Catharsis

The clouds were glued to one another. Stuck; filtering the woods a smokey and smooth grey. Chilly winds blew unsteadily; the aftermath from the night before’s wicked thunderstorm. A glimmer of hope streamed down a small crack of two unglued clouds, creating a stick of yellow light. It smelled of pre-rain. Slightly sweet and earthy. My arms were crossed in front of my bare breasts. Even alone I was afraid of someone seeing me naked. I picked up my anxious feet ‘till I reached the tip of land before the water. The lake bounced from soft ripples, refracting the light between them. 

“Addeline,” - A soft, womanly voice.

I looked around and saw nothing. It wasn't the first time I've heard my name called into nothingness. So, I chalked it up to be just that. Nothing. My arms removed from my chest, I bent down and stuck my index finger in the water to test. Not bad. My arms to the side, I separated my goose-bumped chest and cracked my stiff upper back. I leaned in and saw my face back to me. Warped: my forehead split, one side taller than the other, one cheek spread farther than the other, moving in and out with the green-tinted water. I avoided my stomach. Still, I loved seeing myself so imperfect— couldn't do a damn thing about it, and it was a relief I didn't have to.

“Addeline!” - A little more forceful than before.

I froze in place.

    ​“Uh, hello?” I asked, covering my chest.

I looked to the pale sky which offered no answer. Huh, I must really be losing my mind. I sunk my legs into the water, then my hips, my breasts. Two seconds and I was engulfed up to my shoulders. It felt like a hug. All the water particles were there for a single purpose: to wrap me up. I lowered my head letting any breath I was holding in, out. The water created bubbles that tickled my nostrils. I shot back up decorated with dead leaves that stuck to my shoulders and arms. I didn't mind them. My face itched from droplets spiraling the curls of my hair, down my forehead, to the tip of my cold nose, and back to its home.

    ​“Step into the light,” the voice demanded.

    ​“Who’s there?”

The stick of light had expanded to a tunnel. I hadn’tnoticed. But the voice was so familiar. I couldn't tell if it was someone playing a trick on me, or if I reached peak delusion.

    ​“Do you want warmth, Addeline?”​

    ​Warmth? From an anonymous voice? Clinical. I doremember figuring that it could be interesting. Something to write about. Two years passed without completing my novel.One year since Caleb and I moved here. I was at the lake tograsp some sort of inspiration to take back in my journal. The naked part was just something I wanted to do. At least once. 

Reluctantly, my legs sloshed to the right of me. The second the light grazed my skin, the water bubbled up. The temperature rose. ah ah ah. I turned into my boiling body, and knee-jumped, stiffly out of the light. My feet tingled ‘till they reached their normal temperature.

    ​“Warmth?! You tried to cook me!”

    ​“It's all in your head. Go back,” the voice replied.

My face was hot, I was still very naked, and I was still veryvulnerable. What is this voice? Where is it coming from? What does it want? The list went on. Fuck it. I lunged— attempted to lunge, towards the light above. The damned water bogged me down like I forgot I was in it. The veins in my palms pulsated where my nails dug crescents. Defeated, I tip-toed towards the glow. The water did not bubble. No, but once I reached it, the light expanded and turned the dark muddy lake into a more translucent green. The light exposure grew bright, then brighter,forcing my eyes shut. Darkness. How?

    ​“Hello?”

I heard nothing back. Not even crickets.

    ​“Did you… leave?”

Dead air.

I don’t know how to express the grunt/yell combo I let out. But oh, I was pissed! I shook back into reality, out of the lake, to my things. Towel. Sundress. Inspiration journal. Phone. Three messages from Caleb. Shit. 10:17 pm? I slipped on my Berks, tossed my sundress over my damp body, wrapped my towel over me like a shawl, and made my way back. Mmm windy nights make me feel alive. Another eight or ten minutes passed before I met the front porch of our isolated house. All the lights were off.Caleb hadn't waited up for me. Good for him, he needs more sleep.

I turned the knob and creaked my way inside. The door was always unlocked. The house was quiet and cavernous. The hum of the cold AC unit crawled my spine. Cold rooms do not make me feel alive. My shoulders tensed. I was wet and gross. Naturally, I took a paranoid shower. After, I made my way upstairs and tossed on an oversized t-shirt. “Imagine” imprintedin glossy lavender box letters. Very vague. I inched into bed with courtesy for Caleb, but he remained in place like a boulder. “Maybe tomorrow,” I whispered, with confidence that I wouldn’t wake him. A party couldn’t wake him. Still kind ofhoped he’d hear it though.

