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Murray Burns

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Jan, 2022

Stories (139)

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261 Followers

29 Following

139 Stories

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Bio

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #199

Bio(Trigger warning: Crude and likely offensive humor, suggestive of a sophomoric mind; think Beavis and Butthead…or worse; pre-apologies to all.)Doug- handsome, debonaire, confident, athletic, and charming; Wally- not so much.“I’m telling you, Wally, I think tonight will be your night.”“I don’t know, Dougie, I don’t feel comfortable in those situations. I never know what to say to a girl.”“That’s why you’ve got me, Wally. Let’s go.”---------- Wally and Doug sat at the bar like two kids in a candy store.“What do you think, Wally, see an...

17 likes

Meh and Bleh

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #198

Meh and Bleh( Language) It was as certain as the sun rising in the east or old man Parker’s dog barking at the moon. Every first day of school for Mr. Livingston’s thirty-two years of teaching 6th Grade at Lincoln Elementary would begin the same way. The students stood at their desks, recited their names, and gave a brief description of their families, their pets, likes and dislikes, and any hobbies. He believed it was a beneficial exercise for both himself and all the students.Mr. Livingston thought he was seeing double- two boys, iden...

15 likes

Woot

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #198

Woot “Miss Jenkins, could you please bring in the next candidate for the 10th Grade English teacher position?”“Please sit down, young man. And what is your name?”“Woot.”“What?”“No, Woot.”“What?”“No, not what. It’s Woot, sir.”“Miss Jenkins, can you help me out here?”“I think he’s trying to tell you his name is Woot, Mr. Carsons.”“What?”“No, not what, Mr. Carsons. I believe his name is Woot.”“Thank you, Miss Jenkins. Your name is Woot?”“Yes. Actually, it’s Woot Jr., sir. I come from a long line of Woots. Since my dad is a Woot, I’m Woody to my...

17 likes

Hercules Shrugged

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #197

Hercules Shrugged“Are you coming to church, Wally?”“Yes, I have a special intention.”“No, Wally, you can’t do that.”“Why not, Gladys? If you can pray for your beast of a sister to recover from her big toe surgery, I can ask for a little nudge to get Junior headed in the right direction in life.”“Wally, you can’t ask God to get your kid to play football. Besides, it’s his life. You have to let him do what he wants to do, allow him to pursue his dreams.”“Gladys, the kid is 6’2’’, weighs 215 lbs., and runs like a freaking gazelle. And he’s just...

15 likes

Psalm 23

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #196

Psalm 23“In three words I can sum up everything I know about life; it goes on.”- Robert FrostLeaving the station“Dad! He’s been accepted!”“That’s great, honey. Uh, who…and accepted to what?”“Ryan’s been accepted at Madison!”This was good news. Ryan was Rachel’s good friend in high school, and knowing that she would have support in her next stage in life was comforting for Dad. Rachel was a tough kid…sometimes…about some things. But Dad knew she had great anxiety over leaving home and entering one of t...

12 likes

A Simple Act of Kindness

Murray Burns

Shortlisted for Contest #195 ⭐️

A Simple Act of Kindness“The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves.”-Amelia EarhartRule #1- Four downs to get the ball across the goal line (telephone pole); no first downs.Rule #2- Pass rusher must count three “Mississippies” before rushing the quarterback. (No cheating.)Rule #3- No catching the ball on a bounce off the side or roof of a garage.Rule #4- If football goes into Mr. Radtke’s yard, leave ball, run home, and the kid responsible for sending the ball into the forbidden zone shall endure th...

46 likes

Gort Gets The Short End Of The Stick

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #194

Gort Gets The Short End Of The Stick(Crude humor) Ming: “I have another special assignment for you, Gort. It’s an important part of my plan to conquer the Universe. I pulled your name out of a hat, so you get the first shot at this great honor. It’s hardly brain surgery, so even you should be able to pull it off.”Great, lucky me.Ming: “But it could be dangerous. Are you willing to volunteer for the job?”Volunteer? The last time I didn’t volunteer for something I spent a year in the stockade.Gort: “Of course, Merciless One. It is an honor to ...

