A Cellist Journey Back

Beep… beep… beep… beep… beeeeeeeeeeep... 

Like the sound of a monitoring system I hear the notes of the strings swim around me. The notes wrap around me like a dance of blissful children. “come back to me” they whisper. My fingers itching to touch a bow again. I shake my head and continue on with my day. Being in a music store reminds me of the days when I played with the symphony. First chair had its privileges but so did being a mother of three. The music still haunts my dreams beginning me to come back.

“Mom I really like this guitar! What do you think?” My oldest excitedly slamming a gleamy big four or was that six string guitar in my face. I jump back instinctively. I would rather keep my nose intact today. “Please mom I really want this one.” I take the guitar from him looking at the price tag and its quality. What would I know about guitars I am a cellist not a guitarist. It looks nice and sleek and the price makes my lunch come back up. “Honey did you see how much this guitar costs? Its $13000 dollars. Put it back right this second! I’m not even sure how you got your hand on it!” feeling my blood pressure rise I look around to make sure I didn’t just grab the attention of one of the many employees desperate to sell their most expensive product to us. 

I watch as he climbs up the four step latter and realize he took it skillfully from the top shelf. This boy is going to give me a heart attack I swear he is, thinking to myself as he slowly climbs back down smiling mischievously at me. He did that on purpose. He then goes to the counter and I follow him curious to see what he really put up there to buy.

“Okay mom the real deal is that I only have half the money for this guitar so I was hoping we could split it. I saved up for as long as I could but the sale is about to end and I really want it. See, take a look.” He shows me this beautiful guitar with mahogany wood and slick black neck. The quality was unmatched by the 13k dollar guitar with its natural beauty. I saw the price, $4,000. Okay not as bad as the other one but realizing that he had saved up $2000 made me ask what the sale was of this guitar. He gently showed the back of the tag, $8000 for this guitar it was half price and he must have been stalking it for the last year because he came on the very last day. Looking at my phone I opened up the bank account I had set aside for each child of my own savings for them and we had exactly $2000. I called his father to ask if he was okay with forking up the taxes for the guitar and he agreed on one condition. He wanted a full blown concert. My son was over joyed and agreed that we would have front seat passed to it.

Walking away from the store with his new guitar it sent me back to the beautiful moment when I entered the music store for my first instrument. The place smelled of wood and lacquer. What a weird combination I had thought. I heard people playing the piano, others talking about their instrument and how the want to improve it. My mother taking me down the stairs where every instrument had lined the wall. “woah mom do you see all the instruments?” Mesmerized by the amount of instruments it was no surprise my mother had laughed and started talking to the receptionist. Like old friends they laughed about old times and picking instruments. I was interested to see what mine would look like. I had been waiting for this moment for my whole 8 years. “Emily why don’t you come sit here so we can fit the cello to you dear. Okay?” I looked dazed at my mom. Right, I am here to try my new instrument too. I smiled and quickly sat in the chair she had set before me. 

The click of the unlock button woke me from my daydream. Sighing to myself in relief one task done 200 more to go. Not bad for a Saturday morning. Turning on the radio to my favorite station 103 The Muze. My son laughs as he anxiously begs me to hurry home. Laughing to myself the melody of the song playing starts to hit my heart. Awe the cello, I feel my body heave a sigh of realization. This is exactly what I needed right now. “Hey mom didn’t you use to play the cello?” My son says while motioning him playing a stringed instrument. I laugh as I see he is motioning a violin not a cello but he wouldn’t know any better. “Yep sure did. Back in college I had auditioned to a symphony orchestra that was going to pay me to play a solo in five of their concerts. I guess I was fairly good back then…” trailing off into thought seeing the stage as though I had just walked out. The chairs lined up beautifully in a half circle. The stands ready for music to be placed on them and the conductors stand straight in front ready for the legendary “tap tap tap” bringing the whole orchestra to its attention.

“Hey mom” looking back to see his concerns face. “Yes love what is it?” I could tell he was contemplated things and still hadn’t found the words yet. “Why did you stop playing the cello?” The words so sweet and bitter it left me speechless for a moment. “Well to be honest Joshy I met your father and I was still performing professionally until I got pregnant. Once I had my first baby I became a stay at home mom to the three of you and haven’t regretted it since.” Lovingly touching his cheek I returned to the road. He was quiet for the rest of the ride home. We pulled into the drive way and stopped the car. Taking a breath before entering the house he grabs my hand. “Mom, you know I love you right?” 

“HAHA yes Josh I know you love me. But I love you more.” I kissed his head and tried to return to the door, but his hand holds me back. “Honey what is it? Is everything okay?” Trying not to panic I feel my anxiety rise as I think of all the possible things that could be wrong and possible solutions. “Mom I want you to play again. I know you gave it up for us but you don’t have to now and I know you miss it.” He gives me a quick side hug and runs inside. 

“I want you to play again…. I know you miss it…” Play the cello again…? Me..? Would that even be possible after all the years I took off? How many years has it been? 15? 16? Wow it has been almost 18 years? That can’t be. “Hubs how long have we been married?” Jonathon chuckling “How is it that I remember this and you don’t Ems?” Smiling from his chair he gets up and walks over to me. Giving me a kiss he gently says 17 years 3 months and 3 days. I smile he always loved keeping track of dates and time. Walking to my study I hear Josh’s words replay over and over in my head. “What should I do?” The question frustrated me but it also excited me at the same time. Should I pick the cello back up? It has been so long since my fingers head an instrument like that. What if my fingers forgot everything?

