The Future of Forgiveness

Jessica pulled up to the stark gray building, wondering why they chose such an inhospitable looking place. She almost pulled back out again and went home, but she wanted closure. She needed closure, and this place had said that they could give it to her. She had read everything she could on the business, she wasn’t one to fall for scams, but for some reason there were no alarm bells going off in her head.

She got out of the car and walked up to the glass door, which proved to be a little lighter than she had anticipated, so it swung out much faster than she had planned. She walked up to the long receptionist station, and stood for a minute, waiting for the receptionist to hang up the phone. She could still back out, she hadn’t paid anything, she hadn’t signed anything, but she stayed where she was and waited.

“Sorry for the wait,” the receptionist said, hanging up the phone.

“Not a problem,” Jessica said.

“Do you have an appointment,” the receptionist asked.

“Yes. Jessica Larson, 1 o’clock,” Jessica said.

The receptionist stood up. “Come this way. You picked a slow day, so they’re all ready for you.”

Jessica followed the younger woman into a room where there was a team of people gathered. Men and women, most of them young, a couple middle aged. They looked up and stopped what they were doing when Jessica entered the room. She didn’t know what she had expected, but there weren’t all kinds of machines crowding the room. There was one machine and a computer. A high end computer from what Jessica could see, but nothing that she wouldn’t expect in any office really.

“Hello,” one of the women said, extending her hand for Jessica to shake. “I’m glad you decided to come.”

Everyone then burst into greetings and handshakes, and Jessica stopped feeling tense and unsure of what she was doing. They were all genuinely nice, and didn’t seem to be trying to put one over on her. They led her to one of the chairs around the round table near the wall, and they all sat down when she did.

“I got nervous about doing this,” Jessica said. “I was starting to doubt that it was real.”

“Completely understandable,” one of the older men said. “This is all new territory, especially for us. We even doubted it the first time it worked. We thought maybe we were getting into wishful thinking territory, but it really does work. We all tried it, and we’ve had other people outside of the business trying it too. We know we can give you what you want today.”

“Thank you. I miss her, and there are times when, even though I shouldn’t feel guilty, that I know I used the fact that she couldn’t remember from one day to the next to cover up the worst of my mistakes,” Jessica said.

“You know that we’ve been at work at this for a long time. We asked for volunteers years ago, to download their thoughts and memories, and a facsimile of her physical self. Your mother was one of those volunteers before her memory faded. It took us a long time to put everything together, that’s why it took so long for use to call you about this. We needed it to be perfect for people other than test subjects,” the man said.

“Yes, you mentioned on the phone that she had been an early volunteer, um, what’s your name? It seems rude not to call you by your name,” Jessica said.

“Oh, sorry, it’s Mark. I wasn’t even thinking. I’ve been so focused on this, that all the niceties have gone out of my head,” Mark said, laughing.

“So Mark, this will sound and look like my mother,” Jessica said. “It won’t be some weird mashup of her and somebody else.”

“Exactly. We captured her mannerisms, her speech patterns, her memories and her thoughts. We’ve come a long way since the old AI days when you could tell that it just wasn’t working the way it should,” Mark said.

“It’s just so strange. I knew she was into science fiction, and she was extremely independent, but this seems much more forward thinking of her than I thought she was capable of. I thought she was more old school,” Jessica said.

“She told us that she wanted to set it up in case things happened in the future that she couldn’t control. She mentioned relatives who had Alzheimer’s, and she wanted to make sure that part of her survived if that happened,” Mark said.

“That makes sense. It wasn’t Alzheimer’s that took her, but it was a form of dementia. She and her brother had dementia and her sister had Alzheimer’s. Farther back there was an aunt and uncle of hers who had Alzheimer’s. Now I’m very glad I came,” Jessica said. “So how do we do this?”

Mark stood up and put two chairs opposite each other in the middle of the room. “We’ll have you sit in one of these chairs, and the other chair will be for your mother, as it were,” he said. “We will leave the room to give you the privacy you deserve, and we’ll be making sure everything’s going right from the next room. You say whatever it is that you need to say to her, and she’ll answer you, hopefully in the way you want. We can’t guess at it except to say that she was a very nice woman when she was here, and I think you’ll get what you’re hoping for,” he said.

