Mary in Ashes

By the time Cousin Nicky got to Lakeview Clubhouse, Annemarie had already decided our mom’s wake was a disaster. She regretted letting Terese bring the food—spaghetti, canned soup, and a wilted salad—and the slideshow on the projector wouldn’t play any music. Now Nicky had shown up two hours late in his new work uniform. 

After ducking his way to our table, Nicky hugged me. “Sorry, I’m late.”

“Interesting choice,” I said.

“What is?” he asked, removing his lab coat.

“The white coat.”

“I came straight from the pharmacy, I forgot—”

“The white coat.”

He searched my face. “Spaghetti sauce?”

“You’re wearing white to my mother’s wake.”

“Oh,” he mouthed, eyeing Annemarie, who was scanning the room for empty seats. “Oh shit.”

“Yeah.”

He cringed. “I just got off work.”

“I’m sure it has nothing to with wanting Great-Aunt Ginny to keep thinking you're a doctor.”

Nicky wrinkled his nose, trying to hide a smirk.

Annemarie cleared her throat and stood, lifting Mom’s urn from our table. “Excuse me,” her voice set off a series of hushes. 

“Maybe she didn’t see,” he whispered.

“Now that everyone’s here,” she said, shooting a quick glare to our cousin, “let’s head to the deck for a toast.”

“Fuck, your sister’s going to kill me.”

“Probably. She’ll be looking for something to do after all this.”

He rolled up the coat and hid it on a chair as the crowd began to trickle onto the clubhouse deck. Annemarie’s kids, Levi, Oliver, and Valerie, bolted from their chairs.

“Hey,” Terese approached us as we started moving. “Who’s doing the eulogy?”

“I am,” Annemarie answered, trying to track her children.

I paused. “I thought I was?”

“No, you haven’t cried yet,” Annemarie said.

“You haven’t?” Terese gawked. “You found her.”

“You’ll choke.”

“I’m fine,” I said. 

Maria Terese was a firstborn without the anxiety. Annemarie was a middle child who handled death poorly, which explained her white-knuckled hold on Mom’s urn. It also explained why her kids had “live” scrambled into their names.

“Ann,” Terese whispered. “Axel wants to release Mom’s ashes.”

I saw Axel smear Alfredo sauce on his glasses earlier.

“We were—”

“It’d be good for him,” Terese said. “He doesn’t get picked for stuff at school.”

“I wouldn’t have guessed that,” I said.

“Thank you, sweetie.” She touched my shoulder with a flat hand. Nicky and I shared a look.

“All the kids can do it,” Annemarie suggested.

“No, you have three. I only have one.”

“Can Nicky be mine?” I asked. 

“Please don’t,” he said under a heavy swig of wine.

“Yours are too young. Axel’s fourteen.”

“I don’t—”

“He’s the oldest grandbaby—”

“Just let him,” I said. “I’m sure he can handle scattering some ashes.”

Annemarie hesitated.

“We only have the clubhouse for another hour—”

“Fine,” she said as we reached the deck’s railing. “Let’s get this over with.”

We faced the collection of our extended family soaking in the golden hour. There were plenty of faces I hadn’t seen in years. I stood between my sisters and gave a thumbs-up to Nicky standing on the side of the crowd. Annemarie’s kids peered through the wooden floorboards pointing at ducks, minnows, and a candy wrapper. Terese waved for a reluctant Axel to come up front.

“Grandma’s gonna be with Grandpa now,” I heard Oliver explain to Valerie.

I shot my eyes at Annemarie. “You told them Dad’s dead?”

“Of course I didn’t,” Annemarie answered, grinding her teeth. “Levi did.”

I tapped my niece’s shoulder. “Hey, Grandpa’s alive, he just lives in Reno.”

Levi shrugged. “Who’s to say?”

“Oh my god,” I said, looking away. I wasn’t supposed to encourage her in front of her mother.

“Axel, come here, please,” Annemarie called out to our nephew, who took slow, tentative steps out of the crowd.

“He was coming up on his own time,” Terese said behind an over-stretched smile as he hid his shoulder behind her side. 

I squeezed Annemarie’s elbow. Both my sisters looked forward. The lakewater lapped loudly beneath us. 

“Hi, everyone. Thank you for being here,” I started. “Annemarie, you did an amazing job planning all this. Mom would be so happy to see us all together in her favorite place. And thank you to my other sister, Maria Terese. You brought food.”

