The Last Time

The Last Time

“Hello, this is Colin Grant. Sorry, I’m unavailable to take your call right now, but leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

After a long silence, the line beeped and went dead but I kept on holding it against my ear as if by some miraculous chance, he would pick up and say hey.

“Hey,” I said, even though the call had ended. “I- I guess I…” my voice trailed off. “I know this is stupid. But I wish you could hear me right now. It’s been more than a year since I saw you. I still don’t know why you left. Mia and James and Rita and all the others from the dojo miss you. So do I. I think I miss you the most. Why did you leave? I- wish… I want you to come back, Colin. I just want to see you again. I know you’ll never hear this, I don’t even know why I said all this. I just wanted to let you hear this but I guess you’ll never know. The last time I said bye to you was so long ago. I don’t want that to be the last time I say it.”

I sighed and flopped over, tucking my phone under the pillow.

I felt tears rising up. I called his number again, telling myself it would be the last time I called tonight. I knew he wouldn’t pick up. He hadn’t answered any of my calls or texts since he and his uncle disappeared. It was like he just didn’t exist anymore.

“Hello, this is Colin Grant…”

I closed my eyes, listening to his voice and pretending he was on the other side of the line, imagining that he was really talking to me until the line went dead. I put my phone down and lay there for a long time, staring at the ceiling and thinking until my mom came in and turned off the light.

“Get some sleep tonight, okay?” She told me.

I nodded. She left but I still hadn’t moved. The moonlight glowed through the window on a patch of the ceiling. Just like the night Colin and I had slept at the dojo with the other Karate students. I closed my eyes. Maybe I’d get some sleep tonight. I couldn’t stop remembering his smiling eyes telling me he’d see me soon.

Pictures started to form in my mind as I revisited my memories.

I shyly walked into the dojo with my eyes on the ground. I was eleven at the time. A blue-eyed boy came down the stairs, running his hand through his dark hair. I looked up. 

His hands circled mine as he showed me how to tie my belt correctly.

“I’m Colin,” he said.

I was twelve, we were sitting together on the floor of the training room.

“I think you’re really good at Karate,” he said.

I blushed and smiled.

We held hands. It was my thirteenth birthday His face turned red as he slipped his hand around mine. I smiled up at him.

“I think I like you,” he said.

“I think I like you too,” I answered.

The day before I turned fourteen, we kissed and it was better than any birthday present I’d ever gotten.

“I think I’m in love with you,” he said.

“I think I’m in love with you too.”

I opened my eyes. It was already five in the morning. I lay awake for some time and then rolled out of bed and changed into jeans and a hoodie. 

For some reason, I was walking toward the Karate dojo. I stopped. I hadn’t been there for months. What if one of the students was there and recognized me? They probably wouldn’t be there at five in the morning though anyway, I reasoned. I felt a slight longing to see the dojo again anyway. 

The door of the familiar gray building was locked as I expected it to be, but I could still see through the window. My chest ached as I saw the old green cushions where the whole class used to sit and talk after class until Master Ku kicked us out for the night and smiled bitterly as I remembered all the things we’d done together as a class, as a group of friends.

I went around to the back where there was a small wooden bench with all our names carved into it. Rita, Orion, Timmy, James, Mia, Lilliana, Colin… 

I pulled my knees up to my chest and lowered my head into my arms. It wasn’t fair. We were all so perfect, so happy. We all would have been friends for the rest of our lives. I heard footsteps coming around. It was probably Mia or someone. Maybe I should have walked away right then and there. I didn’t want to be stuck with a stranger. 

“Do you come here a lot?” From the voice, I guessed it was a guy.

I kept my head turned away. I felt like I was going to cry and I didn’t want anyone to see me cry.

“Not really,” I said, “I used to. I mean, I used to take classes here. I don’t really anymore.”

I looked up. The boy was wearing a hoodie with the words ‘West Side Karate.’

“What the heck, Dave?” I turned to face the young instructor. “Are you teaching a class today or something?”

He turned and stared with dark blue eyes from under his hood.

I leaned slightly closer and squinted in the dim morning light. “Dave? What the hell happened to your eyes?”

“Dave? Seriously?” A lock of dark hair fell out from his hood.

My heart raced and as the boy reached up to take off his hood, I closed my eyes.

“No. No, Please. Who are you? Why are you here?” Tears streamed from my eyelids.

A finger reached out and brushed my cheek. 

“Hey,” he said and I felt like he’d just shot a bullet into my chest.

“Colin? Colin! Colin!” I reached out and grabbed his arms. 

“I’m back, Lilliana.”