“Will I be able to see through her like she’s a hologram, or how does that work,” Jessica asked.

“It’s much more substantial than a hologram, she’ll look like a real person sitting there, like she did when she was here,” Mark said.

Jessica hoped she could hold herself together. Her mother had been gone for a few years now, and it had been more years than that since she had been her real self. Jessica missed that version of her mother, she only saw her in dreams anymore. She needed something more substantial than her own mind telling her that her mother forgave her. That her mother’s old self would have forgiven her.

Jessica sat in the chair that Mark had signaled her to sit in. “Okay, let’s do this,” she said.

Mark and the others left the room, closing the door behind them. Jessica noticed that they hadn’t turned down the lights or anything, the room was as it had been when they had been there. She wondered where her mother’s image would come from. Was there a projector somewhere? She assumed it would be more sophisticated than the old projectors, but she couldn’t imagine what else it could be. Suddenly, there was her mother, sitting in the chair across from her. It was shocking and a little more than disconcerting at first. She hadn’t expected her to seem so real, as if she were still alive and able to be in the room. She looked as she had years before, when things were better and she still had her mind. Jessica looked at her for a heartbeat, and then said, “Mom.”

“It’s me. I had these people do all this so you could have me back for a little while if anything went wrong. I take it that something went wrong,” her mother said.

“Yeah, it definitely did. You’ve been gone for a few years now, and this version of you went away even before that. I lost you twice, and I’ve never really gotten over it,” Jessica said.

“I’m sure we did okay when I was still alive,” her mother said.

“Kind of. I mean, I had no help, and it was just the two of us, and I had to quit my job to take care of you, and I had no idea what I was doing, and I know I did things that this version of you would never have forgiven me for,” Jessica said in one big rush.

“What did you do,” her mother asked.

“I got overwhelmed and frustrated, and I used the fact that you wouldn’t remember the next day to excuse when I yelled at you, and you didn’t deserve it, but I was so not prepared for any of it, and I had nobody to go to for help, so I think you suffered for my shortcomings and insistence to keep you home with me,” Jessica said. “I mean, I didn’t have a choice, there was no place good enough, and I wasn’t going to abandon you to people who didn’t love you, but you deserved so much better than I could give you. I think that how I handled things made the end come faster, even if it wasn’t my intent. I don’t know for sure if you would have lasted a lot longer, but I don’t know if I gave you the care you actually needed. There was just so much going on, and the apartment went to hell because I was focusing on you, and you couldn’t clean anymore. I hope you can forgive me for letting you live like that, and for letting you down.”

“Okay, so let me figure this out. You quit your job to stay home and take care of me. You gave up money to do it. You didn’t abandon me to strangers, and yes, you probably yelled at me when you shouldn’t have, but there were plenty of times when I did the same thing when you were little. Did we have some good times,” her mother asked.

“Yeah, we did. You got very silly after the dementia took hold, and I have recordings of you that make me laugh even now. And we went to the zoo, and you liked to go to the store a lot, which we did until we had a pandemic, and then you couldn’t understand why I couldn’t let you out of the apartment,” Jessica said. “I couldn’t risk either of us getting sick.”

“So you kept me safe from dying from a disease on top of everything else,” her mother said.

“Well yeah, nobody else was going to,” Jessica said. “And you couldn’t do it for yourself.”

“How long was I sick,” her mother asked.

“Six years. I didn’t know that you had dementia at first, we both just thought you were extremely depressed again about things that were going on. It took a long time for me to realize what was going on, and that was partially why I got so frustrated in the beginning, because I couldn’t figure out why you couldn’t do things that you’d always been able to do before,” Jessica said, her head lowered.

“What did my doctor say,” her mother asked.

“He wanted you to see a neurologist, but you said there was nothing wrong with you, so we never went. The dementia didn’t fix your stubborn streak,” Jessica said. “You were even more stubborn about things.”

