Alright, honey- You can have your divorce...

‘Please stop hurting me.’

‘Er….. Nope.’

Colin punched his ex wife in the nose again for the third time that minute. This time, she vomited. Colin laughed as the sick spilled from her mouth and meshed with the blood that had already soaked the front of her shirt.

‘Hahahaha oooops!’

Colin’s his ex wife passed out.

‘Awwww- And you like that T-shirt as well, don’t you?’

Colin asked his unconscious ex spouse.

‘I know. It’s a good one. ‘Hope sweet hope.’ Clever. How much hope you got now though, darling, hmmmm? Pumpkin?’

Colin’s ex wife’s head slumped lifelessly over her blood and puke covered chest.

‘That’s ok. You don’t have to answer. It was rhetorical anyway. ‘Cause I’m assuming, you have none. Which, given the circumstances, would be wholly accurate.’

Colin moved to the side of the storage unit and pulled out a multipack can of Pespi from his Sainsbury’s ‘bag for life’.

‘I’ve not brought myself a chair.’

He said, as he sat on the concrete floor.

‘That wasn’t very clever of me, was it?’

Colin prized the ring pull off the soda.

‘But then again, I never was very smart, was I? As you so kindly used to remind me. All the fucking time.’

Colin took a swig of Pepsi, exhaled and wiped his mouth.

‘I miles prefer Pespi to Coke. Don’t you?’

No response from his unconscious ex.

‘I don’t know what the big deal is. With Coke. Christmas, innit? I suppose. That drives up the sales? ‘Cause it’s red. Like Santa. Holidays are comin’! Get ‘em hooked on the sugar and drag it out over the year. I dunno. Clearly some people like it. Coke.’

Colin took another swig of his fizzy drink.

‘I mean… I don’t hate it.’

He sang.

‘Colaaaaa- C- o- l- a- Coooola!’

Colin lowered the can.

‘Put a gun to my head, I’d drink it. Obviously. But I’d take Pepsi any day of the week. Given the choice. In the Pepsi challenge.’

Colin stood up from the hard, dusty floor.

‘Like I always say- ‘If it’s good enough for Beyonce- it’s good enough for me!’ The Queen. Queen B.’

Colin brushed off his trousers with his left hand, as he clutched his half drank drink with his right.

‘I can’t drink a full can though. Too sickly. What do I look like to you- ‘A fly?!’

Colin tipped the rest of the carbonated soda over his ex wife’s head, which served two purposes- To cover her in sticky liquid and to wake her up from her temporary coma. She screamed as she came back into the room- Half from the shock and half from the pain.

‘Hi honey! Welcome back.’

Colin greeted his ex spouse.

‘I didn’t miss you.’

Colin threw the now empty can at his ex wife’s head. The can bounced off her bonce and rattled across the floor, as she moaned and wailed, like an animal. Colin had duck taped her to a wooden chair by her thighs and tied her hands behind her back with nylon rope. He’d managed this whilst she was unconscious. There’s no way he could have done it whilst she was awake. His ex wife had very long nails- Talons, almost- She would have scratched his eyes out.

Colin had planned the operation for months, down to the finest detail. He’d hired a van, managed to source some chloroform from the dark web and broke into her house in the middle of the night, whilst she was sleeping. Colin knew where she kept the spare key, so he didn’t have to break any windows or anything. He knew where she kept the spare key, ‘cause that’s where he used to keep the spare key. When he lived there. Before the divorce.

Colin then moved back to his orange carrier bag but this time, instead of a can of Pepsi, he pulled out a pair of wire cutters.

‘Hey, darling?’

Colin waved at his ex wife to get her attention.

‘Hey, baby?’

Colin then clicked his fingers at his disorientated ex spouse.

‘Oi! Look over here, you stupid fucking bitch!’

His ex wife turned to face him.

‘Thanks, love.’

Colin held the wire cutters up clearly, for her to see- Demonstrating their movement and mechanisms, by opening and closing them shut in the air.

‘You seen these before?’

He asked, as he snapped the hand held tool in front of her face.

‘You know what these are?’

She shook her head, as she wriggled in her chair.

‘They’re for cutting wires, sweetheart.’

Colin said, inching nearer and nearer.

‘Or cables.’

Colin crouched down in front of his ex spouse and gently picked up her delicate, size five, bare foot.

‘Or……’

He said, as he tightened his grip, making it impossible for her to move her limb.

