Thin Ice

I love watching it snow. It seems so peaceful. The snowflakes drifting down, covering everything in a thick layer of white. I sit hereat the window, watching the snow, contimplating my life. Wondering what it would be like to freeze to death. How long would it take? How painful would it be? 

My name is Lisa. Lisa Hopeful. How ironic. Hopeful is about as far from reality for me as it can be. I have nothing to be hopeful for. I have no friends, no job, no family, no one who cares. What? You say there must be someone? No there is not. I have a Facebook page with about 90 "friends". People I don't actually know. I went to school with most of them, but haven't seen them in 30 years. There have been many "we'll have to get together for lunch sometime" posts, but they never happen. They always cancel. I haven't posted on Facebook in six weeks, yet no one has asked if I'm OK, or if anything is wrong.  

I look around at my dingy little one room cabin in the woods, and wonder how I got to this point in my life. It's loney out here. I see my handmade quilts, some artisian glass I've collected over the years, and books, lots of books, many signed by the authors. The cabin is made of logs and sits on the edge of a large lake. It's a bit run down now, front porch is a little saggy. The lake is beautiful. Like something you see in a vacation brochure. It is surrounded by dense forest with lots of pine trees. The lake is also very deep and drops off only about a foot from the shoreline. They say it is bottomless. In the past, people from town would come to the lake to camp, swim, boat. But there is a strang undertow in the lake and the water is always frigid cold, even in the Summer. Many people have drown, due to the unusually cold water and being pulled down by the mysterious undertow. The school kids say it's haunted, but I've never seen any proof of that. I will say that it does look pretty creepy with the early morning fog sitting on it. They made the lake off limits for swimming and boating, so no one really comes out to it anymore. That is why I was able to purchase this cabin so cheap. Occasionally I see a random nature photographer, but normally, no one. I used see lots of wildlife out here, deer, pheasant, coyotes, many types of birds, even a lone bear once, but lately it seems like even they are avoiding me.

I'm about two miles from town, walking distance, barely. I used to be able to walk into town in about 25 minutes, but I've noticed it's taking me longer now. I had a bike, but when I went into a store, the kids would take it and hide it from me. One time they flattened my tires, so I just pushed it back home and left it under a tree. Getting old is not fun. I don't know what I was thinking when I purchased this cabin. I guess I thought I would be young and fit forever. Now when I get home with a backpack full of groceries, I 'm winded and have to sit for a while before I can even put the groceries away. The kids in town laugh at me. Sometimes they throw things at me and call me hippie lady, crazy lady. They have even called me a witch. I always wanted to be the old woman with the pretty long gray hair, herb garden, and flowers, living peacefully in the forest. I have the long gray hair, herb garden, and flowers, but I come across as a recluse, eccentric old crazy lady. I'm really very kind, compassionate, and creative. But I'm mainly tired. Tired of being lonely. Tired of talking to myself. Tired of being bored. Tired of being tired. I feel that I was put on this earth for a reason, I just never figured out what that reason was. Now I'm tired of trying to find out. So I sit here, watching the snow get deeper, reflecting on my life. Thinking of mistakes I have made, bad decisions. Being regretful for so many things. I just can't believe how much I have messed up my life. I always thought that by the time I was in my 60's , I would have a loving husband, and grandkids coming to visit. Instead, here I sit alone in the woods, in a cabin that needs a lot of repairs, wondering why I'm even alive. Funny how things turn out.

 The storm is getting worse. The roads to town will be snowed shut soon. I didn't have the money to pay the electric bill last month. My lights just went out. I'm not sure if my power was turned off or if the snow took a line down. They shut my cell phone off last month since I couldn't pay the bill, but no one ever called me anyway. I don't have much wood left for the fireplace. It will be cold in here soon. The snow was unexpected. I didn't make it into town for groceries. I think I have a can or two of soup left, and maybe some crackers. 

I think I am going to go for a walk outside in the snow. I have on my heavy coat and boots. Visibility is so bad, I can barely make out the edge of the lake. I see that the lake is frozen over with a thin layer of ice, except for out in the middle. The ice is not thick enough to hold a person. I see rabbit tracks and a hole in the ice where the rabbit fell through. I look back at my cabin. It would make a pretty post card with all the snow. I ask God for forgiveness. I tentatively take a long step out onto the thin frozen layer of ice, and it cracks, then breaks, under my feet