“Not surprising. But you stuck it out and didn’t throw me into a place even after everything,” her mother said.

“I couldn’t. We even did home hospice through the hospital. You died in the apartment, and then I donated your body to the medical school,” Jessica said.

“Like I wanted. I’m surprised you remembered,” her mother said.

“You were freaked out at the idea of being buried after the dementia got bad, and I remembered you had wanted your body to be donated, so I told you not to worry, you weren’t going to be buried,” Jessica said. “There was no funeral, I doubt your family would have showed anyway.”

“That’s what happens when you’re the black sheep of the family,” her mother said.

“I noticed,” Jessica said.

Her mother sat looking at her. “What,” Jessica said.

“You have silver hair. I know you were going gray, but it’s all silver now,” her mother said.

That brought Jessica up short. She didn’t know how this version of her mother could actually see her, and not just some remembered version of her from before her mother’s memory faded. “Well, it’s been a while, and I got sick a year after you died, and this is my hair now,” she said. “I’m better now.”

“Good. I’m kind of glad I wasn’t around for that. I would have worried too much,” her mother said.

“I thought the same thing the whole time I was going through it. I know how you were, and you were really good at worrying,” Jessica said.

“I definitely was,” her mother affirmed strongly.

“So, do you forgive me,” Jessica said hopefully.

“Not that there’s anything to forgive, but yes, I do. I forgive you for giving up your life to take care of me, having to go through hell with me, and having to take care of a stubborn old lady,” her mother said. “One question. Did I let you know that I appreciated it while I was still able to?”

“In a way. You told me you loved me all the time, and I always said it back, and we both know that was not something that happened before that because you’re from a completely different generation. And you wrote something that I found after you died, when you didn’t know who I was anymore, but that I was very important to you. You wrote that you wanted me to have a great and happy life forever. And even when you didn’t know anything else, you always knew my name. The connection was always there, no matter what,” Jessica said, tears starting to form in her eyes.

“So see? You did do good. Mistakes happen, it’s part of being human. I wasn’t perfect, you’re not perfect, but if you do what you can, even when you think you can’t, you do good,” her mother said.

“I miss you,” Jessica said.

“I miss you too,” her mother said. “I’ll show up in a dream again soon. I’ll make it a good one, not one of those crazy ones you have sometimes.”

“Wait, you know about the dreams,” Jessica asked, shocked.

“Of course. How else would I be able to see you,” her mother said. “I have no idea what’s going on in the outside world of course, just what’s in your mind, but it’s better than nothing.”

“I knew you were really visiting me,” Jessica said.

“Of course. I’m still your mother, I have to keep my hand in things somehow,” her mother said. “And I think I’ve just about used up my abilities for now, so it’s time to say goodbye.”

“Bye, Mom. I’m glad I came,” Jessica said.

“I am too,” her mother said, and then she vanished as if she had never been there.

Jessica could only sit there, she couldn’t seem to move. What had just happened was so crazy, so great, and so much what she needed. She sat, just going over and over what had happened, not wanting to lose it yet.

A little while later, the team came back into the room. “We didn’t want to rush back in, we knew you’d need some time to process what happened,” Mark said.

“I did, thank you. I have no idea how you made it happen, but it was amazing. I’m so glad I decided to take the chance,” Jessica said.

“You’re welcome. I’m so glad we could help. If you ever want to come back and talk to her again, you can. Everything is still being stored,” Mark said.

“I’m not sure. I might, but this was what I really needed. I’ll probably decide differently later on, knowing me,” Jessica said.

“Any time you want,” Mark said, holding out his hand as he had earlier.

Jessica stood, shook hands all around again, and then walked out of the room, through the lobby, and back out to her car. She looked at the stark gray building again. Such a plain exterior for a building that holds such amazing things. It held its secrets very tightly. She got into her car, and drove away, feeling freer than she had in a very long time. She was forgiven, and she was still loved by the person who had mattered to her the most.