My thoughts crashed into one another, having importance matches— cutting each other off. In my darkened blindness, my arm reached in search of my nightstand drawer. My palmslapped crumpled up ideas, tangled cords, and stolen pens, ‘till they found my nearly empty bottle of Tylenol PM capsules. I swallowed three of them dry. My body... my thoughts…descended into deep, sunken… 

Dreamless, I woke up to an empty bed joined with clunking sounds coming from downstairs. Dark roast coffee faintly caught my nose midst yawn. Do you want warmth, Addeline?kept ringing in vague echoes. I needed a distraction. I reached for my inspo journal and tried to recount yesterday’s event.

Dear me,

I am delusional.

That was my only explanation for it. The voice was my own, and it didn't exist. But the boiling water? I couldn't wrap my head around it all. When I thought about it too hard, Irecreated the scorching sensation. It made my toes curl. It all felt so cursed, but I don’t know what for.

“What time you get back?” Caleb asked as he entered theroom door. He carried a coffee mug in his hands, his love language. His entrance surprised me. I’d forgotten I existed. I jumped a little, remembering I was me. Yes. Addeline. 

    ​“Tenish?” I responded.

    ​“Didn’t text back,” he instigated while handing me themug, probably unimpressed at my slouched attempt of sitting up against the headboard. “I um…met this lady down by the lake… I might’ve gotten some inspo,” I said. He readjusted his dumb watch. “Alright,” he responded. Stared at the dull lamp.

    ​“I did!”

“Okay. See you, Addy.”

    ​“So soon?” I replied, scrunching my face.

He flung his North Face bag over his shoulder, clipped his name tag on the pocket of his blue scrubs, down the stairs, and out the front door. 

Alone again.

I looked to the big wall-like window. It let in some valueless, colorless light. Back in the city, our window was laughably smaller, but I could see and hear bustling sounds andother humans getting somewhere. Real movement. I loved it. Allthe money I didn’t have was spent on thrift store knick-knacks and warm twinkly lights. My favorite find was a huge burnt orange and cream rug. Surprisingly, we found it at the Grand Bazaar. Very serendipitous. An absolute gem.

Our best days were spent in our tiny, but cozy studio apartment. How could it not be? We owned about six different throw blankets. I bet if I sprawled them all out, they would cover the surface area of the studio. I owe my bad posture to hunching over my MacBook ‘till ungodly hours of the night. The milky glow from the moon would faintly spill in when she was full. My crispy, blue-lighted eyes only separated from my screen, to admire how perfectly rugged Caleb looked focusing on something to do with Bio med. A ring of medical books, color-coded sticky notes, and a sea of notebook paper surrounded him. He looked as if he was taking part in a séance. 

“Do you think Lily would use the word “surplus”?” Iasked.

“Too sciency. Not wispy enough for Lily,” he responded.

“Ooh look at you using ‘wispy’. What question are you on now?”

This window only showed what seemed to be miles and miles and miles of Yellow and Sand Pine trees. Fucking Florida, you never know what you're gonna get. When we showed Mom and Pops the first ultrasound, mine gave us a, “Woohoo!” and promised to fly out for the shower. Caleb’s wanted us to move onto one of their properties. He was so happy. Filled with it.This house was in the middle of the South Florida woods. “Morework for you here anyhow,” Caleb’s Pops’ defense of Florida, as he helped unload the moving van. His pops had a point. If Floridians know how to do something well, it’s probably dying.Something about the state made it feel like the last stop. You’re either vacationing or dying here. Not the perfect pool for my inspiration.

So, I didn’t bother decorating. The décor stayed in lonely moving boxes that lived in the half-painted room we planned for the nursery. Like permanent tenants. Our registry packages stayed there too. I never saw them—the packages. I think Caleb would run out and get them from the porch so I wouldn’t have to look at them. I couldn’t go in that room at all. Caleb only did when I needed something. At least, I think. I did think It waseasier for him anyways. I mean, he didn’t process things—or anything for that matter, as I did. Do.

I stared at the coffee mug ‘till I realized I was. It didn’t mean anything. It felt heavy on my wrists as I took a sip.Lukewarm. Bitter. He forgot the cinnamon. I set the mug down on the nightstand. I meant to spend the day writing. I really did.Instead, I drowned back into my white sheets, swallowed myself in them, and fell asleep.

