My Daily Normal

You know that random feeling of panic you get thinking you forgot to turn off the stove or lock the front door? Most people brush it off using logic.  You have never done it before and you do use these things every single day. Why would this time be any different? You promptly turn back to whatever you were doing before.  No big deal, it was just a small bout of illogical thought. Well, this illogical thought is my natural state of being.

I have anxiety.  The textbook definition would be the body’s natural response to stress. It happens to everyone sometimes, but it happens to me all the time.  Some of my stress is real, but some of it is self-induced. Even imagined or invented at times. That is what I am told anyway. I have had a lot of people tell me what I am feeling is not normal, but it is all I have ever known.  It is normal to me and always has been.   

Some call it being paranoid or even crazy, but the truth is, I feel quite normal.  I do not hear voices in my head or see things that are not there. I hold a steady job, a great job in fact. I have friends, own a pet, and have a college degree.  You know, all the things that are considered normal in our society for a well-functioning adult. 

The only problem I have is being too prepared as I like to call it.  Some people are planners, some are not. Some like to feel well prepared, some like to wing it.  Neither is wrong, but people are different, including me. I would place myself in another category all-together. More specifically, ready for damn near anything that could possibly go wrong.  Why go through life being unprepared and making rash decisions on the spot? What I do does not illogical, living life just hoping for the best is what is illogical. 

I still like to be adventurous and travel, I just like to do it carefully. Most people will buy travel insurance in case anything goes wrong, like sickness or something.  Well I like to google all the past natural disasters or accidents that have happened in that area. Is this a high risk area? How many murders are committed annually? Is there a high smog rate that could lead to cancer down the line? Like I said, I like to plan. 

Not only am I a planner, but I deeply care about my social interactions and relationships with others.  I mean, I really care. I can think about the conversation I had with you for days on end. I noticed how your face twitched when I made that comment trying to be funny.  I make a mental note to never say that again and replay the conversation over and over to see what the best comment would have been to make. The way I look at it, I am just trying to improve our future interactions and make sure you do not hate me in the future. 

You know how I said I am a planner? I am a planner for social interactions as well.  I would not want to just go into something blindly. That just seems ridiculous. Without imagining scenarios of how something will go, how will I truly feel prepared?  Even if I order the same coffee every morning, what if there is a different barista who asks me an unexpected question? I would not want to look stupid not having an immediate, witty response ready.

If I have something big coming up, like a presentation at work or a party where I will meet new people, I have to plan for days.  It would be crazy to just wing it. I appreciate how some people can be spontaneous, but I prefer to feel prepared. I never say yes to last minute plans or changes.  That is just asking for things to wrong. You keep your spontaneity, I will keep my sanity. 

Like a lot of adults these days, I am really getting into meditation.  I believe it is good to center yourself and reflect on your day before going to sleep. I follow the steps that I have read in blogs.  I put myself into a calm room, play some relaxing music, and maybe even light a stress-reducing candle or two. I think about my day and reflect.  I think about how many times I got nervous and said the wrong thing or how those girls laughing in the grocery store were probably making fun of me. 

I try to reflect on what I can do differently the day ahead.  Usually my remedy for this is to plan, plan, and plan. You can never do enough planning.  I tell myself I will check the lock three times tomorrow so I do not sit at my desk getting distracted imaging the burglars who are currently robbing me blind.  I will write a script for myself when ordering my morning coffee. I will do curb-side pick up at the grocery store so I am not laughed at behind my back. 

When I told you earlier that I did not hear voices, I was not lying.  I am only hear a voice, just one. It is my own voice. Constantly reminding me to plan. Constantly reminding me about past conversations and even worse, those yet to come. Constantly making me hyper aware of my surroundings.  Constantly making my heart race. Constantly being present. Constantly there. 

If you are like most people thinking I am paranoid or even crazy, just remember, this is my normal.  Next time you have an illogical thought, imagine having it 100 more times that day. When you hear a laugh, assume it is about something stupid you did.  When you drive away from your favorite coffee shop, imagine how they are gossiping about you. It is easy to judge, but not to imagine what it is like in my head. Crazy to some, but normal to me.