There's a Dragon in the Toilet!

‘There’s a dragon in the toilet.’

‘Mmmm?’

Mum wasn’t listening. It was Monday morning, and she was stressed. We were running late, as usual. To try and save time, she was doing her makeup at the same time as she did everything else. I didn’t think this was a good idea. She’s not very good at doing two things at once. Not on a Monday, anyway. Something about the weekend turns her brain to mush. So far, she’d put blush on her toast and rubbed butter on her cheeks instead. Now she was rushing around, too busy to glance my way.

I tried again.

‘There’s a dragon in the toilet.’

‘What do you mean?’ she said, putting lipstick on the cat.

‘I mean there’s a dragon. In the toilet.’

‘What, our toilet?’

‘Yes.’ Where else did she think I meant? The toilet in Buckingham Palace?

‘You are funny, sometimes,’ she laughed, kissing me on the head as she sped by. Her lips smelt of cat food.

‘I’m serious!’

‘That there’s a dragon,’ she said.

‘Yes,’ I said.

‘In the toilet.’

‘Yes! I was going to get dressed but I needed the loo first and—’

She gasped and spun round to look at me. ‘You’re not dressed? Why not? We’ve got to leave in five minutes!’

‘I told you. I couldn’t, because when I went to the loo—’

‘Enough! Go and get dressed. Right this minute.’

‘But—’

‘NOW.’

There was no arguing with her. I would just have to use the loos at school. Hopefully, the dragon would be gone by the time I got back. I wandered out of the kitchen as Mum tried to put a load of clothes into the dishwasher.

After I got home from school, the first thing I did was check the toilet. Our loo is in a little room at the end of a short corridor. Most people would call it a bathroom, but there’s no bath in there. That’s in the room next door. So I just call it the toilet. There was no sign of the dragon. I was still annoyed at Mum, but at least I could go to the loo in my own home.

But my relief didn’t last long, because the next morning there he was again! I was rubbing my eyes when I opened the door and caught a glimpse of shiny red scales. I slammed the door shut. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like people staring at me when I’m on the loo. I didn’t imagine a dragon would like it either. The last thing I wanted was to make a dragon angry. I didn’t know what to do.

I decided to try Dad.

He was sitting on a bean-bag, playing a racing game on the TV. I went to stand in front of him.

‘There’s a dragon in the toilet.’

He leaned his head to look past me.

‘Dad.’

‘Yep.’

‘There’s a dragon in the loo.’

‘I heard.’

‘Well?’ I said, moving in front of him again.

‘Well what?’ he said, and craned his neck the other way.

‘What are you going to do about it?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Nothing?!’

‘Well, it must be a pretty small dragon.’

‘What? Why?’

‘If it’s in the toilet. What’s it doing, going for a swim in the bowl?’

I groaned. ‘It’s not in the actual toilet. It’s sat down on the seat.’

‘Let’s hope he flushes, then,’ grinned Dad.

‘Dad, please. I’m not joking. There’s a dragon in the… on the toilet and I need to go.’

Dad frowned as his car turned a tight corner. He wasn’t paying attention to me. I waved my hands in front of his face. On the screen, the car hit a lamppost and exploded. Dad roared in frustration and nearly said a very bad word.

He turned to me finally. ‘Look,’ he said wearily. ‘I have just come back from a twelve-hour shift. I’ve got another one tonight. And before I get some sleep I would just like to relax for a bit. Is that too much to ask?’

‘No, but—’

‘Good. Now go and get dressed or you’ll be late for school.’

‘What about the dragon?’

Dad sighed and re-loaded his game.

‘You don’t believe me, do you?’

‘I believe you think you saw one. Maybe you imagined it.’

‘I did not imagine it.’

‘Maybe you dreamt it, then. You’ve only just got up, after all.’

‘I didn’t!’

He turned to look at me. His eyebrows were bunched together. They do that when he’s annoyed. It makes it look like there's a caterpillar crawling over his face.

‘Listen to me. There is not a dragon in our toilet. Why on earth would there be a dragon in our toilet?’ The caterpillar twitched. ‘How would it even get into our flat? Let alone into that tiny room. You are being ridiculous. Go. Get. Dressed.’

I scowled. He was clearly not going to help. He did have a point, I suppose. But I know what I saw. I had no idea how it got in there. Or why. But there was definitely a dragon in our toilet.

Once again, the first thing I did when I got home was check the loo. He was gone. I didn’t feel any relief this time, though. I had a feeling I knew what I would see the following morning. As soon as I got up, I went to check. This time I didn’t bother opening the door. I got down onto the carpet and peered through the crack underneath. A great, big, scarlet tail blocked my view. He was back! There must be something special about our loo.

Now I had a real problem. Mum didn’t believe me. Dad didn’t believe me. There was only one person left to try. But I really didn’t want to. It was Mad Aunt Jan. She’s my dad’s sister. She has been staying with us for the last few weeks because she lost her job. It’s made her go a bit funny. Mum says that I’m not supposed to say that. Mum says I have to be nice to her. But it’s so hard! She still speaks to me as if I’m five years old.

Still, I had no choice. Aunt Jan was my only option.

