Forgotten and Tired

The touch of his skin on mine gently woke me, his fingers sending shivers up and down my back. I tried to fight the sensation, forcing my eyelids to stay shut and my arms to stay still. All I wanted to do was move with his touch and find one more moment as we lay in the tent, free and calm. He had to work for my affection though, or he would never truly appreciate it. 

I don't know if it was a hitch in my breathing or the connection between us, but he heard my unspoken challenge and moved his lips across mine. The soft pressure was too much for me to resist and I slid into him. It was never as difficult as I wanted it to be. Chase was the positive to my negative and the pull was too strong. 

Wind rustled against our tent and I pulled away. What always shocked me the most was his smile. It was free and wild and all mine. I melted into it a thousand times over. 

“It’s about that time,” He whispered, sadness in his eyes. He tried to hide it, tried to smile, but the spell was already broken. In 20 minutes I’d have to go back to my house and be Emily Hope Wesson, the respectable daughter of two respectable business owners in this respectable town. “Do you want a ride?” 

He always offered, but he knew I had to say no. The rust red Toyota he drove drew too many eyes in my neighborhood and I refused to let either of us go out with rumors and gossip. At almost six a.m. every middle-aged bitty was out and about with their dogs waiting to call out any indiscretion. 

“It's a short walk.” Just 10 minutes through the woods. “Will I see you tonight?” The way he gripped my hip and pulled my in for one last kiss told me he was just as eager as I was. Just 12 hours and Delilah would be taking her blend of sleeping pills and gin, Dad would still be at the office, and the house staff never looked twice at me. No one really looked twice at me. 

“Yeah.” I could feel his toothy smile against my lips, his breath against my cheek. “My roommates are out tonight, so we don’t have to use the woods.”

It didn’t matter if it was the woods, his house, or under a troll bridge. He was all I needed. Everyone in my life made it known that I was an afterthought, the black sheep, except for him. One look and I knew that I was front and center, special, and loved. 

“I’ll leave as soon as dinner is over.” As hard as it was, I crawled out of the tent and made the short, but awful, trip back home. Every step away from Chase was like a part of me dying, it had been since the moment I met him. It’s ridiculous to say love at first sight or soul mates, because it’s not really that. I didn’t love him the moment I met him, I thought he was dorky and kind of funny, but nothing romantic. He was my best friend almost the minute I moved to Denver. He saw a little mousy girl crying in the corner behind a dumpster because a bully had thrown chocolate milk down my back and everyone said I’d shit myself. 

It was stupid, but he found me and gave me his gym shirt and sweater to tie around my waist. It was the first time anyone had ever protected me. Then last year at a party that I, or either of us, had looked at each other differently. 

With my house coming into view I knew I had to keep my head high, but my eyes down. This was a place to be demure and agreeable. The metal bars on the windows, reminding me that this was a sentence I was serving, and maybe I could get out with good behavior. The dark wood paneling was simply a plus, absorbing all the light around it. Sometimes I remember my life being fun, it was all before Delilah and her daughter though. Beth was the beautiful blonde toddler that stole my fathers heart, and I was the constant disappointment. Emily lies and steals and misbehaves, so why try anymore. 

Like I said, no one paid attention to me so strolling through the front door at 6 am never ruffled many feathers. They probably wouldn’t notice if I was gone for three days, but today they would. I had to be a quiet, loving daughter when my dad and his wife had a dinner party for all their friends to show off their faux little life. Knowing Delilah there was already a dress hanging behind my door, one that I was not to mess if I knew what was good for me. They didn’t buy nice things just so I could soil them. They didn’t buy me nice things at all. 

“If you aren’t going to fix yourself up, why waste the fabric.” 

I didn’t care about dresses or jewelry anyway, Beth could have it all. I was counting down the days until I could leave. This was a place to live until I could get a diploma and a job. Money and clothes and a big house were all pointless when it left me this empty. 

The garage door roared to life and I knew my dad was home. He usually spent a few minutes there to follow up on any emails and texts he couldn’t get to while driving so there was enough time to slink down the hall to my room. 

Just 12 hours…

I inspected myself in the pre-authorized dress. Peach, which complimented Beth’s fair complexion but certainly looked off with my olive skin tone. I'm sure this was meant to match with her dress for the evening. In the distance I could hear silverware clattering and Delilah grumbling so I knew the festivities would be starting soon. Hopefully no one was late, I had no desire for this night to drag. Dad and Delilah’s friends were worse than them when it came to addressing me as a person. 

Making sure to keep close to the walls I entered the dining room. Beth was standing next to her mother as they inspected the glassware. They had brought out the nicer plates and napkins as well, so they were trying to show off. I was right about the dress, I matched perfectly to Beth, but didn’t overpower her. My dad, surprisingly unattached to his phone, looked up as I walked in. He smiled a bit and nodded at me. “You look very nice Emily.” Before I could mutter a “Thank You” he was off. 

I took a look at the clock on the wall. 5 more hours. 

The worst part of any dinner is having to pretend that you care about and understand the topics. Most difficult for me was probably not screaming at the top of my lungs as questions were asked. 

“Where is Bethany going to school next year?” 

“How are you liking Denver Beth?”

“Where did you get Beth’s dress Delilah?”

“How old will you be turning this year?”

I was just an obstacle, a mannequin put at the table to fill it out. 

It was strange because I’m nearly 17. In a year I would be going to college and my first choice is Savannah College of Art and Design, but I’m worried about the heat. I have an interest in photography and Media studies. I’d even dabbled in writing. There are so many opportunities right in front of me and no one cares, they all want to know what the 12-year-old does in her day-to-day life. So if no one cared what I had to say or that I was even there, why was I sitting there. Without much thought, and definitely no plan, I stood and moved away from the table. No one thought much of it, they probably thought I was going to the bathroom. I made no excuses either way. 

