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Tommy Goround

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Apr, 2022

Stories (21)

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217 Followers

68 Following

21 Stories

3901 karma pts

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Strange women

Steve was a beautiful and kind soul, working at a dive bar as the head chef of things people used to put in their mouths while drinking. He never asked for such great responsibility and had left San Francisco as a man who was forced to chop vegetables for ten years, so many vegetable deaths at that time. Now we kept him close, a veteran, and promised to never make him hear the screams of onions again.To this end, all of agree that we would only order real meat and bread that had never shown to have a soul. There’s an anciet yogihitstu machin...

3 likes

The Mystery of Grandma's Smile

The Mystery of Nanna’s phone having messages from dead Grandpa was going to be a real toughie. “Well, what did he say?” I was trying to change the subject but mom was all in their business because she was the oldest daughter and wanted to make sure it wasn’t time to send grandma to The Cognitive Decline Psychiatric Hospital. Mom didn’t really need the money but told everyone she couldn’t move to Tahiti because she had to take care of her mother. As mom was dating a male model who also was a CFO in banking – I felt that she should probably l...

3 likes

Adele means Noble & Kind

The heart hurt, I wouldn’t wash for days almost enjoying how my effluvium filled a room. People were so polite; they said nothing.The dog needed to be walked, so scruffy, like he knew his master’s mirth, and we got into the convertible and put the top down, though the overcast could go either way. It was still early. Traffic could not be blasted awake by their coffee and their luxury watches ticking away the minutes until they made it. There’s a calm in the still hours of the morn, the queen's necklace, we put the travel-verse in high fideli...

3 likes

The State Farm

Title: The State FarmT/w: adult language and themes. You might have heard about the Hollywood fires and might wonder why anyone should care that so many old-time actors lost their homes. Some of them hadn’t worked in years.The real trouble is that all the insurance companies got hit at once, and they all wanted to leave California because it gets really expensive when a state starts replacing all their houses above 800 Thousand Dollars, let alone the 26-bedroom uglies down in Los Angeles.I was just walking over to my old pal Rob, at State Fa...

2 likes

Toto, Wine, Crocodiles

My friend Bing is a true believer. He’s the kind of man who drives to Texas to get hairplugs and comes back with partial ownership in an oil well in Arkansas. Apparently, many men lie down in these barberchairs while a sewing machine with a flexible table weaves in human hair and Rogaine Roots to their scalp. The sewing machines are quiet, and the non-barber has to cut the hair threads when they reach around 6 inches long, and then Bing was supposed to wait a day before final styling, looking like a hippy rock star from the days of Glam Rock...

2 likes

My New Job as a Community Advocate

Ringa Ring… Straight to voicemail.“Son of a …”People don’t really want to talk to you when the local news had plastered your face on their tiny paper with the headline: CULT LEADER AT IT AGAINHerald, the publisher, really wanted me to deliver his newspapers on my 70-miles-an-hour-adul- scooter which had been stolen by the courts. I told him NO WAY was I risking energy and possible leg cramps to throw his little rag into the yards of people and get eaten by their dogs.For I am an environmentalist.(Kinda)Truth be told, the average veterinarian...

6 likes

A Story about... Love licenses, Child Rearing and getting Paid

Submitted to Contest #299

Every two years in California you have to renew your marriage license or the police can come into your bedroom and take the kids out of the stomach. It’s really weird and I’m greatful it hasn’t happened yet. But this year I got a notice, DOG Certification Required, in addition to paying the normal marriage license fees and getting a red sticker to put on my wife. She forced me to get my marriage registration tattooed on my left finger while I was drinking. I just pay for the tattoo number removal and then get the new one zipped on every year...

21 likes

EDS

Submitted to Contest #293

Tom Svinver barely missed the weight limit designed by the National Space Administration who claimed that his extra twenty pounds would cost a quarter million dollars to make him weightless. It was cost-prohibitive to send obese people to space. He had tried diet and exercise but at 43 years of age, tethered to a lab all day, Tom was desperately attempting a side-experiment with the dissolution of fat by a chemical alternative. All the rats had died. Two weeks before lift-off and final weight test he asked General Brodrick, “If I find t...