The day flew by before I knew it. Finishing my To-Do List made me feel accomplished and refreshed, but I still felt like something was not finished yet. Like I was missing something that I forgot to write down. Rechecking my list again and again the words started turning into music notes as they played over the pages. The warm cello sound filled my ears as I floated on clouds of music bars and dancing with the clefs. “I know you miss it mom, I want you to play again…” like out of a dream a beautiful cello, chair, stand and music appeared to my delight. I sat down on the glamorous looking wood chair and picked up the full size cello and all black mother of pearl string bow… My heart racing as my fingers touch the strings. The red mahogany looking wood against the bow gave it this magical feel as I gracefully performed the piece of music on the stand. Completing the piece my heart ached this was the last piece I played before I had put the cello behind me. This is what loss felt like for me. Wiping a tear away from my eyes I feel someone pulling on my shoulder. Lifting my head from the desk Josh and Jason are staring at me in shock. “Mom what happened are you okay? You never cry!” Looking down at my desk there is tears everywhere and my face was damp from where they had fallen. “Oh, Hun I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you Mom is fine I mean it.” Quickly wiping away the evidence of my dream and throwing it to the back of my mind I look to see what time it is and realize I had missed dinner time. They were probably hungry. I ask the crew if they want anything and see the remediates of the dinner they had made for themselves. What big men I had in my house. Smiling to myself I grab some food. Josh and Jason each give me a hug in the kitchen and ask if I am okay again and gradually accept my answer. 

Jonathon walks into the kitchen and leans against the counter. “Hey babe is there something you need?” He smiles at me and puckers up his lips. “Such a dog I see” playfully laughing at his childish request for a kiss. He laughs with me then comes behind and gives me a great big hug and kiss on the cheek. “So you know I love you right?” Oh great not you too. “Okay you are the second person to say this to me today what is going on!! Did I miss something? Did I miss the memo?” Looking around like there’s a hidden camera recording my response. I see there isn’t but looking back at my husband I realize he really means he has to talk to me. “Okay honey what is going on? You are making me nervous.” He sighs, smiles again and comes back for another hug. “I just think it’s time to right a wrong that I did a long time ago.” 

“Honey if you are about to tell me you are leaving me, I am going to start crying again.” He chuckled but then stopped quickly looking at my eyes just realizing the red swelling underneath them. “Why were you crying? Are you okay? What happened? Honey why didn’t you tell me?” I smile and give him a big bear hug. “It was nothing serious promise” raising my hand to do a pinky swear. He smiles again and heaves a big sigh of relief. “Okay well I need you to sit down for this one and no it’s not what you think it is…. Or at least I don’t think you know what I am about to talk to you about.” Chuckling to himself. 

Blankly staring at him, “ready when you are honey.” We walk to the table and sit down in the chairs. He looks down at his hands and my nerves start to get the better of me. “Honey this anticipation is going to drive me out of my chair in a second hurry up and tell me. Please.” Adding the extra was to remind myself to calm down and stop playing in my scenarios that I was unconsciously playing out endlessly.  “I want you to start playing again.” It felt like bricks had hit me and I lost my breath all over again. The bittersweet wave of emotions washed over me as the memories flooded of our arguments over me being away from home and of not being with my children. “I had no right to tell you back then that you couldn’t be a mom and a cellist and its long past time that you pick it back up. I know you cannot get the time back, but I can get you everything else. I made an appointment with the music store that you pass every day with all the strings in it. Not sure what the name is but they know you are coming. I made the appointment for tomorrow. They even have the um… bow, uh music…. Um music too. So all you have to do is go and see which one you like. I got a bonus at work and this will cover everything you need so you don’t have to worry. Okay honey.” Looking into my watering eyes he could see the pain painted across my face. What do I do? 

Looking down at my hands my heart ached but I couldn’t give him the answer. So much time had passed and I was so wore out from the day. “What time is the appointment?” I mustered as much of a voice as I could. He took this as a little piece of hope and cheerfully wrote down the time and that he would send me all the information that I would need; but I knew wouldn’t need it. This was the same place I bought my first cello and the same store my grandmother always took her hammer dulcimer to get repaired at. I knew this store like I knew my own clothes. Has anything changed since I was there last? Will they know me if they saw me? The cellist that gave up a growing profession to be a stay at home mom? The quitter… My chest started hurting as I stood slowly to head to my bedroom. Jonathan looked at me in distraught. I hadn’t given him a confirmation or a thank you when I walked away.  He quickly snapped out of it realizing I didn’t eat my sandwich and ran it to my room. He knocked on the door and found me sitting on the bed staring at the wall. 

“What if I can’t play anymore?” With that my tears came flying down and he dropped the sandwich onto the side table and held me close. I cried for the next two hours in his arms. Each son coming in to bring water and tissues. One brought meds for a cold and sleeping aid. What great men I have in my house. The tears finally started to subside. I could feel my husbands’ breathing start to calm and smooth out as well. His heartbeat becoming a solid force in my corner. “Ems I really am sorry. It was so selfish of me to say those immature things back then. You stepped into the mother role so beautifully that I completely forgot you were anything else before this. Please forgive me. I have been saving this bonus for this exact reason. I could tell you were losing yourself without the music. I just want you to be happy again.” Looking back at the last few years, he was right.  I had been surviving, barely smiling or showing any emotion for anything. So it must have scared everyone when I started crying out of nowhere. “Thank you honey. It’s hard for me to say this but I still miss it. I don’t feel like I am breathing anymore. Like I am always missing something in my life. I am not saying I am unhappy. I just miss the cello.” Kissing my forehead he smoothed the hair out of my crumpled face and hands me my forgotten sandwich. The gesture makes me smile a bit giving him a side kiss him I accept the sandwich and consider what life has in store now. 

The next day we walk into the store hand in hand. I knew I couldn’t do this without him. As if walking into a dream the smell of new instruments hits me like the waves coming in from the sea.

I am finally back.