‘….. Toes.’

Colin’s ex wife recoiled in horror and whispered.

‘No God no….’

‘Eeny meeny miny moe-‘

‘No please…’

‘Catch the tiger by it’s toe-‘

‘Colin, don’t please- Don’t do this!’

‘If it growls let it go-‘

‘Colin no, I’m begging you don’t- PLEASE!’

‘Eeny meeny miny….’

‘Colin no- Oh God- Oh God no please don’t-

‘Moe!’

‘Argggghhhhhhhhghhghghgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!’

‘Hahahaahahahahahaa!’

Colin held up the freshly manicured, bloody middle toe of his ex wife’s right foot.

‘Oh dear, honey- Look- I’ve ruined your French polish!’

Colin stuck the toe up his nose, for comedic purposes, which tickled him, as his ex thrashed around in agony.

‘You’ve gotta have a laugh, don’t you? Hmmm? Or you’ll cry.’

Colin’s ex wife vomited on herself again.

‘Oh darling, what did you eat?!’

Colin watched his ex slip in and out of consciousness, as the blood pulsated and oozed from the small stump of her recently amputated lower digit.

‘Before bedtime? Hmmmm? Did you have a takeaway or sommat? With him? Hmmm? Together? In front of the telly? Hmmmm? Sucking him off?? He gets the pizza in and you provide the fellatio? It’s a fair trade. I suppose. Pizza whore!!!’

Colin screamed, before he smiled.

‘Well, I hope it was a good blowy- A sloppy one not a toothy one- ‘Cause it was the last he was ever gonna get!’

Colin enthusiastically mimed his throat getting slit, sticking out his tongue and crossing his eyes, making the sound effect and everything- Proper getting’ into it. He then laughed, profusely, as his ex wife shook her head in horrified, muted disbelief. Colin continued-

‘What did you watch, then eh? On the box? I’m a Celebrity get me out of here? Happy Valley? Eastenders? On the catch up? On the B to the B to the C?’

Colin pulled his ex wife’s toe out of his nose and threw it across the room.

‘You’ll have to forgive me, I don’t know what’s on at the moment- I’m quite out of touch. Don’t watch much telly, these days. I prefer plotting murder suicides. These days. Far more satisfying. Much more creative.’

Colin’s ex wife howled, as her profound, physical pain spliced with the deep, emotional pain she felt, at the loss of a loved one.

‘Did you know, that you use more brain cells staring at a blank wall than you do watching the TV? Facts. It’s very bad for you. The telly. A real waste of a precious human life. The average person only has twenty seven thousand, three hundred and seventy five days on this Earth to live, so why would you waste them watching Peaky Blinders? Or Breaking Bad? Hmmm? When you could be doing, oh, anything else!’

Colin’s ex continued to groan, loudly and illegibly.

‘Can I watch this TV series please, Mr television? On the Netflix? Why yes, certainly, Sir- But it’s gonna cost you! Yes, I know- Seven ninety nine a month- I pay my subscription- I know the terms and conditions. No, you fool- A whole human day! Oh, is that all? Why, that’s a bargain at twice the price- I’ve got nothing to live for! Go on, put it on- Put it on my screen immediately, and I’ll get out the family sized bag of cheese flavoured crisps! But, you don’t have a family? Does visceral fat not count? As a family? No…. No it doesn’t. Well then, you’ve got me there! But what are you doing talking to me anyway? You’re just a television- Be quiet! Just do your job and show me the third series of Sex and the City for the fourth time this decade- Post haste! As you wish, Sir.’

Colin shook his head and sighed.

‘The idiot box.’

He then pulled his smart phone out of his trouser pocket and opened up the calculator app.

‘Shall we calculate how many days we got to live? Out of curiosity?’

Colin’s ex wife started to pray, which made Colin laugh again.

‘Absolute classic, darling! Turn to God in your hour of need! Like a prisoner. Or an elder. Well, I hate to break it to you, sugar tits, but the made up man in the sky ain’t gonna do shit for you now, cause all you’ve got to look forward to is the sweet taste of oblivion! You’re welcome.’

He took a grand bow, before he entered the numbers into his calculator and pressed the equals button.

‘Oh wow- That’s not as many as I thought! For you.’

He said, surprised, as he held up the screen to his ex wife.

‘Can you read that, honey? Or are you too blinded by pain to see?’

