I Never Thought I Needed you.

'I can't do this' I sobbed as I looked in the mirror, blood ran down my arms and onto the white ceramic of the sink staining it red. A discarded kitchen knife lay on the floor where I threw it against the wall. The image in the mirror showed me how pathetic I really was; waist long black hair was greasy from days of being unwashed, tears coming from dull lifeless green eyes laid tracks through dirt covered pale skin, teeth covered in a gross yellow film from not being brushed. The cuts in the pale skin weren't deep enough to hit anything important. I didn't want to die, I wanted to hurt, to feel something different, a different type of pain then going through the motion of the everyday manatutus. 

I washed my arms, hissing slightly at the stinging the warm water caused and carefully dried them, dabbing instead of wiping so the towl wouldn’t catch on the edge of the cuts. When my arms were dry I wrapped them with gauze and tape ‘You deserve this you know’ the voice spoke when I was almost done. Shaking my head paused “No just go away” it came out like a whisper ‘No one needs you, no one WANTS you’ A sob past my lips as I squeezed the cuts hissings at the sensation, blood started to soak the bandage. That’s how my days went. Curled up in bed until I couldn't take my hair and I dragged myself into the shower wondering why it took so long to get in, it felt so good to be under the warm spray of the water. Sobbing on the bathroom floor as red dripped down my arms and onto the floor. Not eating cause what’s the point no one will notice or care. 

Looking around my apartment with disdain late one night around 1 in the morning and feeling restless, I threw on blue jeans and a black hoodie, throwing my hair up into a ponytail,  sliding on some overused black slippers, I stepped out of the house for the first time in a couple weeks. 

Walking was what I did when I needed to do something other than hurt it helped clear my mind when things were too much.

 I walked until my feet ached and I didn't really know where I was. I turned a corner and walked to the gas station that was there planning on asking where it was I was at. When i got closer i noticed as sign saying ‘Free Kittens’ leaning on a big box with mew’s coming from it, wondering closer i looked down and saw 3 kittens still in there; 2 were short haired and white with patches of brown and copper spots and the last one which was smaller than the other 2 looked like a Maine coon kitten, just a tiny dark grey and white striped puffball. The kitten look up at me and stomped over to the edge of the box screaming at me it made me smile for the first time in a month i smiled “Hi baby Kitty” the other kittens were busy wrestling as i gently picked up the screaming kitten once i had the small fluff ball i held it close and pet it gently behind the ears it purred then screamed at me batting my checking lightly “I know” i chuckled then looking at the tiny kitten and at the box i nodded once and Kitten still in hand walked into the store. I grabbed some kitten stuff; potty pads, kitten food, etc. and went to the counter. The guy there smiled “ do you need a box to put him in for the night so he’s not going potty places he shouldn't?” I cocked an eyebrow “I’m the owner of the kittens technically that one there is the last Maine coon in the litter right?” I nodded “that’s the runt he’s a boy” I nodded and scratched the kitten's head as it was curled up by my neck. “Sure i’ll take the box” He nodded and went into the back he came back a while later with a longer box with shorter sides “ this is the only normal box we have left” I shrugged “it’s okay” he rung me up and gave me everything and told me where this store was located which was about 2 miles from my apartment. I walked home keeping the kitten on my shoulder as best i could he was meowing loudly probably scared being away from the rest of his siblings “it’s okay baby boy shhhh” I cooed I stopped to comfort the scared creature an tucked him closer to my neck. Getting home I got a better look at the tiny cat he was a literal puffball i set him on my hand and he curled in on himself resulting in him being only half my hand i cooed “Tiny baby” I kissed his head feeling his dirty fur on my face I scrunched up my nose “Bath time for you Tiny” i went to the kitchen and grabbed the dawn it had a picture of a duckling covered in oil being cleaned so it should be okay to use on a dirty kitten. I brought him to the bathroom sink. Speaking sweetly to him like a baby as i plugged the sink and filled it a little only about an inch of warm water I gently placed him in and he freak out a little “hey hey now calm down” i pet him head and kept him there “it’s okay Mamma’s here” i got him all wet and washed him the water turned a gross brown color. I dried him off and held him like a baby kissing his nose, padding out to the living room where I placed everything for him. I placed him on the couch and got his box ready for him to go in. 

The next day when I woke up I felt a light pressure on my chest. My eyes cracked open, looked down and the kitten had somehow crawled out of his box and onto my bed to sleep with me. My eyes welled with tears ‘He wanted to sleep with me?’ i reached up and gently pet the kittens head, it purr and stretched “Hey sleepy are you hungry” he looked at me with big eyes and mew i chuckled and sat up keeping him on my chest “Alright let's get you something to eat” I went to the kitchen and got his food ready and smiled when he scarfed it down. ‘He needs me’ I thought as i watched him ‘without me here he couldn’t get his food or anything like that’ I smiled his face was a mess when he was done “oh baby you’re messy” I grabbed a rag and wet it under the faucet before wiping his face down much to his displeasure. 

A week has passed and I haven’t used my kitchen knives for anything other than cooking, I can't hurt myself when he’s here. He keeps me grounded, he keeps me focused , He’s something I didn't know I needed, he’s something I didn't know I even wanted. He takes care of me so I can take care of time, all this happened because I went for a walk late one night.