron Diaz. I have no idea what boys do to keep their hair tidy, but neither does he. His haircut alone is enough to make me squirm in my seat.  Moving down the face, we have his beady black eyes. Not dark brown, black. Whenever we make eye contact I feel as though an oversized cockroach is staring at me. ...

28 likes 22 comments 22
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HOOK!

Submitted to Contest #141

HOOK!Gotcha, didn’t I?They say you should always start with a good hook, so that’s what I did. And it worked. You’re still reading.(Who are “they”, those incognito authorities on every topic from aa to Zyzyxia lundelii?Or, in this case, from fishing to literature?Because both of those involve hooks.)Since we’re already using the fishing metaphor, let’s determine an appropriate setting. Setting is important. It helps the reader become immersed in the story.Fishing — literal fishing, not literary fishing — requires water. Ocean? Lake...

22 likes 25 comments 25
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One Man’s Opinion

Submitted to Contest #141

Gerald went into his favorite coffee shop to write his theater reviews. Some cafés are about the food. Gerald went for the coffee. Coffee was his thing. He really liked coffee. Black. No. You don’t understand. He lived for coffee. Let me put it this way. Gerald was a caffeine addict. Gerald was how caffeine got around each day. He wrote poems about coffee. No one read his poems. They were a labor of love. He knew he would, one day, be hailed as the ‘Coffee Bard.’ Anyone knowing his poems could not doubt his love of coffee. He took satisfact...

18 likes 7 comments 7
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Humanity On Trial

Submitted to Contest #141

We were asked to give our disquisition on humanity. So here it is. This shall be brief. It’s not the first time we’ve been asked about our position on the creation of man. Our stance was unanimous. We still think they’re hostile. Belligerent. They were a primitive race light years ago. Racing against the sands of time to evolve. To prosper. To adapt in a world that’s truly fitter without them. And now, they have perished. They are forgotten. Their memory has long been woven into the fabrics of space and time. This is an assessment of their r...

17 likes 13 comments 13
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Tome Travel

Submitted to Contest #141

The arrogant cat had been on Arnold’s nerves for hours. It was long past the ‘getting on’ stage. The cat was plucking at his nerves as if he was a violin and she was a murderously aggressive violinist.             “If they’re not a cat, then they’re not a real god,” she insisted, licking her black paw.             “That’s a very bold statement,” said Arnold, clanking as he dusted one of the exhibits in the Museum of Magical...

17 likes 6 comments 6
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Much Ado About Garbage (with apologies to William Shakespeare)

Submitted to Contest #141

EASY LIVINGCONDOMINIUMSMemo #6To:                 Owners, Residents and TenantsFrom:            Mabel Martha Voight, Board Director – Building Maintenancec.c.                 Jason Johnson, Board President – Board President, Easy Living CondominiumsDate:       &nbs...

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The View from the Tree

Submitted to Contest #141

“What in the name of Forest happened to you?” Birdie exclaimed when she saw Birdo flying towards her with a bent beak and ruffled feathers. “Stupid humans and their stupid squeaky clean windows!” Birdo hissed, “what else?” Birdie laughed so hard, she almost fell off her branch. “How many times have I told you to be careful?” she said trying to stifle her laughter, seeing that Birdo didn’t find it funny at all. “Look who’s talking!” Ouch. “OK, come here”, she said in a soothing voice, lifting her wing so he could snuggle into it. ...

15 likes 3 comments 3
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A destructive fame

Submitted to Contest #141

“Each of us has a role in his society, and I will reform mine.” This was the famous sentence of John, the social critic, who carried on his shoulders the responsibility of reforming his society through his pen, but will things go as planned by John? Or the winds will run as the ships do not wish? John woke up early, carrying many goals inside his head, that he would put under his microscope, to start criticizing them in his weekly article in Al-Haq newspaper. This newspaper has always been the refuge that many people resort to read the dai...

12 likes 1 comment 1
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Suicide Critic

Submitted to Contest #141

I don’t know how I got into what I do. Don’t ask that question.  But, I mean, who really does, you know, know what they wanted to be when they grew up? I certainly had ideas and aspirations when I was a kid. I still do. It would be nice to be the first abstract expressionist to go to space and get to paint Saturn a different shade or two. I also wanted to punch a koala in the face. Not for no reason. I guess I just never liked anything too cute. I’m a pragmatist, you see, and a realist. A real realist. That’s not actually a thing, but...

11 likes 4 comments 4
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Participation prize

Submitted to Contest #141

They are smiling, all of them. Why do people do that? Why do people smile even though it's obvious they're nervous? Why are they pretending to feel joy before the verdict has been made? Isn't that what smiling is supposed to be about? Joy. As if he won't be able to see through the facade if they just smile big and kind enough. Honestly it's rather annoying, maybe even a bit pathetic. John thinks this every time of course, but he doesn't say anything out loud. When he told his wife about his contemplations, she had spun around from the kitche...

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Gut Shot

Submitted to Contest #141

Gut Shot You know the thing about praising the writing first, then coming down a bit gently on the trite, redundant, irrelevant parts, or more commonly, the parts that make no sense at all? I thought it was kind of a universal principle among editors, an accepted practice in order to avoid having their would-be writers run off to law school or someplace worse, although it’s hard to imagine a place worse than law school, except maybe hell.   It is done this way because it’s a well-known fact that people who think it will be...

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A Critic Critiqued

Submitted to Contest #141

`Darling, Darling, what on earth do you think you’re wearing?’ says Greta scowling in sheer disgust at her fully grown niece `Clarissa that’s simply ghastly, it doesn’t go together in the slightest. You have shocking dress sense.’ Clarissa simply shakes her head and walks off, she’s learnt to take no notice `this is classic Aunty Greta’ she thinks disgruntled by the insult. Sure enough Clarissa’s non-reaction makes Greta set her eyes on the next poor target.  Sitting down on the outside chairs of the nearby café ` Waiter, wai...

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A Death Of A Critic

Submitted to Contest #141

I know how. The sheets stinks. Its me. Its my life. My urine, and the damned sweat. The bed's drenched with it. My feet reek of dead corpses, they're... not mine! My toes are cold. On the left, on the right, at the rear of this goddamned bed they're gathered. Sad, distant people. Some relatives with blank faces I don't care a bit about. Another three or four disappointed persons I used to call friends. We've got a company! And who the hell asked the priest to come over?   All right, Boss. It is time for da confession. You've busted...

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Metamorphosis

Submitted to Contest #141

Most people would agree that a teacher’s job is to encourage and nurture their students.  Most people would agree that a middle school language arts teacher should encourage creativity and self-expression.   Most people would agree that all teachers should encourage their students to love learning and that it is the teacher’s job to get the most out of each student, recognizing each student’s unique talents and gifts.  Mrs. Smart was not most people and she most certainly did not agree.   My first day in middle scho...

10 likes 2 comments 2
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