What's For Dinner?

Alien: What is that?

Human: It is known as "a baby". A recently-born human being. She is my daughter and I love her dearly.

Alien: It looks delicious.

Human: I'm sorry. Can you please repeat that?

Alien: That "baby" looks delectable and I have not eaten anything for some time now. May I sample the baby? Perhaps with a side of barbecue sauce or maybe some ranch dressing?

Human: No! What are you thinking? That is deplorable! How could you even ask that question? I love her!

Alien: We can share it. I'm not greedy. You can have some too.

Human: She is a She, not an It. Moreover, we do not eat babies. That is considered entirely unacceptable here.

Alien: I am sorry. Please pardon my ignorance of your social customs and norms. Do you maybe have one of those "roast beef sandwiches"? That would be delightful. I like those very much. I'm so hungry.

Human: Unfortunately, I do not. We have no food now.

Alien: Can we go get one of those sandwiches at the "Deli" two blocks over? I like the ones they make with that marble rye bread and Russian dressing. Those are good. Maybe a little "coleslaw" on the side? Maybe some potato chips or Doritos? Those nacho cheese Doritos. I like those very much.

Human: Yes, I very much enjoy those sandwiches and all of that other stuff as well. We could do that but I have no money since you forced me to stay here with you and I lost my job and stopped getting paid.

Alien: That's all right. We can just use my death-ray laser gun. Those sandwiches are so delicious. Let's just use my death-ray laser gun and get some delicious sandwiches, no? Maybe some coleslaw and potato salad and chips or nacho cheese Doritos on the side?

Human: I agree. Those sandwiches are indeed delicious, but it is entirely unacceptable to vaporize those people with your death-ray laser gun here.

Alien: I apologize. I didn't know that. Can we just order some Chinese food? Have it delivered? Maybe some of that Mongolian Beef with fried rice? Not too spicy? Maybe some dumplings and egg rolls? Some of that duck sauce? I love that stuff.

Human: Sure, but how would we pay for it?

Alien: We could just use my death-ray laser gun when the dude gets here. No one will ever know, probably.

Human: I am hungry as well but I think I just told you that this is unacceptable here. Completely unacceptable.

Alien: You told me that it is unacceptable to vaporize the people at the delicious sandwich shop when we are in dire need of sandwiches. Maybe some potato salad on the side. Maybe some chips and soda. You said nothing about Chinese food delivery guys. I have nothing against Chinese dudes. I just need some Mongolian Beef. Spicy but, you know, not too spicy?

Human: I apologize. Allow me to clarify. The usage of your death-ray laser gun on anyone or anything is completely unacceptable here. It would draw unwanted attention.

Alien: Could I not simply eliminate that unwanted attention using my death-ray laser gun?

Human: I feel like we are going in circles here. What the fuck, man?

Alien: Sorry. I'm just hungry. What are we gonna eat, if not the baby?

Human: Well, without money and ruling out the usage of your death-ray laser gun we have limited options. Do you like ramen?

Alien: What is ramen?

Human: It's like...these really cheap packaged noodles.

Alien: That sounds horrific. I think I'm going to that sandwich shop with my death-ray laser gun. What do you want on your roast beef sandwich? You want chips? A pickle? It's all on me.

Human: I don't think you are hearing the central message here. The main thing is that you cannot just randomly use your death-ray laser gun for trivial purposes.

Alien: Sustenance is trivial?

Human: No. That is not what I am saying. I’m just saying that we cannot commit random acts of mass murder for delicious roast beef sandwiches.

Alien: I am so hungry.

Human: Me too. We have not eaten in three days. We have to figure this out. I think ramen noodles are our best option right now.

Alien: Ramen noodles sound...unpromising. I need proteins.

Human: I understand, but without money we cannot purchase any food. I really don't have any other suggestions at this time.

Alien: We can just use my death-ray laser gun.

Human: I think we have already covered the ground rules for usage of the death-ray laser gun.

Alien: Yes, but we have reached an impasse here. What will we eat?

Human: I don't know. Maybe some ramen? You want some ramen?

Alien: I say we eat the delicious baby. Ramen sounds disgusting. No proteins.

Human: That is my baby daughter and that is completely and totally unacceptable.

Alien: I'm sorry. I'm just really hungry.

Human: Me too.

Alien: So what should we do?

Human: Well, there is a new and extremely pretentious and overpriced French restaurant over on Market Street that has been refusing service to any customers who do not meet their dress protocols and skin color standards. The owner is a convicted sexual offender.

Alien: Yeah, but how will we pay?

Human: Just bring your death-ray laser gun. It is acceptable.

Alien: This is very confusing, but okay. Do they serve Duck a l'Orange? I'm really in the mood for some duck a L'Orange. I like risotto too. Do they serve risotto? With mushrooms?

Human: That sounds delightful. I believe they do. Let me just grab my keys. Just look after the baby for a minute. Actually, never mind. I will just take her with me. Just wait here for a minute.

Alien: Sure thing, bro. I will just charge up my death-ray laser gun. Delicious-looking baby, by the way. You must be so proud.

Human: Can you please stop ruminating on the deliciousness of my baby?

Alien: Sure. Right after dinner.

Human: Okay. I'll be right back. Charge up that death-ray laser gun.

THE END