Tommy Goround

“Rated R (for Radical)” by Tommy Goround

Um … Sure. The Mary crazy of Reno is totally a hot mom-to-be and has dozens of admirers who probably haven’t met her in person and don’t know that her eyes might be locked into a loving stare of solidarity but her mind is fixated on the wrinkle in your necktie.  The waiter is the first to notice this when Mary sends back a fork and then another and this poor guy has to actually open a box of “fine silver from Schaborgen”, and cut the box open because his arms are not strong enough to pull apart vacuum protecto wrap. Yeah, this gorg...

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“No Blain for Unclaimed Bodies” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #290

GET UPAlexa is set to ‘prison security voice’ and the second alarm blares out the bridge to Ouija Board by Morrisey, it’s time for Jillian to rouse, smell her pits, and decide if there is enough time to take a shower including the hair because she does not enjoy the elastic pain of shower caps. Her watch rings “ring zip ring” (like that) and she barely remembers it’s the day to put Ms. Lice in the ground. FUNERAL at 8. Quaking, because her adult kids left the package to Jimmy Dean Croissants open when she was defrosting and not rea...

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“My Angel's name was Pauve” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #290

My angel’s name was Pauve, but I didn’t get to name him. Pauve used to keep the house safe at night, locking the doors, checking that the camera lenses were clean, setting the mouse traps and the solar launch snares, he used to clean up the blood spills and mimick the noise-dampening slurry of traffic. There were no reports to wake up to, no 3 am knocks, and the mosquitos from the great pond across the street obeyed Pauve and didn’t fly over without a direct summoning.Then I brought home a dog. Just a limp cocker-spanial with hair so matted ...

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“Couple’s Therapy: Ukraine Russia Edition” by Tommy Goround

Couple’s Therapy: Ukraine Russia EditionDah. “Now Don-nald, I have to say this is very mature of you meeting me man to man. It’s much (how you say?) much less NOISY without the princess of Ukraine. This is good, no?”“Well Vlad, “ [Crossing the legs] “I’ve had time to learn this life is more than money. I’ve had my share of big splits… Why don’t you tell me what really troubles you?”“You know I take care of her for many years and she gives me back my nukeclear rings and say this: ‘Destroy! Destroy!’ You know how the nukeclear ring is for...

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“Foxtrot Unicorn Charlie Kilo” by Tommy Goround

My friend needed to quit smoking to become a royal Baby Sitter in one of the Sarahan countries which are very dry but have many children to watch. She slept the first day and then promised everyone at the club that she was done with fags/harpies/cancer forever. Most of the folks went about their business with darts and dry martinis but it seemed that this friend was too confident and would go over to Africa and then get deported as soon as she asked the young Prince or Princess for a match. “How do you know you’re _really_ over?”&n...

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“The True History of England's Favorite Colony, as I heard it” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #289

Trigger: written in the fat thumb grammar to avoid data miners over-borrowing any more labor.Grandpa was dragged out by his neck and forced to sign his property away. The crows thronged hard and threw their gnatty green tomatoes, their wooden shear sticks fanning about in the hazey morning. It was like a thunder strike as this tassled leash went around his neck and someone slapped a horse on the hind and the cobblestones went bumpety bumpety. It’s rough to have this awesome guy, this King of royal blood in your line, but you can’t brag ...

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“Elvis is Coming” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #280

Master Combat Sargeant Elvis Kneel was discharged from his third tour of active duty so he could go to the multi-person funeral of his wife and daughters. The Army asked that he leave his duty guns in a secured check with a padlock and a combination given to his squadron commander. The newspapers knew that a scarred and tenacious freak was coming home but they simply reported that the women were survived by their husband and father.The Mayor thought it was a good time to appoint a Vice Mayor if anyone would like the fringe benefit of unlimit...