I wrapped my arms around him. “Why are you here? What are you doing? Why are you back?” 

Colin gently unwrapped my arms and took my hand pulling it onto his lap like he used to do. I leaned on his shoulder and wiped my eyes. He looked different. He was so much taller, his features were sharper, less like a little boy. And he was so much more handsome.

“Why did you go?” I asked.

He was silent. “Are you mad at me?” He asked.

“No. Yes- I don’t know. I think I’m still in love with you. It’s hard to be mad, you know, but it hurt, Colin. It hurt when you left. Do you know what it was like, every night, wondering if I would ever see you again?”

It wasn’t until he spoke that I realized he was crying too.

“I’m sorry, Lilli. I don’t know what it was like, and I don’t pretend to, but I’m so, so sorry I left.” His voice cracked and my chest tightened.

“Why didn’t you answer any of my calls or texts?”

“I- couldn’t. It hurt to think of you, much less talk to you.”

“But why did you leave?”

“Uncle Ku…” Colin swallowed.  “is dead.”

“What?” 

“After he died, Grandma came down from Idaho and took me with her. She wouldn’t let me talk to you or anyone else I used to know. She even took my phone. After a while, everything back here began to fade away, like it was an old daydream or something. I couldn’t think about you, or Karate, or anything else. I just couldn’t.”

“I’m sorry,” I said stupidly after a moment of silence as if saying sorry really did anything. “I-I guess I didn’t understand how you felt either. I was mad at you after you left because I never knew why.”

I turned my eyes up to meet his tentatively. He leaned down slowly until our noses were almost touching.

“You still have those cute little freckles,” he whispered and then slowly kissed me.

And all I could think was Is this real, is this real, is this real?

I struggled to keep my eyes open. “Are you going to stay?” I asked, our foreheads still touching. 

“Do you think we can all go back to the way we were again?”

“I don’t know,” I said, “I don’t think we can, but I want you to stay anyway.”

We sat there in silence, my head leaning on his shoulder, my hand in his until I had to leave for school.

When classes were over, he was waiting for me on the sidewalk beside the road I always took.

“Hey,” I said, using our normal greeting and trying to keep my hair out of my face. I sat down next to him so the wind wouldn’t mess it up too much.

“Hey.”

“Have you seen the others yet?”

“No.”

“We could go and visit them tonight,” I suggested.

“I don’t know. Do you think they’ll hate me?”

“Colin, they’ve all missed you furiously since the day you left.”

“Okay. I’ll visit tonight.”

“In your uniform?” 

His eyes met mine and I didn’t look away. “Okay,” he agreed.

We both got to the dojo early that evening. He was already in his uniform. I was still in shorts and a T-shirt.

“Hey,” I greeted him.

“Hey,” he replied.

I pulled on my uniform quickly and tied my belt.

“You moved up,” he remarked.

“Yeah,” I said, “they were going to test me for third-degree before I left.”

“You left?” Colin raised his dark eyebrows.

“I couldn’t stay. I’ll bet you stopped too.”

“Yeah.”

We were silent again, but not like the times before when we sat in a comfortable, understanding silence. This time it was awkward and I didn’t know what to do. He was right, it wouldn’t be the same again.

James and Mia walked in and stared. We stared back. Mia was a junior black belt now. James was a red belt.

We all hugged each other tightly without a word.

“You’re back,” James said.

Colin looked a little happier but uncomfortable.

“Are you going to be teaching class tonight?” Mia asked.

“Are you kidding me?” Colin grinned, “I haven’t gone to a Karate class in almost a year.”

“Will you be participating at least?” James asked.

“I have my pride you know,” Colin replied, laughing.

“Of course you do.”

We all turned around. 

“Rita!” I cried, hugging her tightly.

“What the hell are you two doing here?” She was smiling and tears were rising up in her dark eyes.

“Hey Rita,” Colin said.

“Hey,” she said in the standard reply.

“Hey. Are the others going to be here?” I asked.

“Lilli, there are no more of the others,” Mia said, “All the old ones stopped coming.”

My heart dropped.

“We have new students though,” Rita said, “And they’re just like us. A pair of twins too!”

“They’re two Chinese boys though, not like you redheads.” Dave had come down the stairs. That last comment had been directed at James and Mia.

“Senpai,” we all said hurriedly, bowing.

“Well, go on,” he said, “Don’t let me ruin all the fun.” He walked over to me and Colin. “Welcome back,” he said.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” he said back.

Just then, a girl rushed in. She must have been around twelve, around the time I first started.

“Am I late?” she panted, tucking her loose uniform shirt into her green belt.