My dreams:

…. Recurring dream of Grandma on pink sailboat to the Bahamas—

Samantha.

An elementary school​frenemy ​​​​​      comes to visit She calls me a liar. Not my house though. 

The feeling of it at least—                 ​​​​​​​    

? —  ​​​​​​​​Orange, magenta, an

d indigo and yellow and turquoise ​​             Tie-dye spirals—

The Bottom of a

mountain. ​​​

Caleb and me. ​He climbs like 

a superhero could.

He       

climbs,​hovering over creases of the mountain.​

His ​​​​​​elastic limbs, molding to his benefit.​​​​ I rub my bumped belly 

​ top,​​​​​​​​​​          He 

reaches the  

“Climb up.”

I do, with less ease. Caleb looks proud. Honey eyes turncharcoal. Wrapping arms aro und me and pushing us off the mountain—

***

“Addy? Addy. Sleeping all day?” He shook my body with his arm. 

    ​“No,” I mumbly replied.

“Coffee still on the nightstand… Slept all day. Iseverything good?

“Yeah?”

    ​“Getting really comfortable.”

Comfortable?

“Oh?”

My arms instinctively crossed. I kicked the sheets off my half-slept body and walked my toes to the tip of his black sneakers. Chin up. I glared at his. Everything in me wanted to push him. This isn’t me. Physically pushing wasn’t right. I gripped my arms tighter. Comfortable? Mentally I could’ve pushed him over the line, or edge, or something. Something or any emotional response would have been nice, really.

“Comfortable? Look at me,” I begged. “Look at me and say it.” My stinging nose didn’t wait for his response. Small. Water took over my burning eyes. Whatever he said, if anything, was white noise. My feet percussed against the cold hardwood floors ‘till they hit outside pavement. My vision tunneled. I ran and ran and ran. My mind craved external movement. “It” was supposed to give that to me. Run. “It” would be alive in it. Do you want warmth, Addeline? God, the house became a vessel for echoes once “It” was gone. Dead in me. I stopped, my feet just inches from the lake. I realized I hadn’t eaten all day. Everything, the pines, the unkempt weeds, the lake: swirled, melting brown intogreen, into grey.

Breathless, I yelled at the sky:

“Come back! Hello? Come back. Come back come back come back…”

Nausea dropped me to the ground. My hands gripped grassas I hyperventilated the suffocating humidity. Rolls of thunder sounded from a distance, intensifying the heartbeat that pulsatedthe back of my jaw.  

“Addeline, it happened to you…It is real.”

The voice felt so big, it echoed inside me. I burst. My flooded eyes soaked my grass-clenched fist and the surrounding soil. I kept there; dizzy, shaky shoulders pressed up, burning palms, watering the foliage around me.

“Addy?”

Caleb. He sounded like he found me dead. I didn’t have any strength to look. His footsteps crinkled crunchy leaves around me. He laid down on the grass with his chest right under mine. I collapsed down. My tears ink-stained his blue scrubs. The thunder drew closer. 

“What can I fix? Addy?” his chest hummed, while he traced his fingers through my scalp and limp hair; soothing, yet out of place. I stumbled to sit up as I wiped my soaked face onto my Imagine t-shirt. Tears trickled down my neck and into the crew. A necklace of wet cotton clung to my upper chest. I took it off, teetered up to the lake, and jumped in. No hesitation. My body curled unto itself in the warm water. My heart managedsome relief. My raw feet felt a medicinal cool. I thought about my baby. I hoped she once felt the same comfort in me as I had within the dead leaves and muddied water. My baby.

The lake rippled from a splash. Caleb stood before me, fully clothed, rib deep in water, with a look of existential surprise on his face. Perfect idiot. I didn’t have the answer for him. I didn’t think anything could be fixed. I had one thing I’ve always tried for, always looked to, when I had no concrete answer. 

“Tomorrow,” I said, grabbing hold of his hands. “Maybe,we can start there.” My lips formed shape, attempting a smile. “Maybe tomorrow,” he said, nodding back to me. Full smile. I watched his shoulders softly cave in. He began to cry; I think tears of catharsis. Release. Raindrops pattered with the surface of the lake. He wrapped his arms around me. The drops streamed down my shoulders to my bare back. I couldn't tell which ones belonged to the sky and which ones belonged to Caleb. We held each other there ‘till our arms could have fallen off.