14 likes

No Blain for Unclaimed Bodies

Submitted to Contest #290

GET UPAlexa is set to ‘prison security voice’ and the second alarm blares out the bridge to Ouija Board by Morrisey, it’s time for Jillian to rouse, smell her pits, and decide if there is enough time to take a shower including the hair because she does not enjoy the elastic pain of shower caps. Her watch rings “ring zip ring” (like that) and she barely remembers it’s the day to put Ms. Lice in the ground. FUNERAL at 8. Quaking, because her adult kids left the package to Jimmy Dean Croissants open when she was defrosting and not rea...

7 likes

Couple’s Therapy: Ukraine Russia Edition

Submitted to Contest #290

Couple’s Therapy: Ukraine Russia EditionDah. “Now Don-nald, I have to say this is very mature of you meeting me man to man. It’s much (how you say?) much less NOISY without the princess of Ukraine. This is good, no?”“Well Vlad, “ [Crossing the legs] “I’ve had time to learn this life is more than money. I’ve had my share of big splits… Why don’t you tell me what really troubles you?”“You know I take care of her for many years and she gives me back my nukeclear rings and say this: ‘Destroy! Destroy!’ You know how the nukeclear ring is for...

12 likes

The True History of England's Favorite Colony, as I heard it

Submitted to Contest #289

Trigger: written in the fat thumb grammar to avoid data miners over-borrowing any more labor.Grandpa was dragged out by his neck and forced to sign his property away. The crows thronged hard and threw their gnatty green tomatoes, their wooden shear sticks fanning about in the hazey morning. It was like a thunder strike as this tassled leash went around his neck and someone slapped a horse on the hind and the cobblestones went bumpety bumpety. It’s rough to have this awesome guy, this King of royal blood in your line, but you can’t brag ...

19 likes

Elvis is Coming

Submitted to Contest #280

Master Combat Sargeant Elvis Kneel was discharged from his third tour of active duty so he could go to the multi-person funeral of his wife and daughters. The Army asked that he leave his duty guns in a secured check with a padlock and a combination given to his squadron commander. The newspapers knew that a scarred and tenacious freak was coming home but they simply reported that the women were survived by their husband and father.The Mayor thought it was a good time to appoint a Vice Mayor if anyone would like the fringe benefit of unlimit...

22 likes

V1.2 Shepard's Pie

The ushers were very kind, just so gentle, not clingy when my legs gave out all the way down the aisle to meet CJ Mach and his microphone. He had one of those 1980’s microphone that was skinny and came to a mushroom head and the man expected me to give him a kiss on the cheek (or the lips if I wanted to get lucky). “Tommmmmmmy Goooooooooround! Come on down.” No CJ. I wll not go down. (I felt like nearly puking). In all my years as a consumer, a sinner, a speeder and the occasional fictitious filing on a tax return – I had neve...

10 likes

We Are Forced to Take a Stand

Submitted to Contest #277

Hard Water was going around because some of the local kids got hold of oodles of erectile dysfunctional pills and climbed the water tower, opened the testing hatch and “Voila!”Blame Amazon, again. So the entire town is on lockdown now because Mr. Westly at the bank likes to walk around with his morning coffee. His wokeness was right in the face of a kid waiting to see if their parents got an extension on their mortgage. The kid screamed, Mr. Westley dropped his coffee all over the spots that got McDonald’s sued for hot coffee. The bank ...

14 likes

Michelle's death was greatly exaggerated.

Submitted to Contest #272

The tales of Michelle’s death were greatly exaggerated. She did not die of Hyper-Calcitus (the overconsumption of orange juice), and she did not require 16,000$ worth of encasement and beachfront property in Pacific Grove. I had always argued that the cemetery was too close to the Pebble Beach golfers, their crusty eyesight was conjunctive, and it would take only one missliced drive and I was going to join her forever.Michelle got the kind of funeral reserved for rich nobles in the 14th century. I wondered if they buried Lady Godiva with clo...

13 likes