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“V1.2 Shepard's Pie” by Tommy Goround

The ushers were very kind, just so gentle, not clingy when my legs gave out all the way down the aisle to meet CJ Mach and his microphone. He had one of those 1980’s microphone that was skinny and came to a mushroom head and the man expected me to give him a kiss on the cheek (or the lips if I wanted to get lucky). “Tommmmmmmy Goooooooooround! Come on down.” No CJ. I wll not go down. (I felt like nearly puking). In all my years as a consumer, a sinner, a speeder and the occasional fictitious filing on a tax return – I had neve...

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“We Are Forced to Take a Stand ” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #277

Hard Water was going around because some of the local kids got hold of oodles of erectile dysfunctional pills and climbed the water tower, opened the testing hatch and “Voila!”Blame Amazon, again. So the entire town is on lockdown now because Mr. Westly at the bank likes to walk around with his morning coffee. His wokeness was right in the face of a kid waiting to see if their parents got an extension on their mortgage. The kid screamed, Mr. Westley dropped his coffee all over the spots that got McDonald’s sued for hot coffee. The bank ...

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“Michelle's death was greatly exaggerated.” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #272

The tales of Michelle’s death were greatly exaggerated. She did not die of Hyper-Calcitus (the overconsumption of orange juice), and she did not require 16,000$ worth of encasement and beachfront property in Pacific Grove. I had always argued that the cemetery was too close to the Pebble Beach golfers, their crusty eyesight was conjunctive, and it would take only one missliced drive and I was going to join her forever.Michelle got the kind of funeral reserved for rich nobles in the 14th century. I wondered if they buried Lady Godiva with clo...

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“Out of Hand” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #268

All right, the omnipresent omni-powerful phone thing is getting out of hand.  I mean a guy can’t even take a girl out anymore without her trying to wrap his phone in a wad of tin foil. They follow us into the restroom on the first date. Not to make sure we are washing hands but to make sure we do not defile the stalls with the lust which is founded in the Wall Street Journal.  “I can see your feet!”  Olivia is screaming at me and I thought it was a private place and the waiter understood. He would fill her cup with iced tonics...

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“Psst...(Jill killed Jack)” by Tommy Goround

⭐️ Shortlisted for Contest #256

“I very much need some socks pretty please with sugar on top.” This was the text that I sent to my estranged ex-wife. The one who wanted to drag me out to the wilderness under the guise of talking about financing our first childs’ entrance into college. I knew that she was old fashioned and wanted to push me from a hill. Just like Fellini. So my last request was not very sinister. I mean, even death row inmates should get some free laundry or a meal. Maybe even a prayer? I looked into the pantry of my rental and decided there ...

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“So help me, I'm Yours” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #209

-1-Merryl Schenosi has a paper bag because she cares for the Earth. She’s on my porch in heels, a blue skirt that matches the blouse coat, a realtor’s badge near the place reserved for handkerchiefs. “It’s time to evacuate, Mr. Goround.” My realtor has come at 10:02 pm on a Sunday before the Dance of Cyclones, opening storm, 2023 because she cares. Someone gave her a copy of my car keys, or she must have broken into the dealership? Or we were lovers and I forgot.“Everything you ever needed is in the bag.” Alright. She can guid...

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“The Swatter” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #201

One would not normally use a fly swatter to remove a pizza from an oven. It doesn't matter that they are the same basic shape.I'm trying to explain this to Bedo who looks forlorn. His yellow plastic flyswatter is the only item he brought through customs besides the necessary change of clothing and one toothbrush. It's less than satisfying because most people get wonderful gifts when they host a child.My neighbor Henry points to his Hyundai in the yard."Come on Bedo." We walk right past the green bedazzled Hyundai as my neighbor is trying to ...

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“No more laundry.” by Tommy Goround

⭐️ Shortlisted for Contest #169

It's a mortuary fact that dead bodies should not be buried without a banana. Most of the dead people around our town drink too much coffee and spout their mouths out in public, then they just die, die, and the explosive parts of their personality gather energy.For example, Hilda Benderhole used to have the most terrible intergestion about the way my dog urinated all over her flowers. We all know that flowers need the dogs, especially in a drought. When Hilda died, her husband wouldn't even use those flowers for her gravesite. Bad Muju.Well, ...

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