The Man from Ward 18

  Doctor: What is your name?

  Patient: My name is Boniface, sir.

  Doctor: Okay. Mister Boniface, how are you?

  Boniface: I am very good and fine, sir.

  Doctor: Any problems I should know about?

  Boniface: No oh! No problem at all. Why do you ask?

  Doctor: I mean, you came in here and sat on my chair, something must be wrong with you.

  Boniface: It is you that something will be wrong with. What kind of hospital is sef?

  Doctor: Are you okay, Mister Boniface? Answer me, so I can know where we stand.

  Boniface: You are very stupid. So because I stoop so low to be talking to a small rat like you, you think you can insult me anyhow, ehn? Am I not old enough to be your father?

  Doctor: This is crazy.

  Boniface: It is only you that is crazy here o.

  Doctor: I think you misunderstood me. Are you here for treatment, sir? Are you here for um, medicine? Drugs?

  Boniface: If you give me anything ehn, I will report you to the police. How can a young doctor like you be doing drugs? No wonder your head is not correct.

  Doctor: That is enough. If you are not here for treatment or consultation, sir, then kindly leave my office. Other patients are out there waiting.

  Boniface: I am here to collect my money or my blood. Anyone you people have, just give it to me.

  Doctor: Blood? Money?

  Boniface: God forbid! Tufia! Don't give me any blood money o! Just give me normal money, and I will be going. Five hundred thousand.

  Doctor: I am now lost. Five hundred thousand naira? For what?

  Boniface: Doctor Lost, If you have dollars, you can that one to give me. You see, you people are with my blood that I came to sell before. Now I am not selling again, so I want money. Five hundred thousand only, in naira or dollar.

  Doctor: Please explain more.

  Boniface: You deh craze? You no deh hear simple English? I came here a few days back to donate blood and you people did not pay me. Now I am back to collect my blood or my money.

  Doctor: Lies. We only accept donations at end of the year. How then did you donate here a few days back? I think I need to inform security about this...

  Boniface: (Produces a knife from his caftan.) If you move... I will perform surgery on you. Ewu! Yes, I lied. But I donated blood here sometime.

  Doctor: (Coughs.) When, sir?

  Boniface: Check your file, is it not on your hospital document. Check for Boniface Ezege. Anambra state...

  Doctor: I am checking...

  Boniface: (Swings his knife.) O negative. I nearly died that day from blood loss. Do you know if that yellow Nurse Bridgette is still working here? That day, I sent her to get me malt and milk. The winch ran away with my money.

  Doctor: Boniface...Ezege. I think I have found your documentation, sir.

  Boniface: You for no find am before.

  Doctor: Ehem, it says here that on the 18th of November, 2019 you joined a red cross volunteer and donated a pint of blood for charity. That is over two years ago! And besides, why the hell are you now asking for payment if It was for charity?

  Boniface: (Waves knife.) Doctor, can you see this knife I am with?

  Doctor: (Nods.)

  Boniface: Can you see how I am playing with it?

  Doctors: (Nods.)

  Boniface: Good. Now check your file and look for Charity, if she is still alive then tell me her house address. But if the lord has taken her, you must pay me my money? My blood cannot go to waste.

  Doctor: I don't...I don't understand.

  Boniface: Those white oyinbo people are the cause. They came to me when I was going to the bank, saying that they are red cross people. Na dem bring me come this your stupid poverty hospital.

  Doctor: Wait. Do you think that charity is a person? Is that why you want her house address? Christ, are you that stupid!

  Boniface: Look at the type of question you are asking a whole Jesus Christ. May God forgive you. Anyway, those white oyinbo people told me that Mrs. Charity needs blood to save some orphanage little children or something like that. They said that if I give them one bag of blood, they will compensate me.

  Doctor: So you donated the blood, and now after two years, you suddenly return for compensation. If I am not mistaken, those whites were expatriates from Doctors Beyond Borders, and they are long gone. Go to their headquarters in Switzerland for your compensation, Mister Boniface. We cannot help you here.

  Boniface: Thunderbolt fire that stupid mouth. Do you know that after I gave Nurse Bridgette money to buy me malt and she disappeared, I went outside the hospital to find her? Do you know what happened to me on the road?

  Doctor: Please, drop the knife, sir. you can tell me what happened to you, sir.

  Boniface: Motor jammed me. One of those big luxurious buses. It jammed me away from the road and I entered sleeping sickness. When I wake up, I find myself in this useless hospital. You better find me Charity or Nurse Bridgette, or my Five hundred dollars else I will go upstairs now and unplug the oxygens of those other sleeping patients.

  Doctor: Calm down...

  Boniface: No! I will get them, all of them.

  At that moment, a petite nurse bursts into the room, accompanied by a considerably large security man. Boniface at once springs up, wielding his weapon. The doctor also jumps, running to the corner of the room.

  "Nurse Bridgette?" Boniface asks. "Nemesis has finally caught up with you."

  Before Boniface can attempt to dismember the young nurse, the hefty man bundles him up and keeps him pinned to the floor. Boniface begins to sob.

  Doctor: How did this maniac find his way into my office. You security should all be punished for negligence.

  Nurse Bridgette: It is not the fault of security, Doctor. This man escaped from the psychiatric ward and ran into the hospital cafeteria. That is probably where he found the knife. We have been looking for him everywhere. An elderly lady who claims he had insulted her led us here.

  Boniface: You are a liar and you will rot in hell fire.

  Doctors: He claims the hospital owes him money, and that he just awoke from a coma. How true is this, and why hold him in Ward 18?

  Security Detail: Sir, once the man woke up, he tried to unplug the ventilators of the comatose patients. I was asked to transfer him to ward 18 until it had been decided what to do with him.

  Nurse Bridgette: And that Mister Boniface owes the hospital money. We have been treating and monitoring his vitals for the past two years, and for free. The money he now owes this hospital is roughly two million naira, excluding feeding and accommodation, which was covered by the Unicef fund.

  Boniface: Stop pressing my head like that, you gorilla man. Do you want to kill me?

  Doctors: This is indeed a fascinating case. I have no time for this. Take this man away and call in the next patient. They must have been worried sick.

  Boniface: I am not a human being o! I am a boomerang. I will return to hunt you down, Doctor. You, Charity, even your nurse, and her gorilla husband. I will be back for all of you.

  As Mister Boniface is dragged away, he struggles with the hefty security man. The doctor returns to his chair, and Nurse Bridgette recovers the knife.