Rate Your Stay

1^st July 2024

Vanessa:

Hi! I’m looking forward to staying in your gorgeous, quiet cottage. I’ve booked it as a writer friend suggested a change of scene for me while I finish the first draft of my debut novel. I’m not purposefully being boastful by the way – the site was just recommending I introduce myself and give a reason for my stay :)

Best wishes,

Vanessa.

P.S. If I get published, you’ll definitely get a mention in the acknowledgements!

StarHost:

Thank you for booking your stay at Acorn Cottage. Check in is with a lockbox. The code and instructions on where to find the lockbox will be given 24 hours before your stay. Please read the attached documents regarding the house rules.

Vanessa:

Thank you :)

8^th July 2024

Vanessa:

Hi. The site is wanting me to tell you how my check in went. I had a little bit of trouble finding the lockbox. It would have been helpful if you had updated the instructions to note the door that was white has now been painted green. Also it was bin day and I had to move the neighbour’s wheelie bin out of the way. An angry man flung his door open and I was told I was a “bloody tourist” and to “stop poking my nose into other people’s business”.

Not the best of starts! But the cottage is lovely. A bit cosier than expected, but hey, there’s only one of me staying. Can’t figure out the heating though – can anyone talk me through it?

StarHost:

Thank you for letting us know you have checked in to Acorn Cottage. The heating is set at 21° and cannot be adjusted. Feedback from our previous happy customers confirmed they found this a comfortable temperature. Most of our guests are elderly and hence feel the cold more than most.

Vanessa:

But we’re in the middle of a heatwave! And your listing states: “we pride ourselves on our sustainability credentials and the adaptations we have made that gives Acorn Cottage its Green Badge Award”. How is this green?! To have the heating on full blast, all year round. No wonder the polar bears are drowning. However, I’ve found the bag of ice cubes in the freezer, and a fan that was lurking in the cleaning cupboard. I shall make do :)

Vanessa:

Hi again, sorry, but I can’t get any of the windows open. They all seem to have been painted shut?

Starhost:

Hi Vanessa, it’s probably the heat, it makes them stick. Keep trying them and let us know how you get on. Perhaps it would be easier to try again at night when it’s cooled down a bit.

Vanessa:

Never mind, I’ve worked it out. Thanks!

9^th July 2024

Vanessa:

Hi, me again. Sorry to bombard you with messages, but there seems to be a distinct lack of toiletries and cleaning products. You might want to have a word with your cleaner as I think they’ve forgotten to replenish these items.

StarHost:

Hi Vanessa. Actually, I do the cleaning for the cottage. As part of climate credentials, we don’t stock these items and ask that guests bring their own.

Vanessa:

Even handwash?

StarHost:

Even handwash. Please see the welcome pack.  

10^th July 2024

Vanessa:

Hi, I’ve just thought of another ‘sustainable’ adaptation you could make. Triple glazed windows and better insulation. It would also disguise the noise the patrons make when they leave The Gilded Barrel make at midnight. I thought a war had begun! Just a little suggestion – change the description of the “quaint friendly pub a 10 minute walk away” to “belligerent oafs lurking two doors down”. That would help future guests make their minds up whether or not to stay.

Superhost:

Hello Vanessa. Thank you for your feedback. We’re sorry you found the noise levels to be unacceptable. On Tuesdays there is a very popular karaoke night at The Gilded Barrel which our previous guests have thoroughly enjoyed. There is mention of it in the welcome pack. I’m afraid we cannot accept responsibility for the behaviour of others. Please enjoy the rest of your stay.  

11^th July 2024

Vanessa:

I’m sorry if my previous message sounded a little terse. I adopted a “can’t beat them, then join them” attitude that night and opened the bottle I’d brought with me that I was saving for when I write the final line of my novel.

I have not yet written the final line of my novel.

But I have now finished all the painkillers I had on me.

Today presents a fresh dilemma – an unexpected guest. The mousetrap in the pantry has been successful and there is a furry, mangled mouse I don’t know what to do with. I suppose you’ll say it’s all in the welcome pack, but I thought it would be easier to write and get a direct answer.

It’s making me gag. Not long before it starts to rot and the smell of decayed rodent permeates both your cottage and my clothes and notebooks. A process that will be only hastened by this insufferable heat. Help!

Superhost:

You’re staying in the countryside, WTF did you expect

Superhost:

Hi Vanessa, apologies, that was my son who sent that last message. He’d borrowed my phone to use the camera as a mirror and went poking around where he shouldn’t have. Be assured he has been firmly reprimanded.

As a gesture of goodwill, we will be omitting the cleaning fee (£30, detailed in the welcome pack) we usually charge for guests who have filled the mousetrap. My son will be going to Acorn Cottage this afternoon to dispose of the mouse.

We hope you enjoy the remainder of your stay.

16^th July 2024

StarHost:

Dear guest,

Thank you for staying with us at Acorn Cottage.

Attached is the final bill detailing additional costs incurred during your stay. Please pay for the following within 48 hours.

Bag of ice cubes: £20

Operation of cooling fan: £50

Damage incurred to window frame: £75

Damage to breadknife incurred by using it to open window: £5

Cost of re-sorting recycling (apple core belongs in compost bin, not general waste bin; removal of damaged breadknife which belongs in Council's household waste recycling centre): £10

Please don’t forget to rate your stay with us.

Warmest regards.