When I found her, she was out on our tiny balcony, doing one of her hobbies. She’s had loads since she’s been here. Each one weirder than the next. There was the one where she knitted jumpers for frogs. And the one after that, where she made jewellery out of hamster fur. Today, she was making dog figurines out of tinfoil and paperclips. I took a deep breath.

‘There’s a dragon in the toilet.’

Mad Aunt Jan hadn’t noticed me, so she jumped. One of the foil dogs fell off the railing and hit a passer-by on the head.

‘Oi!’ cried the man.

‘Oopsie! Sorry about that!’ she called down. The man walked off, grumbling to himself. Aunt Jan turned back to me. ‘Hello, dear! What did you say?’

‘There’s a dragon in the toilet.’

‘Oooh, how exciting! What colour is it?’

I didn’t think that was important, but I answered anyway. ‘Red.’

‘Really? Wowee! I love red dragons! Is it friendly?’

‘I don’t know, really. Probably not.’

‘Oh, I don’t know about that. I know lots of friendly dragons. Let’s go and see!’

I was pretty sure Aunt Jan had never met a dragon. She thought I was playing pretend. But at least she was willing to help. We headed inside.

‘Manny, have you heard?’ she asked Dad as we passed by. ‘There’s a dragon in the loo!’

Dad scowled at me. I avoided his gaze and led Aunt Jan down the corridor. My heart started to race as we drew near. We stopped just outside. I looked at Aunt Jan and she nodded at me. I reached down for the handle. The door creaked as I opened it. I held my breath.

Aunt Jan gasped. ‘How beautiful! Look at those scales, aren’t they lovely! And so red.’ I looked up at her. ‘Hello, Mr Dragon, how are you?’ she continued.

‘Aunt Jan—’

‘I love your wings, they’re so big!’

‘Aunt Jan.’

‘And your tail is beautiful!’

‘AUNT JAN!’

‘Yes, dear?’

‘There’s nothing there.’

It was true. The dragon had gone. Mad Aunt Jan was pretending again. So where was it? It was just here a minute ago. I turned and headed back towards the sitting room. I stopped in the doorway. Dad was stood staring at me with his arms crossed.

‘What have you been telling Aunt Jan?’

‘Dad—’

‘You have got to stop this. It’s been three days now. There is not a dragon in the toilet.’

Aunt Jan caught up with me and stood stock still.

‘Manny—’

‘It’s nice of you to stick up for him, Jan, but enough is enough.’

‘Dad—’

‘I’m serious, now. Cut it out.’

‘But—’

‘FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE,’ shouted Dad, ‘THERE IS NOT A DRAGON IN THE TOILET!’

‘I know there’s not…’

Dad looked relieved.

‘… because he’s standing right behind you.’

Dad looked at me. And he looked at Jan. Then he slowly turned around.

‘AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!’ yelled Dad.

‘ROOOOAAAAARRRRRRRRR,’ roared the dragon.

Mum came rushing in from the kitchen and screamed. The dragon whipped around to face her. Jan leapt in front of Mum and started doing some kind of weird dance. She was yelling something about a snake-charming course she’d been on last month.

The dragon rose up onto its back legs. It flapped its wings and sent Dad flying. He must have landed on the dragon’s tail. It gave the most terrible roar and spun back around. Mum and Jan ducked just in time, and its tail went soaring over their heads. The dragon’s eyes narrowed, and it growled at Dad. First, it dug its claws into the carpet. Then, its nostrils flared and started to glow. A smell like rotten eggs filled the air. I knew what it was going to do next.

‘DAD! MOVE!’ I yelled.

The dragon opened its mouth and flames shot out. They hit the carpet just as Dad rolled under the sofa. The dragon dropped to the floor to see where he had gone. Its big belly flattened the flames, putting them out. It started to fish underneath the seats with one huge claw.

Mum and Jan grabbed the cushions from the sofa. They threw them at the dragon, trying to distract it. It must not have felt them, because it carried on. Dad squirmed backwards, but he was running out of room. The sofa was next to the wall. There was nowhere left to go. Jan grabbed a lamp and threw it. The dragon flinched when it hit him, but continued fishing. Mum picked up a plant pot and did the same. Nothing was working. The dragon’s nostrils were warming up again. The smell of eggs grew stronger. This was Dad’s last chance. I could only think of one thing to do.

I leapt onto the dragon’s back.

At least, I tried to leap onto the dragon’s back. But just as I jumped, the great beast rolled onto its side. I landed squarely onto its stomach, kicking it in the gut. What happened next was horrible. I think I know why the dragon needed to use our loo. Green liquid spurted out of its bottom. The poo splattered onto the walls and gushed onto the floor. It covered the sofa, the curtains and the carpet. It drenched Mum and Jan from head to toe. Even Dad was soaked. The smell was worse than I could imagine. It was like baby nappies, vomit and rotten bananas all rolled into one.

Everything went quiet.

The dragon moaned softly and got to its feet. It dropped me onto the only clean patch of floor. Staggering from side to side, it stumbled out onto the balcony. It grabbed the railing, pulled itself up, and leapt into the air. At last, it was gone. I watched it flap further and further away, covered in poo and tinfoil animals.

I looked around me.

Mum and Jan were frozen in place. Dad was crawling out from underneath the sofa.

‘Told you there was a dragon in the toilet,’ I said.