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Tommy Goround

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Apr, 2022

Stories (23)

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212 Followers

69 Following

23 Stories

3790 karma pts

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Sister Love

There’s a pause on the phoneline and I’m wondering how long I gotta wait. Is she doing the business in the lady latrine? I mean, you shouldn’t have to be this polite with family because they always need something. I needed my big sister's liver and constantly reminded her that the liver needs diet and exercise because I am drinking for both of us. Little sister is just like a burden to bear. “Didn’t you listen when I called you last night at 3 in the morn? That’s the guy who stood me up for the date. The ‘Ghost.’ He Ghosted your little ...

4 likes

Please Don't Tread Ten Feet Over My Head

UNLEASH THE SNAKEThere were more than simple accidents on the farm because the pressure to be self-reliant was in the well water we drank, the hens would get vicious and settle disputes with a thousand pecks; there were Mean Girls. Rabbits with eyes so red that one is reminded of the broccoli set in food coloring and we promised that we would definitely-maybe-probably gonna eat them in the next war and would be grateful for Kraft Macaroni when there was no fresh milk to reconstitute the packet labeled as cheese. Charlene was going to ki...

6 likes

EDS

Submitted to Contest #293

Tom Svinver barely missed the weight limit designed by the National Space Administration who claimed that his extra twenty pounds would cost a quarter million dollars to make him weightless. It was cost-prohibitive to send obese people to space. He had tried diet and exercise but at 43 years of age, tethered to a lab all day, Tom was desperately attempting a side-experiment with the dissolution of fat by a chemical alternative. All the rats had died. Two weeks before lift-off and final weight test he asked General Brodrick, “If I find t...

12 likes

The Disquiet

Every generationBlames the one beforeAnd all of their frustrationsCome beating on your door -Mike We were being sued again by the rich hippies who stopped protesting and became lawyers. “Boomers” is just a short-speak for people who have too many turds in their pockets; they don’t know the crying jags of pain and how hard it is to be an Emo Kid for over forty years. (I still wear black to work). But I’m a lifeguard at Marina State Beach and black lifeguarding is usually frowned upon. The h...

2 likes

Love is a Candied Parsnip

Odd? Miss Marcie didn’t have children of her own and was the last one to put out a cup of peppermint candies, the way that they remind orphans of Christmas Spirit, swirls of candy that had been cleaved from their canes – the Righteous... No, the appetite of a win. And it must be said that more than one boy took a stray punch in the yard to come to her office ready to confess, “Yes. It hurts.”(and I love you. I love you. Forever)“Yes, it hurts, right there. That hurts.” (Your hands make me tremble.)A boy had to play as if he didn’t know ...

3 likes

(draft 1)A Gentleman Must Sometimes eat Fish

I thought I seen everything possible on vacations until the tire blew out near Rio Vista and the tow trucker driver said that the rim of the wheel had been so demolished that he would have to drive into Lodi and buy a new wheel “or a new SET of wheels” if I was stuck on the manufacturer’s sizes. This man told me to go ahead an enjoy the splendor of the town and he would be back just as soon as possible. It didn’t seem strange that he would not drive me back to the major corridors of towns and traffic and I left a message with my dad, “...

5 likes

The Man Card

Drunk Dentist, Chestmaster and Tommy were all drinking because it is a favorite pastime of the surgeon. The Chestmaster did not want to join them at first but they said they would only listen to his glory days in the Russian Federation if he took a swig because American bottles are often filled in thirds. Mahdav began to twirl his cup, “What are you working on, Tommy?” I had to admit that a new form of pornography had come to my office, a challenge so exciting that I could not date or even see my impossible children. This new lov...

4 likes

Rated R (for Radical)

Um … Sure. The Mary crazy of Reno is totally a hot mom-to-be and has dozens of admirers who probably haven’t met her in person and don’t know that her eyes might be locked into a loving stare of solidarity but her mind is fixated on the wrinkle in your necktie. The waiter is the first to notice this when Mary sends back a fork and then another and this poor guy has to actually open a box of “fine silver from Schaborgen”, and cut the box open because his arms are not strong enough to pull apart vacuum protecto wrap. Yeah, this gorg...

