A Letter to Polaris

Staring at the waves as it smashed against the hull like an angry stampede of water horses, In between wind and water I had awoken from a half asleep state but not really, lately I felt like I have woken up without even sleeping, not for days. I was on board a passenger vessel Saint Francis on my way to Mindanao an Island in the Philippines, almost two whole days' journey but I prefer this over plane after all I am a sailor, but not this time, this time a passenger. 

 Everything has been laid out for me like a drawn course on a navigational chart, I have never deviated not once and now I made it but still I am as empty as the deep blue void beneath the keel of this mighty vessel, I have been on a course of pre-planned success all my life and now that I’m here I don't even know if it was all worth it, I’m half awake again. 

 “Sir, is everything alright?” a young crew asked, probably one of the cadets, I saw my old self in the young man, full of hope and life.

“Yes, carry on, cadet.” I said forgetting that I am no more a mate but a passenger, he walked away and faded into the darkness of the aft deck.

 On a ship it’s never quiet from the rushing waves to the breeze and the mechanisms that run it, I guess that’s why I like travelling by sea so I won’t have to be alone in my own thoughts, even in the cabins its not remotely quiet, from loud laughter, low murmurs and the children crying or playing. 

I don’t know how many times I have been walking from forward to aft looking at the sea and stars above, I see Orion, Ursa major and minor and also the North star Polaris, as a sailor I know my stars, knowing where they are above can reveal your true position on earth, if only I had a sextant in my hand but I don’t want to disrupt the crew of their duties and they might think I’m a know-at-all passenger, the stars were more visible in the aft part where there were less light and therefore less people, just a couple of teenagers smoking, despite a huge sign that says NO SMOKING, I didn’t care much, I could smell their smoke from where I was but I was used to mates who are smokers and there was a lot, stress from being far away from your family takes a great toll on you, some mates would hand me one but I didn’t accept, they would think its a joke but I always say “Because my mother said no.” they would laugh hard like sailors do. In the aft I could smell the fumes from the funnel but I didn't mind, again I am used to it. 

Sometimes I still refuse that this is the reality now, that this is the truth, my body and mind can’t seem to decide if I am awake or asleep, more than once I wish that this has all been a bad dream and that I can see her again and hold her, tell her that I made it as an Officer.

“When you're a mate, treat me somewhere nice.” she said jokingly.

“But I always treat you.” I said laughing and kissed her in the head like I always do, like I always do..

I have known for a long time that I was not really Ma’s and Pa’s real son, I was adopted, we have sat down and talked about it as soon as I could read and write, at the time I didn’t really know the weight or the importance of that fact, in my young mind they were my parents and that was all there is to it, blood has nothing to do with bond. 

Pa gave me a letter from her with an address towards where I’m headed and one for me, I haven’t read either but I have a faint idea of what’s the contents, the truth of my origin, where and how they had found me, and who my real parents where my real blood relatives that for some reason abandoned me as a baby. 

It was time, I had to read it, I went to my cabin in silence no one was around because it was dinner time at 0700hrs, hands trembling for some reason. Maybe the reason is that I haven't really slept for days, only eyes closed but not asleep, not really.

To my dearest,

I have loved you more than anyone else besides your pa, take care of him for me, I know it’s hard but my time has come and I know that you can make your own way through this world without me, I am very proud of you and I’m sorry that when you finally reached your goals I am no longer there with you and I missed that treat you promised.

“But I always treat you.” I said in a very low whisper.

I stopped for a while and realized that my dried eyes were welling and it hurt a bit, my heart sank, everything hurts inside and out, her passing destroyed a vital cog on my mechanism as a person and I will never be the same.

I could have written more and you know I would write you a book of letters but my strength eludes me and I can only say this, the other letter contains your original birth certificate before it was changed when we took you in, we owe this to you for all the joy you have gave me and your father, we are very proud of you although your father can be stiff as a stick sometimes, he is very proud of you.

I love you always and forever, 

Ma.

I folded the letter once more and kissed it and gently tucked it back into the envelope like it's the only treasure I have on this earth and honestly it is, no riches and money can make me let go of this precious piece of paper.

I went back to the aft deck where the stars were more visible and the ocean seemed to light up as well. I was now not half awake but completely, also I'm at the point of exhaustion where I could just lay down on the cold deck and sleep. The second letter was in my hand, I didn’t notice until the railings almost hit me, I grabbed the cold metal bar and looked at the stars once more, this must be the only decision I made solely on my own, although I didn’t know if its the right one, I guess it’s the whole point that’s why it’s hard to make decisions. 

 The letter of truth was no longer mine but it was already for the star in the north the ever so true Polaris.