12 likes

Battling the Windmills of the Mind

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #192

Battling the Windmills of the Mind"Remember me with smiles and laughter,For that is how I will remember you all.If you can only remember me with tears,Then don't remember me at all."-Laura Ingles WilderBad times weigh more than good times. They are more embedded in the mind than happy memories, especially if planted early in life. Happy writes in pencil; sad uses a Sharpie. Charlie will attest to that. ----------People accumulate stuff throughout their lifetime. Then, someday after they’ve left this world, some poor soul will have ...

12 likes

The Home Run

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #191

The Home Run “Regrets, I’ve had a few &...

13 likes

Henry Serves It Up Cold

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #190

Henry Serves It Up Cold(Perhaps a tad bit crude in places.) Courthouse clerks, robotic beings by instinct and training, are not necessarily known for their sense of humor.“Did you hear the one about the guy who wanted to change his name?”“I hear that all the time, sir. That’s what we do here.”“Yeah, but you gotta hear this one.”“Fine, but make it snappy.”“So, the judge asks the guy what his name is now. He says his name is Joe Shits. The judge says he can certainly understand why he wants his name changed, and then asks him what he wants it ...

21 likes

The Seduction of Herb

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #188

The Seduction of Herb“So, what’s the catch?” Even the Party of the First Part was surprised at the quick response, the ease with which the words were spoken, void of any serious consideration of the required consequence. The implication of the message from the Party of the Second Part was that all prior elements were agreed to. “There’s no catch, Herb. That’s the deal, straight up. You get everything I’ve promised in return for your immortal soul.”“That’s it? There is no catch?”“That’s it, Herb.”Slick black ...

17 likes

The Green Mile

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #187

The Green Mile“Yet ah! Why should they know their Fate? Since Sorrow never comes too late, And Happiness too swiftly flies. Thought would destroy their Paradise. No more; where Ignorance is Bliss, ‘Tis Folly to be Wise."-Thomas Grey“We have a pretty good record for adoptions. Most will find homes.”“And for those who aren’t adopted, how long before you…”“Oh, excuse me, sir, we don’t like to talk about those things in front of our clients.”“I understand.”“But this one is a real cutie. I’m ...

37 likes

Frank

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #186

Frank“Good morning, Frank. I’ve got a nice red one for you today.” “It’s perfect, Margie. Red was her favorite.” “Frank, you really don’t have to give me the dollar.” “I know.”----------“Here’s your coffee, Frank. I’ll bring you a menu, Leadhead.”“Thanks, Katie. Why don’t you at least look at a menu, Frank?” “I like the chicken sandwich.”“Yeah, after five years, I get that. But you might like something else.” “But I might not like it.” “Can’t argue with that.”---------- “Leadhead, where does Frank get the f...

28 likes

What, Me Worry?

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #185

What, Me Worry?We’ve all experienced it, that terrifying, heart-stopping, pit in the stomach moment when you realize all is not well in the universe- your car isn’t where you thought you parked it, a valuable item rattles around in the sink for agonizing moments before it disappears down the drain, an empty pocket where your wallet should be. Henry’s traumatic moment hit him like an earthquake. He was stunned, dazed, shaken, and he would soon undertake the long, painful journey through the Five Stages of Grief.“Honey, I’m home!”After twenty-...

30 likes

My Name Is Not Shirley

Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #184

My Name Is Not Shirley“Houston, we have a problem.”“Dammit, Junior, stop calling me Houston! Surely you must know by now that drives me nuts.”“Sorry, Dad, but then you’ve got to stop calling me Shirley.”Reginald Q. Barnes, a/k/a Reggie, a/k/a Junior, made the Prodigal Son look like a pre-transformation Scrooge. Just two weeks after Dean Seymour’s admonition at matriculation that “your business here is learning”, Junior had set his own course- consume inordinate amounts of alcohol and lay as many bets and women as possible. Houston, a/k/a Mr....

16 likes