I changed quickly into jeans and a hoodie and crawled out of the window. Chase’s apartment was about a 30-minute walk, but I didn’t mind. The streets were all dimly lit and the light hit the asphalt to make it sparkle. There was a creek somewhere in the distance and trees swayed to make their own music as the wind hit. I wasn’t even disrupted by my phone vibrating. It didn’t take my dad as long as usual to notice I was gone. Just so the cops didn’t come around looking for me I answered, 

“Hey,” was the only way I could think to answer the phone. 

The snort he let out of his nostrils was all the hint I needed to pinpoint his anger level. “Where. Are. You?” His friends were still at the house or he would have been screaming. 

“Out,” I said decisively. “I’ll be back tomorrow.” With that I hung up. He didn’t know where I was going, but he knew that I was alive. There would be hell to pay tomorrow, but I had the night. 

Chase came out to meet me as soon as I texted I was close. He was wearing pajama bottoms with a cartoon character I couldn’t place and a T-shirt with a faded peace sign. It was adorable and I couldn’t help but laugh. “Hey, Em.” He looked concerned as we walked closer to each other. Without a second thought he wrapped me in his arms and held me. I hadn’t thought I was that upset about tonight's events but it all seemed to pile together until I was crying. 

It wasn’t shoulder shaking or face contorting, but it hit my heart and my gut as I realized I couldn’t live this life anymore. I wouldn’t live in a world where I was a shadow person or a second thought. 

With Chase’s roommates gone we had the whole house to ourselves, which was nice in my current state. The crying had stopped, though I was still a bit sniffy. Chase had given me an extra set of pajamas and was rubbing my legs as we sat on the couch, letting me sort out my thoughts. At some point I would have to tell him what happened tonight, especially since it would mean we would have to cool down for a bit, at least until my dad forgot about tonight. 

“Em,” he pleaded. Fear and hurt leached from his voice as he leaned in closer to push the hair from my eyes. 

After an hour of trying to get myself together I nearly broke again. “I’m tired of being pushed aside…” My words were sob ridden and barely audible, but he held me closer and didn’t let go until I was asleep. 

I woke up to the smell of coffee and bacon, warmed beneath a dark blue comforter. Chase sat beside me with my breakfast in his lap. The last full breakfast I had was probably 7 years ago. Mostly I eat a protein bar with a fruit smoothie and call it a day. Like Delilah says, “No one will love you if you’re fat.” The smell of the eggs and bacon smelt too good to miss out on. 

There was obviously a question hanging on Chase’s lips as I sat up in bed and took his offering. I ignored the elephant in the room as I took a sip of the cinnamon laced coffee and let it run through my bloodstream. Chase ran his hand along my thigh and I looked up at him. “You can tell me anything,” he reassured me. “Or nothing at all… Just as long as I know you’re safe.”

Obviously, it was time. “I’m not happy at home.” 

I went into everything I could. The dinner party, not knowing if I was coming or going, the clothes and make-up. Not all of this was new information, but it had never been piled up at his feet before. Through the whole thing I tried to keep my breathing level so I didn’t shrivel up again. 

“I’m just exhausted…” Tired of trying, tired of blame, tired of hurting with every breath. Tired of feeling unloved. “I don’t want to go back there.” Everything there is isolation and control. I can’t be happy. Chase moved my food to the end table and curled around me, making a shield against the outside world. At every move he knew not only how to protect me, but that I needed it. 

He let out a deep, angry breath, something I had never heard from him. Chase was the incarnation of a peaceful man, nothing got to him for too long, except for hurting someone he cared about. “Don’t go home,” he begged. “You have a place here. I won’t let you feel this way.”

His grasp on me got tighter and I let the outside world melt into nothing. This was all I needed. Inside I wanted to scream ‘YES, take me away and I will never look back.’ “Do you mean it,” I asked. The question was hesitant and pleading. Maybe he thought it wasn’t a real option, just something to make me feel better. I might actually die if that was the case. This was an escape plan, one that solved all my problems. 

The first words out of his mouth, no questions needed, were perfect. “Let’s go get your things. We’ll figure the rest out later.”

My house looked less intimidating knowing it may be the last time I ever saw it. The bars were a beautiful decoration and the dark wood had a gorgeous accent. This would be a happy home for Beth and she should remember it fondly, and I would try to as well. 

I don’t know if my dad heard the car pulling up to the house, but he was out moments later. We hadn’t even gotten all the way out of the car when I saw him, stoic and still before the doorway. It was intimidating. My dad had never been much of a yeller, he didn’t handle emotions or conflict well. This was going to be a moment when he let his actions speak. When I got to the door with Chase he must have known what was happening. All he did was step aside as I walked to the door. Delilah was inside, watching TV on her favorite chair. “You have 30 minutes,” She informed me. 

Chase and I gathered everything that was important. Clothes and stuffed toys went into trash bags. Books and breakables went into the few boxes my dad had laid out. Delilah wouldn’t have given me the option. There was no way to take the furniture, but I wouldn’t need it. One last look at my near empty room I was out the door. For a moment I looked at my Dad but he didn’t look back. It almost looked like there was a tear in his eye, a glimmer of regret, but it was too late. I pulled the door shut on Chase’s car and there would be no coming back.

There were memories I could take. I would remember the bike rides around the block and the basketball games in the driveway. There would be sleepovers and nights under the stars. I refused to look back on anything bad from there. 

After this moment, at this last look, I would remember good and move forward to create more wonderful memories.