Ralph Emery Barhydt

“Too Much Talk” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #186

Note: this story is about random sexuality, with a twist.“Take off your clothes.”“What?”“You heard me, take off your clothes.”“Who in holy hell are you?”“I am your next lover.”“Oh my god. Are you crazy? Go back under the rock you slithered out from.”“Am I good looking?”“Who cares?”“Just ask yourself, ‘is this dude good looking.’”“Why should I do that”“It’s important. Just do it.”“OK. Jane is this piece of garbage good looking. Hmm. Well, yes, he is good looking, I suppose. Why would you care?”“Good start. Now, ask yourself, ‘is he muscular? ...

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“Please enter this in this weeks contest. I missed the timing. it's called Horgare and the Witches. Please. It's still Friday here.” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #186

Horgare rose up slowly. It had been a long successful night of burning villages, eating women, and taking more treasure. “In fact” thought Horgare, “it was a record night. “Three of those women were really tasty. Yum.” And. “Look at all this loot. I could barely carry it all home and it’s almost completely filled the room.” The cavern was huge, with lots and lots of smaller caves and nasty crevices that only his body could breach. His treasure room was large and protected by four crevices. Even if some of those nasty men got in, they woul...

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“Midnight Luck” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #180

It was late on a Thursday night. Ralph had driven all the way to Santa Rosa earlier to buy this extra special rifle because he liked the gun shop. Well, and it was one of the very few left in the Bay Area, anti-gun buying capital of the world. The Bay Area had it’s share of random killings and had even started the trend of mass killings back in the early ‘70s when some lunatic took is automatic weapon into a law firm and start killing people. The firm was in tall, modern building in downtown San Francisco and the world was shocked. People ju...

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“Dad's Last Christmas” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #178

Dad’s Last Christmas My dad just died. He was supposed to die at Christmas, but things happened. Good things. He still died of cancer but he had an extra 9 months that was good for all of us. It was a bit bizarre and certainly unexpected. My mom, my sister, and I were all estranged from Dad and simply expected to hear that he had died in the VA hospital. Like I said, things happened. My parents were not divorced but they were separated and lived in different houses. Dad just became irascible, too much so. He never physically beat Mom, bu...

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“Potion Fail” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #176

Hubert was a very bright boy, charming, gifted and ugly. It’s really hard to say that someone is ugly. You can call them “unattractive,” “a little rough,” “kind of plain,” any number of euphemisms; but, Hubert was ugly. The other kids called him “Hubie” and laughed at him whenever he came around, but they liked him. They laughed at him and he took it in stride. He did nothing to encourage it and he just let it roll off his back. Kids started feeling guilty. The girls all stood up for him and, eventually, only the most insecure boys still lau...

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“Goodbye Jolly, Goodbye Karen” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #175

Goodbye Jolly, Goodbye Karen Jolly and Karen had an idea. They had been friends forever, but just recently, they had become lovers. Then, they moved in together. They were very happy, very compatible and quite a bit in love. They talked all the time and they had quite a few good ideas. Today, they had their best idea. They decided to plant a tree together. “Jolly, what a wonderful idea!You are just so cool. I do have a question about it though. We now live in a small house. Yes, we have a yard but it isn’t very big. My guess is that someda...

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“Oh, Thank You, Jeremy” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #173

Oh, Jeremy, thank you. It’s just what I wanted!” She pulled the gleaming, steel gun, a Glock G22, from the wrapping. It really was a thing of beauty no matter what the left-wingers say. She looked it over with great appreciation. After awhile, she ejected the clip. “Jeremy! You devil, you didn’t. This clip is live. So exciting. You really were a dear.” Then, inserted the clip and she shot me three times. It hurt and as I lay dying, I had to reflect over the past year with Connie. So many good, good times. But, she met Alfred. Bummer,...