Colin’s ex wife tried in a futile effort to focus on the smart phone screen.

‘Don’t worry.’

Colin said, as he pulled the screen away from his debilitated ex spouse.

‘I’ll read it for you. It says fourteen thousand, one hundred and eighteen. That’s nowt, is it? What a waste!’

Colin cleared the number from the screen and recalculated his own.

‘Ah, mine’s more than yours, obviously, cause I’m seven years older than you, give or take. Wanna know mine? Hmmm?’

He asked.

‘Not that you give a shit. But I’ll tell you anyway- It’s sixteen thousand, six hundred and twenty two. Absolute bollocks innit?!’

Colin chuckled.

‘The universe is thirteen billion light years old, there or there abouts. So they say. And the Earth four and a half. Billion. So its quite pedantic innit? For us to start splitting hairs over seven poxy years, in the grand scheme of things?’

Colin put his phone back in his pocket.

‘Now, the stoics- They’d say it doesn’t matter at all! How long you live. They’d say- ‘Consider a gadfly, who’s average lifespan is a human day! One fly dies in the morning, another in the late afternoon- How foolish it would be to consider one to have lived a long life and the other a short one!’ Ha! Wisdom if ever I heard it- Wouldn’t you agree? Honey bee? Hmmm? My sweetness and light?’

Colin’s ex wife closed her eyes and began shaking her head, as she started muttering to herself, under her breath.

‘Know much about Stoicism, do you? Hmmmm? They cover Stoicism on Oprah? No?? Shame. ‘Cause it would really fuckin’ help you, right now. Seein’ as the whole philosophy is basically learning to die. Momento Mori! As they say. Something to think about.’

Colin clapped.

‘And speaking of thinking, I thought about this next bit for the longest time…. How I’m going to kill you. Really ruminated on it, I did, in my mind- Hours and hours of free fun!’

Colin did an excited little skip of glee.

‘Wandering round the aisles of B&Q every Sunday- That’s a hardware store, by the way, for all you American readers out there.’

Colin winked at you.

‘It was a very tough decision, in the end. Once I’d whittled it down to the final two options- Between a rock and a hard place, I was- Like Sophie’s choice! Do I go for the pneumatic drill or the hacksaw? Drill into her head or chop off her head? Ahhhh decisions, decisions!’

‘HELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!’

Colin’s ex wife yelled as loud as she could.

‘HELP ME PLEEAASSEEEE SOMEBODYYYYYYYY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEE!!!!!!’

Colin laughed at his ex wife’s desperate pleas to be rescued by the stranger he knew would never come.

‘PLEASE SOMEBODY HELPPPPPP! HELPPPPP ME PLEASE- HELLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!!’

Colin smiled, as he patiently waited for his ex wife to exhaust herself, by screaming.

‘Finished?’

He then asked, calmly, as she finally gave up on calling for salvation and began to sob.

‘There’s nobody here, darling- We’re in the middle of fucking nowhere! I told you- I’ve been planning this for months. I’m hardly going to murder my ex wife in the centre of a bustling metropolis now, am I? Hmmmm? Come on- I’m not a complete fucking moron.’

Colin then drew his ex wife’s attention towards a black duffle bag at the far side of the storage unit.

‘Can you see that, honey pie?’

He asked, pointing at the bag.

‘Sugar plum?’

He clicked his fingers, as she began to doze off again.

‘Oi! Look alive, cunt face- This is the best bit!’

Colin’s ex wife’s head lulled to the side, as her eyes closed.

‘Don’t you dare, you fucking, bitch!’

Colin stormed up to his ex wife and slapped her hard across the face, waking her up instantly.

‘Stay with me, darling.’

Colin asked.

‘We’re almost there, I promise. Won’t be long, then you can sleep for eternity!’

Colin helped his ex wife hold her head up, by lifting her chin and gently stroking her hair, simultaneously.

‘There you go, good girl.’

He said, as she opened her eyes again. Colin then walked back to the bag.

‘Now- For the moment of truth- Can you guess what it is yet?’

Colin said, in the style of Rolf Harris.

‘From the size and shape of the bag?’

Colin moved towards the sports bag, that laid in the corner of the concrete room.

‘I don’t really want to give the game away too soon but if you sussed it, off your own bat, well, I couldn’t argue with that, could I? I’d have to respect your initiative.’

Colin pointed at the bag.

‘Hmmm- Can you tell?’

