Cheers

"Liz, I've been trying to get a hold of you," said Todd on the other end of my phone.

"What's up?" I said. I was distracted. I didn't know why he called. I was dealing with a project that was stressing me out.

"Josh is dead."

I dropped the pen in my hand. "What?"

"I'm so sorry darlin'. He's gone."

I closed my eyes. No. Please no. "Do I even need to ask what happened?" I didn't. I knew I didn't. But I knew I should ask.

"I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I'm sure I'm thinking the same thing as you."

Last time I saw Josh he was hooked up to tubes and wires in an ICU bed. He was not expecting me. He was not really happy to see me either even though he said he was. But I didn't want to see another headstone. Not without trying to stop it. So I hauled myself out on a weekend and went to see Todd and his girlfriend Candace. Josh had been their roommate for more than two years at that point. And I heard the whole story. He had been slowly drowning in alcohol and it had reached a point where he was bleeding internally.

"He hasn't lived here for a year now," said Todd. "Last I heard he was up where you are."

"He never called me. I didn't even know."

"I found out because the hospital called me."

I groaned. Of course.

"I only know about this because his brother got in touch."

I nodded.

"And I'm guessing I'll found out later from him."

"Right."

It was winter. Near Thanksgiving. And the Coronavirus was still in full swing. Normally, we would have a wake a the brewery they used to work at. That's what we always did. At least 20 or 30 of us would gather and drink and hug and see each other again. But this time...

I closed my eyes.

I walked through the green doors with the brass handles. I nodded to the hostesses and quickly said that I was heading for the bar where I was joining friends. They nodded back and let me pick my way through the tables. I round the wooden booths in front of the bar.

"Liz!" shouted a familiar voice.

I turned. My face broke out into a smile with half a sob behind it. "Hey Pavy!" I said already holding my arms open.

The huge wall of red bearded Scottish descendent man stood and wrapped me in his huge arms, giving me a kiss on the cheek at the same time. His big whiskers tickled. "I'm so glad you were able to come!"

Shepherd, his wife, also turned and I heard her shout out, "Elsa!" behind him. Once Pavy had let me go, Shepherd hugged me just as tight. "It's been so long!"

"It's been too long. Oh my goodness."

"Get yourself a drink, I know you had a long drive!" said Pavy.

I nodded. "Yes, yes, that is the next order of business." I turned to the bar and put down my card to start a tab. The bartenders long turned over here, but I am able to order a Jack and coke for old time's sake. While waiting I felt another hand on my shoulder.

"Hey Liz," said Tyson.

I smiled at my friend and former favorite bar tender. (Former only because that is not his job anymore.) "Hey Tyson." We hugged tight clapped each other on the backs.

"I'm really glad you could make it," he said as my drink arrived.

"Thank you for organizing this again," I replied. Tyson is now the de facto leader and organizer of this ragtag family formed so many years ago. We have been flung to the four winds, but when something like this happens, we do our best to return to the place that brought us together.

"Of course, darlin', of course."

A yelp was all the warning I had before wirey arms wrapped around me and squeezed me tight from behind.

Tyson smiled. "I'll leave you to her."

I smiled back and turned to pull Monica into my arms more tightly. "Hey you."

"Lizzi! It's been so long! It's been so long!" Monica clearly wasn't going to let go of me.

"I know darlin', I know. I'm sorry it has to be like this."

She finally let go of me and kissed me on the cheek as well. "Where are you sitting?"

"I'm just now getting my first drink honey, give me a second."

"Just now?"

"Only been here three minutes at most love."

"Liz!" shouted yet another voice. The tall and statuesque Denise was walking towards me with outstretched arms.

I heald out my arm to her and was wrapped tight in her strong arms. "Hello my love," I said to her.

"It's been so very long. I can't believe..."

I rubbed her back. "I know. I know." I hold onto her through a few shudders.

We are not strangers to death in this group. But each one hits harder than the one before.

The next five minutes are like this. I take quick sips of my drink as I am found by brothers and sisters. I coo over a friend's pregnant belly. I giggle at a child grown far more than the last time I saw them. Todd and Candace find me and we hug tight and regret again that Candace and I only meet when bad things have happened. I hug many and I hug them tight. I wave off comments about how long it must have taken me to get there. It doesn't matter to me. I needed this. I needed to be here for this.

Tyson stands on the steps up to the vats and the bell is rung for silence. He makes a heartfelt speech. He raises a glass as he repeats a Catholic blessing. And now I know it's real. The denial stage of grief is funny. You keep thinking maybe it's a mistake. Maybe someone heard something wrong. Maybe... it's a sick joke. But I knew that if I came hear and heard Tyson give a Catholic blessing, then I knew it was real.

We turn and tap our glasses against the glasses and mugs and bottles of those of us all around. We tap the tables and bars to click our glasses against those who have gone before us. And then we drink. We cry. We hug each other tight. We repeat over and over again to call each other, get in touch, let us know, if you ever need anything.

I open my eyes. It's just a daydream.

"Let me know if you hear anything," I said to Todd.

"Of course darlin'."

I message Tyson. I message Monica. I send word to Patrick. Given everything going on, who knows what the arrangements will be. Tyson puts together a wake at our old place, but it's a small gathering. In my heart, I am there. I am with the people who shaped my 20s. I am in the arms of the people that I love as if they were family.