How we got here

It was probably my fault, I confess, I was never very good at making or keeping friends, much less when I was younger and immature. I still remember how you approached me, always calling me your friend, telling everyone that we were best friends, but I was too stubborn to admit it, I thought that this "Best friends forever" was a lie, I didn't need it and I was much better off alone.

You were a cheerful, outgoing girl, you made friends with everyone, you could be friends with anyone, but you chose me, the quiet nerdy girl in the corner of the classroom. If we were an American teen movie cliché, you would probably be my bully.

Even so, you insisted and always came to me, it was then that I started to realize that I really saw a friend in you, someone who no matter what I did, always came to me, I started to believe in "Forever". But, I blew it. You tried to keep me close for 10 years, but I never appreciated your efforts, you even started to act more like me, maybe to understand me better, I should have been more grateful for that.

We spent some time without talking to each other, but this was how our friendship worked, it didn't matter how long we hadn't seen or spoken to each other, all it took was a "Hi" by text message and we acted as if we had seen each other earlier. Your insistence had worked, I shared so many intimate things with you and vice versa, we trusted each other with our secrets. I would always talk sense into you about the boys you liked, while you made me laugh when I needed to.

"I have news!" You told me all cheerful, I could really see the joy in your eyes and I felt happy, because you were happy.

"Speak up, you sound like you're going to explode if you don't tell me." I replied trying to sound disinterested, but know that deep down I was curious what could have made you so excited.

"I'm getting married!" That was my first shock, because I didn't even think you would be getting married so young, especially that I would be told so suddenly. With my years of practice in pretending to not care about things, I just congratulated you with a smile

I asked "Is this with your boyfriend?"

"No, we broke up a while ago."

"Oh" Another news for me.

"I got a job too, but I'll have to move out to another State, so we'll probably only be able to talk to each other by text message or calls."

"Are you going to live with any relatives or your fiancé" Suddenly there grew within me this desire to know more about your life, there grew within me a desperation to know that I wasn't so important to you anymore, because I didn't know anything about you anymore. I was no longer your "Best Friend Forever," I was just someone you met at school, someone with whom you keep some contact, but not close enough to share important things with.

"Actually, it's with my fiancée.

That was the biggest shock, fiancée. All these years you have hidden something so important, who you really are. I could have been more accepting of your friendship, maybe then I wouldn't have missed so many important events in your life, maybe you would have trusted me enough to come out and have someone to support you, because we know how homophobic your mother is. You must have suffered so much hiding it and maybe you saw in me someone strong enough to support you, but I just pushed you away.

"I'm sorry" I felt I should apologize for assuming your sexuality, as if all those years didn't matter anymore, in front of me I had a stranger.

"It was nothing" You laughed.

I wanted to have told you at that time "I am too", but my rational side said "No". Suddenly I felt as if I didn't know the person in front of me, at that moment, for me, you also became "Someone I met in school".

Nowadays, we still have each other on social media, but we don't even exchange a word. I see you with unfamiliar faces, even you have changed a lot, you no longer look like that cheerful and girly girl who cried when a boy didn't like her, now you are a grown woman who makes people cry for her.

Maybe this was one of the factors that distanced us, the you that I knew wasn't real, you were just trying to be the one that you believed that other people, especially your mother, would like better. But then again, I should have been more receptive. Would you have felt comfortable enough to be who you really are with me if I had been more friendly? Was all this insistence on friendship your cry for help from the one person you believed could understand you?

I believe that the me of now would have been a better friend than the me from the past.

We were young, children, who didn't know or understand very well how the world works. We made promises for the future, a future where we would still be best friends, we would be neighbors, our children would grow up together and call us auntie, as if we were sisters. But, reality is different, our future was different, better or worse? There is no way of knowing, after all, we may not be happy together as we believed, but we are happy in our own way.

For me, the word "Friend" has taken on a much stronger meaning, I just can't call other people that way, so I believe I don't have any friend in the world, because I can't be a good friend. I only know people who become strangers after the bond that connects us is broken, a bond that deteriorates with time, because I don't know how to keep it.

I'm probably to blame for why we got here, from "Best friends" to "Acquaintances who went to the same school and follow each other on social media, but never interact.