He asked, as he crouched next to the bag and pulled open the zipper.

‘God no please no please God no please help me please help please help me God please…’

Colin’s ex wife mumbled.

‘No??? Alright then, I’ll show you. It’s……’

Colin put his hand in the long, canvas bag and lingered inside, for suspense, just as a magician would hold his hand inside a top hat, before pulling out the magic rabbit and revealing the miracle mammal to the marvelled masses.

‘……. A drill!!’

Colin proudly pulled the power tool out into the open and enthusiastically pressed the trigger.

Vrrrrrroooooooommmmmm vrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmm

‘Of course!!! For the aesthetic!!! The shape- The noise- How could I not??!!’

Vroom vrooooooooomm Vroooom Vroooooom vrooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmm

‘Hahahahahaaaa spectacular!!! Don’t you think?!?!’

Colin’s ex wife started to scream, like a starving baby.

‘And before you can say anything, yes- It is fully charged!’

Colin rolled his eyes.

‘’Cause I know you think I’m a total fucking retard and you know what, maybe I am, but today- Today’s a very special day. For both of us, I think its fair to say! And so, you don’t have to worry- I’ve got all the bases covered!

Vrrroooom vrrrrrroooooooooommmmmmm vvvrrrrrroooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmm

‘Dotted all the I’s and crossed all the T’s!’

Colin’s ex wife cried uncontrollably.

‘Awwwwww- Are you terrified, honey? Hmmmm? Yes?? Good!!!’

Colin laughed.

‘‘Cause you fuckin’ should be!!!!!’

Colin waved the drill over his ex wife’s head, as she thrashed around, frantically trying to escape from her inescapable situation.

‘They say the eyes are the window to the soul! Well, let’s find out, shall we? Hmmmm? Let’s find out what your soul looks like. If you even have one.’

‘Please don’t do this, Colin- You don’t have to do this- Please!!!’

‘Oh, I know I don’t have to do this, honey- I know that….. But I really fucking want to.’

‘I’m sorry!!!! I’m sorry, Colin- Please!!!’

‘It’s ok, darling- I forgive you. But I’m afraid, my electric friend here doesn’t.’

Vrrrooooooooom vrrrom vroom vrrrrrrooooooooommmmmm

‘Hahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaa!!!!’

‘Please don’t- Please don’t DO THIS, COLIN- PLEASE!’

‘Now, I’m not gonna lie to you, honey- You’re the liar here, not me- This is going to sting.’

Vrooom vrom vroom vrrroooom vrrooooommmmmmmm

‘You ready?’

‘NOOOO PLEASEEEEE NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!’

‘Set!’

Vrooooom vroooooooom vroooooooooooooooom

‘PLEASE- NO- COLIN- DON’T- PLEASE- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!’

‘Brace yourself!’

Vrrrooooom vrooooom vrom vrom vrom vrrooooooooomm

‘GOD PLEASE NO GOD PLEASE GOD NOOOO!!!!!’

Three… Two…. One- And we’re goin’ in!!!!!’

Vrooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

‘Arrgghhhghhhghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghg!!!!!!!!!!!!’

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargggghghhghhghghghghghghghghghghghghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

‘Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’

Vvvvvrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargrgrgrgrgrgrgrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghghghghghghghghghhhh’

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

‘Wooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahhhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!’

Vvvvrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmvrmmmvrmmmvrm

‘Arrrrghhhhhhhhhhefjwehflwheflqiwqlfofollflfofo!!!!!!!!!!!########010101010101-----------------------…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Vrrrrrrrrooooooommmmmmm vrrrooommmm vrrrrmmm vrrr vrrr vr vr vr vrrvrr r r r r r r r r r r r r r

Colin tugged the four by twenty spiral drill bit out of his ex wife’s eye socket, as he lifted his finger off the power button and stood back to observe her fresh, twitching corpse. The blood from her head had sprayed amply from the tool induced cavity in her skull, with full force, like a garden hose, drenching his face, torso and surprisingly, his crotch.

But, another source of surprise, for Colin, was the instant and unexpected grief he felt at the death of his ex wife- For Colin had not expected to mourn at all, and yet, here he was, crying like a child.

And so it was so, that as the salty tears merged on his face, with the warm, crimson blood of the newly departed, he slowly approached the body.

‘Til death do us part……’

Colin whispered, at the side of what once used to be, his beloved betrothed’s young, beautiful face.