Memories

It had been years. Years since her memories had been reality, but somehow those memories seemed to grow more real as more time passed each day. It was hardest when she was alone, or when she would have a glass of wine in the evenings to ease the tension of the workday. These situations seemed to give the memories permission to slip out and weave themselves into her thoughts without her acquiescence. When her husband was around, she could easily leave the memories where they belonged, tucked away like the Cosmopolitan magazines full of sex tips and perfume samples that she used to hide under her mattress when she was twelve. Her husband was a good man; he was kind, loyal, and loving, and she had no reason to be unhappy. He had always been supportive to her when she needed it most, and she felt like she could tell him everything, or almost everything. She had enshrined these memories in her mind, and they were not to be shared or discussed with anyone. They had become something that she guarded with the highest security, and she tried her best to bar them from her own stream of consciousness day to day. She had convinced herself that she was happy in her marriage, but when she was alone, no matter how hard she tried, her mind would always slip back to the memories where she would recall that brief stretch of time, the only time in her life, where she had ever been fully, completely in love with someone. 

“Hi,” she typed. Her throat felt tight, and she could feel her heart beating in her fingertips as she hit the send button. Would he respond after all this time? Would he remember who she was? Had he ever thought of her, as she had thought of him throughout the years? If only he would say a few words, any words to soothe her aching memories of him. She had found his profile a few months ago by accident, when the app had the audacity to suggest that they should be friends. On this particular night, after a couple stiff happy hour drinks, her body felt bolder than her mind. She felt like she had nothing to lose and everything to say to him. 

“Hi, how are you?” The simple reply chimed on her phone, and fireworks went off behind her eyes. It was him. He had responded and not only that, but he wanted to know how she was. How was she? What a question to ask after all this time. Her face flushed and she bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling with emotion. “I’m okay…,” she typed back. She paused and hesitated a moment before typing more, pouring out the pain of her still-broken heart into her paragraphs. She explained how hurt she was from what had happened between them all those years ago, how lost she felt with the depth of her own emotions, and how, beyond all logic, she still loved him. Her vision blurred behind tears, she hit the send button again. Now, she thought, it doesn’t matter what he says back to me, at least he knows how I feel. 

She ordered a last drink and waited. But this time, her phone was silent. She could see he had read everything, but there was no response. Great. She downed the last bit of liquid in her tumbler, the ice rushing to meet her teeth with a cold force as she tilted her head back. She stood up, but as she reached to grab her phone from the bar, it chimed. It was as if the chime created an electrical impulse throughout her whole body. Her hands shaking, she opened the reply. “I’m so sorry, I had no idea you felt this way,” the message read. “Can we talk about it?” Her legs, so steady just a moment ago, felt like they were buckling under her and she hurriedly sat down again. “Sure,” she typed.

After that he called her. Hearing his voice again was intoxicating, more so than any of the drinks she had that night. He still had that warm, deep tone that was etched into her memory, and that way of pausing a bit before finishing his sentences. Everything she had wanted to say to him for years bubbled up to the top of her lips, and with her tears, the words flowed out over the airwaves. There was silence at first, as he listened to everything. Then he spoke, “You know, I wish I could take back all the pain I caused you back then. I had no idea I hurt you like this, and I am so sorry.” She felt like a warm light had been shown into the frozen parts of her heart, and the heat was radiating out into all of space. They talked for a while longer, catching up in a way that felt like old friends. They each remembered small, intimate details about one another’s lives, and reveled together for a little while in their rekindled connection. His laugh still sounded like the summer sunshine, and she could almost taste his lips again. Her soul felt lighter than it had in years.

When the phone call was over, she left the bar and headed home. As she walked in the front door, barely even realizing how she had gotten there and dizzy off the thrill of her evening, her husband greeted her and kissed her on the cheek. “I hope you’re hungry, I made pizza tonight,” he said, with a grin. “Thank you, that’s sweet,” she replied, mumbling a bit. “Where did you go after work?” he asked, circling an arm around her waist. “You look really beautiful tonight,” he added softly, brushing her hair gently behind her ear. He gazed at her, taking in her flushed cheeks and bright eyes. “I love you, Melissa,” her husband whispered, as he bent to kiss her neck. “I love you too,” she murmured and realized she felt nothing from the words.