“No, you’re good, Kathy, class starts at five,” James replied.

An older blue belt came in the same way Kathy did.

“Caught you!” He said, hooking his finger around the back of Kathy’s belt.

“Hey, that’s not fair!” She threw a perfect back kick into his stomach.

“That’s not fair,” the boy cried.

“Caught you,” she laughed. “Caught you off guard.”

The boy playfully punched twice rapidly, but she dodged the first one and caught the second one, using that arm to throw him to the ground.

“You haven’t beat me in sparring yet, Will.” Kathy ran into the classroom with Will chasing her.

I realized I had been smiling. They reminded me of the old days with Colin.

The Chinese twins came in next. I laughed as they stole Colin’s belt and unfastened the ties on his uniform shirt without him even noticing.

“Hey!” He shouted, “That’s disrespectful!”

The twins laughed and tossed his belt back and forth until one of them put it on and danced around Colin until he picked him up and swung him around lightly onto the sofa. He retrieved his belt just as several more kids rushed into the classroom and started bouncing off the walls and knocking each other around.

“Ohh were you two kissing?” I heard them shout.

I laughed quietly. Colin tapped me on the shoulder.

“Can we go outside for a bit?”

“Sure,” I said.

We walked out to the back and sat on the old wooden bench.

“We used to be just like them,” He said.

“I know,” I smiled sadly, realizing what he was about to say.

“We’re never going to be like that again. We can’t go back to the way things were.”

“I know.” My eyes stung. “I don’t care. I just want you to stay. Maybe things will be different, but that doesn’t matter. I just want you to stay.”

“I-”

“Colin, please don’t leave me again. You don’t know how hard it was for me.” A tear rolled out of my eyes and I brushed it aside angrily.

“I’m sorry Lilliana. I’m so sorry.” I can't stay.

I was trying to understand, trying to figure out what this meant. He was leaving again. He was leaving me.

“I’m sorry too.” I stood up and he did the same. “Colin, I want you to look at me, okay?” I wrapped my arms around his neck and I could feel him holding my waist. “If this is the last time we see each other again…” my voice cracked a little, “You know that I’ll always love you. There’s always going to be a part of me that misses you so much I’d die to see you again. There’s also going to be a part of me that hates you for what you’ve done to me. I think I understand why you’re doing this, but that part of me that hates you doesn’t want to understand. You were right. We can never be the same again. But I think I’m still in love with you, Colin.”

“I think I’m still in love with you too,” he said, and I smiled. 

“I guess this is goodbye then.”

“I guess so.”

“Listen,” I leaned forward until my forehead was almost touching the tip of his nose. “I don’t want to see you again before you go.”

“I know, I get it,” he said.

Our lips touched one last time before I left.

With each step, my feet became heavier and heavier. I felt like I was doing something so wrong. I wanted to go back, but I couldn’t. 

As I reached the corner, I looked back one more time. He was sitting on the sidewalk again like he always did.

“Hey,” he mouthed.

“Hey,” I said quietly under my breath.

Several years later, I sat by myself if my new apartment. Still thinking about him, even after all this time. And true to my word, I still loved him, but I also hated him too. 

Someone had asked me out yesterday. I said no. I thought I was over him, but I didn’t want to be with anyone else, even after all that he’d done to me. I scrolled through Facebook to get him off my mind when he appeared in my feed. He’d posted a picture of him with his arms around a girl at a beach. ‘She said yes!’ was the caption of the post. 

I went to his fiance’s account he’d tagged in the post. She was pretty. Prettier than me.

I went through my phone and deleted his contact, his texts, his call history, pictures of me with him, Instagram posts of us together, everything I could find. I wanted to get over him but I couldn’t.

There would only be one decision in my entire life that I would regret for the rest of my days.

My biggest What If?

But deep down I still knew, He was right.

As I scrolled through my old pictures, I found a video of him when he was fifteen. I’d never seen it before. He must have taken it when I wasn’t looking.

“Hey,” it began, “Hey, I don’t know if you’ll ever see this. Actually, you probably will and then get pissed off at me for stealing your phone, but anyways. You know, I think I like you, Lilli, I think I like you a lot. Anyways, your birthday is tomorrow, right? I can’t wait to see you again. I should probably get this back to your cubby before you kill me. Why do they call it cubbies anyway? It makes us sound like preschoolers. Say hi, Dave! I-”

I stopped the video and turned my phone off and left it there on the table and went back to my room. I can’t believe I let him go just like that. I wish I had convinced him to stay.

But would that really have been the right decision?

I reached across the bed and turned off the light and closed my eyes.

Maybe I would get some sleep tonight.