4 likes

No Blain for Unclaimed Bodies

Submitted to Contest #290

GET UPAlexa is set to ‘prison security voice’ and the second alarm blares out the bridge to Ouija Board by Morrisey, it’s time for Jillian to rouse, smell her pits, and decide if there is enough time to take a shower including the hair because she does not enjoy the elastic pain of shower caps. Her watch rings “ring zip ring” (like that) and she barely remembers it’s the day to put Ms. Lice in the ground. FUNERAL at 8. Quaking, because her adult kids left the package to Jimmy Dean Croissants open when she was defrosting and not rea...

6 likes

My Angel's name was Pauve

Submitted to Contest #290

My angel’s name was Pauve, but I didn’t get to name him. Pauve used to keep the house safe at night, locking the doors, checking that the camera lenses were clean, setting the mouse traps and the solar launch snares, he used to clean up the blood spills and mimick the noise-dampening slurry of traffic. There were no reports to wake up to, no 3 am knocks, and the mosquitos from the great pond across the street obeyed Pauve and didn’t fly over without a direct summoning.Then I brought home a dog. Just a limp cocker-spanial with hair so matted ...

4 likes

Couple’s Therapy: Ukraine Russia Edition

Submitted to Contest #290

Couple’s Therapy: Ukraine Russia EditionDah. “Now Don-nald, I have to say this is very mature of you meeting me man to man. It’s much (how you say?) much less NOISY without the princess of Ukraine. This is good, no?”“Well Vlad, “ [Crossing the legs] “I’ve had time to learn this life is more than money. I’ve had my share of big splits… Why don’t you tell me what really troubles you?”“You know I take care of her for many years and she gives me back my nukeclear rings and say this: ‘Destroy! Destroy!’ You know how the nukeclear ring is for...

12 likes

Foxtrot Unicorn Charlie Kilo

My friend needed to quit smoking to become a royal Baby Sitter in one of the Sarahan countries which are very dry but have many children to watch. She slept the first day and then promised everyone at the club that she was done with fags/harpies/cancer forever. Most of the folks went about their business with darts and dry martinis but it seemed that this friend was too confident and would go over to Africa and then get deported as soon as she asked the young Prince or Princess for a match. “How do you know you’re _really_ over?”&n...

4 likes

The True History of England's Favorite Colony, as I heard it

Submitted to Contest #289

Trigger: written in the fat thumb grammar to avoid data miners over-borrowing any more labor.Grandpa was dragged out by his neck and forced to sign his property away. The crows thronged hard and threw their gnatty green tomatoes, their wooden shear sticks fanning about in the hazey morning. It was like a thunder strike as this tassled leash went around his neck and someone slapped a horse on the hind and the cobblestones went bumpety bumpety. It’s rough to have this awesome guy, this King of royal blood in your line, but you can’t brag ...

19 likes

Elvis is Coming

Submitted to Contest #280

Master Combat Sargeant Elvis Kneel was discharged from his third tour of active duty so he could go to the multi-person funeral of his wife and daughters. The Army asked that he leave his duty guns in a secured check with a padlock and a combination given to his squadron commander. The newspapers knew that a scarred and tenacious freak was coming home but they simply reported that the women were survived by their husband and father.The Mayor thought it was a good time to appoint a Vice Mayor if anyone would like the fringe benefit of unlimit...

22 likes

V1.2 Shepard's Pie

The ushers were very kind, just so gentle, not clingy when my legs gave out all the way down the aisle to meet CJ Mach and his microphone. He had one of those 1980’s microphone that was skinny and came to a mushroom head and the man expected me to give him a kiss on the cheek (or the lips if I wanted to get lucky). “Tommmmmmmy Goooooooooround! Come on down.” No CJ. I wll not go down. (I felt like nearly puking). In all my years as a consumer, a sinner, a speeder and the occasional fictitious filing on a tax return – I had neve...

10 likes