Tommy Goround

“Elvis is Coming” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #280

Master Combat Sargeant Elvis Kneel was discharged from his third tour of active duty so he could go to the multi-person funeral of his wife and daughters. The Army asked that he leave his duty guns in a secured check with a padlock and a combination given to his squadron commander. The newspapers knew that a scarred and tenacious freak was coming home but they simply reported that the women were survived by their husband and father.The Mayor thought it was a good time to appoint a Vice Mayor if anyone would like the fringe benefit of unlimit...

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“V1.2 Shepard's Pie” by Tommy Goround

The ushers were very kind, just so gentle, not clingy when my legs gave out all the way down the aisle to meet CJ Mach and his microphone. He had one of those 1980’s microphone that was skinny and came to a mushroom head and the man expected me to give him a kiss on the cheek (or the lips if I wanted to get lucky). “Tommmmmmmy Goooooooooround! Come on down.” No CJ. I wll not go down. (I felt like nearly puking). In all my years as a consumer, a sinner, a speeder and the occasional fictitious filing on a tax return – I had neve...

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“We Are Forced to Take a Stand ” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #277

Hard Water was going around because some of the local kids got hold of oodles of erectile dysfunctional pills and climbed the water tower, opened the testing hatch and “Voila!”Blame Amazon, again. So the entire town is on lockdown now because Mr. Westly at the bank likes to walk around with his morning coffee. His wokeness was right in the face of a kid waiting to see if their parents got an extension on their mortgage. The kid screamed, Mr. Westley dropped his coffee all over the spots that got McDonald’s sued for hot coffee. The bank ...

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“Exotic Lovers of Animals” by Tommy Goround

Everytime the dog licked someone's face it was gone. Worse than watching a car crash that was bound to happen. Worse than watching world leaders posture and threaten and shake their fragile nuclear weapons buttons.Yes, the strange mountain dog would lick people right out of existence. He was so cute and fluffy (when he was groomed) it was as if the owner had gotten the last hound of Hades and was restocking the netherworld with crowds and former cat owners. Like dog lovers are so easy to hypnotize and so eager to get attention from strange m...

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“Michelle's death was greatly exaggerated.” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #272

The tales of Michelle’s death were greatly exaggerated. She did not die of Hyper-Calcitus (the overconsumption of orange juice), and she did not require 16,000$ worth of encasement and beachfront property in Pacific Grove. I had always argued that the cemetery was too close to the Pebble Beach golfers, their crusty eyesight was conjunctive, and it would take only one missliced drive and I was going to join her forever.Michelle got the kind of funeral reserved for rich nobles in the 14th century. I wondered if they buried Lady Godiva with clo...

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“Morgan's Story” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #270

Grandpa had always taken care of Morgan and it didn’t seem fair that he would give his life to California because Morgan was still in need. Out of the 40 million known people in the state, nearly half had offered themselves for human sacrifice on the Dragon Tree in Galt because they were losing their homes. Because the California Aqueduct went through their farms and they were not allowed to siphon water as their crops died. People needed the prices of food to come down. They needed the dragons. Dragon dung is super nutritious and ...

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“Out of Hand” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #268

All right, the omnipresent omni-powerful phone thing is getting out of hand.  I mean a guy can’t even take a girl out anymore without her trying to wrap his phone in a wad of tin foil. They follow us into the restroom on the first date. Not to make sure we are washing hands but to make sure we do not defile the stalls with the lust which is founded in the Wall Street Journal.  “I can see your feet!”  Olivia is screaming at me and I thought it was a private place and the waiter understood. He would fill her cup with iced tonics...

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“Let It All Out, brutha” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #261

There’s a sign near my door which reads:60 years maximum parking.It might seem arbitrary but it is given in time units because the bureau sweeper knows my biology. The blood smears have a purpose and we have to make room for the young.The Activity Counselor/Wills & Trust Lawyer comes into my room with a tray of eggs and one flower in a vase. The flower is a dandelion. Judy Bench says I should blow on the dandelion after making a wish and proceed with the eggs (wich are always poached in boiled water).The eggs resemble brain matter unleas...

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“Psst...(Jill killed Jack)” by Tommy Goround

⭐️ Shortlisted for Contest #256

“I very much need some socks pretty please with sugar on top.” This was the text that I sent to my estranged ex-wife. The one who wanted to drag me out to the wilderness under the guise of talking about financing our first childs’ entrance into college. I knew that she was old fashioned and wanted to push me from a hill. Just like Fellini. So my last request was not very sinister. I mean, even death row inmates should get some free laundry or a meal. Maybe even a prayer? I looked into the pantry of my rental and decided there ...

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“So help me, I'm Yours” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #209

-1-Merryl Schenosi has a paper bag because she cares for the Earth. She’s on my porch in heels, a blue skirt that matches the blouse coat, a realtor’s badge near the place reserved for handkerchiefs. “It’s time to evacuate, Mr. Goround.” My realtor has come at 10:02 pm on a Sunday before the Dance of Cyclones, opening storm, 2023 because she cares. Someone gave her a copy of my car keys, or she must have broken into the dealership? Or we were lovers and I forgot.“Everything you ever needed is in the bag.” Alright. She can guid...

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“The Swatter” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #201

One would not normally use a fly swatter to remove a pizza from an oven. It doesn't matter that they are the same basic shape.I'm trying to explain this to Bedo who looks forlorn. His yellow plastic flyswatter is the only item he brought through customs besides the necessary change of clothing and one toothbrush. It's less than satisfying because most people get wonderful gifts when they host a child.My neighbor Henry points to his Hyundai in the yard."Come on Bedo." We walk right past the green bedazzled Hyundai as my neighbor is trying to ...

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“Hit Me Again, Bob” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #187

T/W: Aunt Jemima used as a seductive pancake maker. A song from 1893 by Henry Miller is quoted. Both of these are found in the free use policy of international satire law. There's also some religious language. Don't read this if you go to a non-denominational church. ########### You know when the judge gives you three to five … Hours  of community service He's not asking you to train for a new profession. I throw my shovel down and tell big David Bagelwood that he needs to take care of the carcass himself. My name is not Animal ...

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“No more laundry.” by Tommy Goround

⭐️ Shortlisted for Contest #169

It's a mortuary fact that dead bodies should not be buried without a banana. Most of the dead people around our town drink too much coffee and spout their mouths out in public, then they just die, die, and the explosive parts of their personality gather energy.For example, Hilda Benderhole used to have the most terrible intergestion about the way my dog urinated all over her flowers. We all know that flowers need the dogs, especially in a drought. When Hilda died, her husband wouldn't even use those flowers for her gravesite. Bad Muju.Well, ...

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“The Benefit Society” by Tommy Goround

⭐️ Shortlisted for Contest #169

There's a graveyard in Old Home, California, that hasn't changed its prices since 1978. The locals know it. They are suspicious of strangers coming to their town with pickup trucks because everyone in the world would like a free plot of land just to bury their kin.One time Sally Greenbow told us that the military did not pay enough to bury her husband after Iraq. The commercials on the television say that the average funeral cost is the same price as a used Toyota. The same price as a 5-year-old car that will get you to work. I'm sure that m...

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