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“Mid Night” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #172

I am only thirty-five, but I have spent my entire life in service to the Amenophis III. My father was executed because Amenophis, the Pharaoh, wanted my father’s wife, my mother. Although my father’s father was named Yuya and was the Pharaoh’s top military commander, Amenophis killed my father to take my mother Tiy as his own. After my father’s death, mom went to serve in the harem of the sultan and I was brought up in court. She eventually became the “Great Royal Wife” in spite of the hundreds of women in the harem. My mother ruled alm...

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“Happy Birthday, Susan” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #169

Susan let out a big sigh and sat down. She normally didn’t go to movies by herself, but it had been a long harrowing week at IBM. It was a great job, paid well, had lots of interesting, good looking young men and her boss was a good man. The heavy curtains in from of the movie screen were pulling back and she took some nibbles on her popcorn. She just had to have some diversion. Life with Stanley was good but she was beginning to think he was cheating on her. Of course, the new object of his desire had to be her best friend, Monica. Then, th...

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“Quitting” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #166

“I quit.” “I quit. I quit. I quit. I quit.” “I am sending in my resignation this weekend and I will not go to the office on Monday. Never again. You may have to go in to pick up my stuff. In fact, you will have to go in to pick up my stuff. Don’t miss my yellow sweater.” “Ok, then,” said Geoffrey. “Is there anybody in the office you want me to bust up? Any windows or mirrors to break? Anybody to kiss goodbye?” Rachel screamed. “I quit.” Geoffrey responded, “yes, honey bunny. I get that part. You may forgive me for not getting ...

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“Where am I from?” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #164

—————————————————————————————————————————— I come from a very poor family. We moved from house to house across two states because my father kept bouncing the rent checks. Bouncing checks was a habit in an era where it was punishable by jail and I did have to bail him out once due to a bad check. In my high school years, we had no car, no phone and no money for a baseball glove. Naturally, I had no dates and was isolated in my school. We frequently had no money for lunch and no lunch from home. We were wealthy once when my mother’s mot...

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“Kill or Be Killed” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #163

I graduated from college with a commission in the US Army, a Second Lieutenant, a single gold bar and the contempt of most enlisted men. No one liked Second Lieutenants, but time would fix that when you eventually became a First Lieutenant. Another thing that would fix it was Ranger School and Jump School, Airborne. I did both. Why? I don’t think I will ever understand. I was in Army Intelligence, counter-intelligence and had no need to go to Ranger School. Still, I wrote an impassioned letter to a three star general asking him to intervene ...

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“Sheila's Menu” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #162

Sheila's MenuSheila was always there at exactly 5:30 every evening. She stood at a careful angle to the window so that he wouldn’t notice her, but she had a very good view of him. It only took her three nights to have a complete grip on his face. He looked Japanese but he was tall. And. He was very handsome. It was Sheila’s opinion that the menu really wasn’t that interesting but that her handiwork, her calligraphy must have caught his eye. For ten, twenty, thirty minutes every night, he studied her handwriting like he was reading the menu. ...

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“Back in My Day in San Francisco” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Back in my day, sex was a treasured indoor sport, especially in San Francisco. This was in the 70s before AIDS and in a time of economic boom. I worked for a very large, very successful high tech company in a very tall building in San Francisco. Our company took about nine floors of the building and was one of the owners. Success just glittered all over everywhere and the people were beyond vibrant. Everybody was well-dressed, intelligent, bright eyed, and, yes, bushy tailed. In fact, “tail” was the name of the ...

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“Woman Incarnate” by Ralph Emery Barhydt

Submitted to Contest #120

Reincarnation is, at best, controversial. To me, it’s just a stupid, an amusing idea. Still there are a lot of people who believe in it and a lot of serious philosophers who defend it, extoll it, explain it and whatnot. Rudolf Steiner, founder of Waldorf Education, biodynamic farming, singing style, eurythmy and gracious physical development claims it. He claimed to be a “spiritual scientist” and to know the way of higher worlds. What happens between death and rebirth was one of his areas of expertise. Incredibl...

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