Rambling Thoughts of a High School Misfit

"Just say it," you silently reminded yourself. You knew you'd regret it if you didn't. I mean, what’s he going to do to you? He’s not going to bite you, or hit you, or run away or laugh at you. Well, ok, he might actually laugh at you, and that would be hella humiliating, but how will you know if you don’t just freaking say it, already. 

Just walk over there. You can walk, can’t you? I know, he’s with his friends, and that will be embarrassing, but just go. Just tell him you want to speak to him for a minute. Tell him it’s about the homework. Wait, don’t tell him that. He already thinks you’re a geek. No need to reinforce that idea. You do a good enough job of that already. 

He’s sitting there, laughing and talking. You are missing your chance. Soon the bell is going to ring and then he will go off to his classes and you will have to go off to yours. You may not see him again today. That means you would have to wait until Monday, which gives you two days to convince yourself not to say it. 

He knows you exist, for crying out loud. Stop acting like the two of you have never spoken. I mean, granted, it was just him asking for your homework, but you said “sure” and let him see it, and he said thanks when he returned it, so you have spoken. Crap! Look at the time. The bell is going to ring in ten minutes. You better get a move on. Look at it this way, maybe he will be glad you said it. Maybe he wants to know. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he thinks you are the world’s biggest doofus. So what? At least you will have said it and it will all be done. You need to get it over with. It will be the best thing for you. You are just being difficult! Okay, you have five minutes until the bell rings. Time to make your move. Look at it this way – if you say it and he laughs or whatever, the bell will ring right after and then you won’t have to face him. I mean, you will have to face everyone that sees and hears, but it could be worse. Yes, it could. You don’t know, because you haven’t tried saying it yet. Just go up there, say excuse me and talk. 

Wow! You looked like you were choking on your tongue, and you didn’t say anything! What happened? I thought you were going to say it? Well, you say you will, but when? Oh, look. He’s heading to the coke machine. You could go over there, too, and while he’s getting a coke, you could say it. You wouldn’t even have to look him in the eye. You could just say it to his back. Go on. Now’s your chance. Look, I will go with you. Let’s just go. 

Okay, it’s been seventy-two hours since you last attempted to say it to him. You said you would say it on Monday, and this is Monday, so go say it. Forget about his stupid friends. Just go. You know you will regret it the rest of your life if you don’t! He glanced over here! OMG! He was looking at you. Yes, he was. Don’t be such a big boob, of course he was looking at you. He certainly wasn’t looking at me. Hey, he just glanced over here again, and he kind of smiled at you. Yes, he did. Okay, well he kind of smirked at you, but still…it was something. And you have to admit he was looking at you this time. I mean, what does he have to do, come over here and knock you over the head. Well, maybe he isn’t sure if he can come over and talk to you because you have been acting so stand offish.  But you are. You didn’t even smile back. Okay, smirk back. Whatever. Just go over there before you develop even bigger regrets than you already have. You’re being stupid! He’s just sitting there with his friends, smiling and waiting. Yes! Let’s get on over there before you change your mind. No, you can’t go half way and change your mind, now you look like an idiot! 

Okay, you just call his name and tell him you need to see him for a minute. Well, if he asks what for, tell him it’s private. No, no, no. You’re walking too slow, he’s getting ready to leave. Hurry – ooooo you missed your chance again! You are talking to him in math class tomorrow morning.

Alright, no time like the present. He’s at his desk. You sit right behind him, for crying out loud. Just speak to him. That’s it – I’m getting his attention for you. Crap! Of course, the teacher is early. You better catch him before he leaves, because if you don’t, I’m telling him at lunch that you want to talk to him. 

You made a good move in class, but it wasn’t enough. I know, I saw you tell him hi when he passed back the paper. That was very, very good – especially for you. But it’s not enough, and you know it. I’m going over there and getting him for you. 

Okay, he said he will be here in a minute. Get yourself ready. No, of course you don’t have time to run to the restroom. You are not going to throw up. Look, he’s looking over here. He is watching you. Stop looking like you are going to be sick. Yes, you can control it. He’s getting his bag packed up. I think he’s about to come over here. Get ready. No, no, no – don’t throw up!

Oh, man that was gross. Yes, of course he saw. Half the stupid school saw. I can’t believe you threw up all over my shoes. I know I’m the one that said you didn’t have time to go to the bathroom, but still. 

You can’t live down the puking incident, so use it to open a conversation. Tell him you know how gross it was, and that you ate in the cafeteria or something. My God, find some saving grace.

I am so sick of doing this every day at lunch. You are going to be on your own. Wait! He’s coming over here. You have to say it. You have to! 

YAY! You actually said it. I can’t believe that you finally said it, and the sky didn't fall. You said it, to his face, and he actually said it back!