Terese let out a performative sob. Oliver and Valerie caught dried leaves as they blew across the deck.

“All day, I’ve heard stories about how much Mom meant to all of you—as a Leo, I promise she’s watching and enjoying every second. Mom was larger than life: she was an incredible cook, even when she lost a press-on in the chili. She was hilarious, especially when she got angry and mixed up her words. She was so kind in her own way, and she was an amazing mother. Even when she had to do it alone, she was an unstoppable force.”

A trill of birdsong punctuated my breath. A hum of agreement rose from the crowd. 

“It’s funny; the three of us are named after her, but even together I’m not sure we’ll ever fill her shoes the way she did,” I chuckled. “I tried to borrow her black pumps for today and I still haven’t grown into them.” 

When I found her in her bed, I couldn’t get myself to pull the sheet over her face. The furthest I could get was her neck, tucking her in and lying down next to her while we waited for the first responders.

Nicky placed his hand on his chest.

“Our mom wasn’t perfect, and she never tried to be—I think that’s what we all loved most about her. There will never be a day without her on our minds or in our hearts.”

I fought a lump in my throat.

“Let’s keep this short and sweet, just like her. Cheers,” I said. “To Mother Mary.”

The lake sent a cool breeze against my back.

“To Mother Mary,” my family responded and took their sips.

Another silence fell over us. Annemarie pulled the urn closer to her stomach. Levi stared at her mother’s face, studying her agony. 

“I’m sorry,” Annemarie choked, “I don’t know why I’m crying.”

I placed a hand on the urn.

“I can do it,” she whispered.

“Let me help,” I said and peeled our mother from her hands. After years of tug-of-war over Barbies, jeans, and TV remotes—she let go without a fight.

Walking to Nicky, I passed Mom to Terese, who handed her to Axel and sent him shuffling to the railing. 

The wind ruffled his brown hair as he joined Annemarie, whose kids had huddled around her hips. He looked to Terese.

“Release Grandma’s ashes, sweetie,” she called out to him. “I’m so proud of you!”

I took another sip of wine. Axel’s weight shifted in his shoes. He glanced up at a duck flying overhead.

“Into the lake, sweetheart!”

“Mom, I know!”

Without another word, Axel took a deep breath, held our matriarch over the railing, and let go. Our stillness broke with the distinct plunk of the brass urn hitting the water. In the silent aftermath, Nicky spit his wine into his glass and I stifled a laugh. 

Annemarie’s eyes bore into me, churning my stomach, before she filled her lungs and turned to Axel. “You were supposed to scatter her ashes!” her voice shrieked over the buzzing crowd.

I nudged Nicky against the crowd. “Run, run—get your keys out.”

“I need my coat,” he whispered as our second cousin’s husband considered jumping into the water.

“He didn’t know!” Terese shouted.

“Forget the coat!”

“She’s claustrophobic! That was the whole point of the fucking lake!”

“I need it for work!”

Levi, Oliver, and Valerie broke into an enthusiastic chorus of expletives.

“Let’s go!” Nicky took off running for the clubhouse. By the time I caught up, he had the balled-up coat in hand.

“Mariella!” Annemarie’s voice cut through the crowd. 

“Shit!” I ducked behind the chair. 

“Mariella!”

“Under the table!” Nicky held up the tablecloth as I dove between the legs. We crawled into the center and held our breaths, hushing each other as she searched the room for me. It wasn’t our first time running away and hiding from our problems together, but it had been a while since we’d done it by foot.

After the sounds of her high heels receded, Nicky and I finally looked at each other, erupting in a nauseating roar of laughter.

“He dropped it!” Nicky wheezed.

I clutched my sides. Tears clouded my vision.

Nicky fought for breath. “The whole thing!”

“My mom’s in the lake!” My mascara ran into my eyes and onto my cheeks.

I’m unsure when my laughs turned to sobs, but Nicky didn’t waste time pulling me into his shoulder. Mom taught us all how to comfort: back rubs, a tissue, and a plate of food.

After my breathing returned to normal, Nicky offered me the inside of the tablecloth. “Can I grab you some spaghetti?”

“God no,” I said, blowing my nose into the fabric. “Teresa just heated up some canned shit.”

“What brand?”

“Generic.”

“She really went all out.”

I wiped black streaks off my face. 

“In-N-Out?” he offered. “My treat.”

“Yes, please.”

Chaos lingered outside.

“We’re gonna have to run again.”

I nodded. “I’m ready.”