My miserable road

It had been twenty-four years since she’d last seen it, but the place looked exactly the same, she collected herself and knocked humbly at her mother’s door not sure whether they are still living there or they had moved. A little girl came to attend the knock and she told her to come in and wait for her mother whom she said was taking a bath. A portrait that was hanging on the wall showed her that yes it was the correct house but she eagerly waiting to know whether her parents had managed to have other children. For the first time she felt the feeling of wanting her own child.

Worly

I had never had this feeling before maybe I was too busy to notice that I had grown older. When the mother came I realized that her face was familiar and I was surprised when she said she knew me very well and she had been married to my father and they had 2kids a boy and a girl. She also mentioned that my mother had passed away due to stress when my father had married a second wife. Just knowing that I no longer have a mother touched my heart so much. That means if I wanted to stay there I had to abide with stepmother’s rules. Even though I cried, the feeling of knowing that it was my fault, also I was not able to ask for forgiveness was worse than all the pain I thought I had experience.

When my father came in the evening, he was not even bothered by y visit, he only told me that my new mother was going to set the rules she like and if I feel uncomfortable with that I had to excuse myself and find a comfortable place to live in. this time I was now sure that my father was no longer that man who used to be so caring. Even the treatment he gives to his daughter was different from that of the boy, maybe I had left a mark on his heart which was going to affect his attitude towards a girl child. So I was supposed to mend what I had broken. In this new house, I was supposed to go to their church every Friday and Sunday. At first it was very weird spending the whole day at church. I would be forced to attend prayer sessions where healing and deliverance was held. Also smoking was strictly prohibited at home if you want to have a meal that day. This was a quick and easy way to quit smoking since I was not allowed and also I was now not able to find money to buy the cigarettes.

Since my mother was no longer there, I knew how hard out there was so I had to mend my ways if I wanted to achieve something in my life. Time flies and it had marked a year since a prodigal daughter came back home. Staying with my step mother was not that hard as to what I had imagined. We ended up getting along and I never caused any trouble during my stay with them. As I was now a ‘madzimai’ also I met this boy during one of our annual conferences. He seemed to be a good man but whenever I thought of my past, I felt like I was not qualified to get true love again in my life. Remembering that I used to be a night rider, who never chose which type to take or not, everyone was welcomed as long as you have the after service payment, haunted me so much. I always felt dirty and I did not know how I was going to erase those memories. What made me to be afraid most was the fact that people may judge me and this obviously was going to ruin my self-esteem as well as triggering depression. Even discussing my past with anyone was still a problem, I never felt at easy with that. I even tried to do counselling sessions at our church but it seemed as if nothing fruitful was coming out of it.

What I noted was that if you do not first forgive yourself, no matter which counselling you get, you will not be able to

My name is Worly and I was the only one in my family. My mother had complications when he conceived me and she did not conceive again. We lived in a compound at a certain farm in Chegutu. My father was a worker at the farm. As a small family life was not too hard for us, my parents managed to put food on the table for us daily unlike other families we saw at the farm. Being the only child resulted in me ending up being a spoiled brat. Anything that I asked for, my parents would struggle to make sure that I get it. As you know life in a compound is different from other villages or suburbs. In a compound gossip, suspicion, show off, favoritism and competition are the key characteristics which make up the compound. Due to the fact that many families will be living in a small space together lack of information and misinformation is encountered mostly. Groups are also common in a compound. All these factors contribute greatly in shaping ones behavior or attitude towards life. What we see or encounter daily will determine what we will do in our life. Our ethical, moral, cultural, religious, political and social considerations are shaped by the environment we lived in. for one to consider religion as important you must be living in an environment where people consider religion as of great importance in their lives.

We were much concerned with buying colorful clothes and shoes and having the most powerful sound system so that when you are playing music every other system will be silenced. If I say education was an important factor to me I would be lying. Yes they were other children who were making it in the academic field but to the group that I belonged to we did not worry about that. Our group was called the clean six which consisted of 6 girls whom were concerned about cleanliness. Fashion was our number one priority and the rest will come later. In school we were beyond being dull in school infect all of the clean six group members. In every end of term we will be at the bottom of the class with the poorest results and we would make sure that we will not go to school on the closing day. Being the only child, my parents had great expectations from me and I was taking a road that was opposite from the one they thought was right for me. I didn’t want to associate myself with anything that has to do with learning, I was afraid of failure. This fear hold me back for a long time until I decided to drop out at school when I finished my grade seven. I did not even attempt to go and collect my results.

I had been introduced to drinking and smoking and I was now taking all kinds of illegal drugs and life was moving well. If you are engaged in drug abuse at a tender age when you are not find your own money or you do not go to work the possibility that you are going to engage in theft or prostitution. I had to buy my drugs on daily basis so at first I would go home and look for money everywhere in my mother’s house and took all their savings. Every time I did not find money I would take even a television or blankets so that I would fulfill my selfish needs. I tried by all means to hustle using other means but I failed and the only quick money I could get was from engaging in prostitution in order to survive. I needed food, wise waters as well as drugs daily so I had to act fast. So being a night nurse was the only way out.

Because of my age I did not see the effects of the road I had chosen, I even forgot about my parents and I had vowed not to go back to their home because every time I went there they will always tell me about stopping and that bothers me. I didn’t see the reason why they were so concerned about my life yet it was moving the way I wanted it to. We were living in a small room which was near the biggest bar in Chegutu. Since we did not have properties the room was enough to accommodate 5 people. All the 5 girls I lived with were also night ladies and me being the youngest made me feel like I had achieved a lot in my life. What I realized is most men love young girls, I had many clients and the money I made was more than others although Sis Shadhe who was our group leader she was the one who was in charge of finances. Our duty was only to provide the service and she would take care of the finances. Just because I was very young, the profession I had chosen seemed to be more fruitful. Being the girl of the moment was the greatest moment of my life little did I know that the African proverb which says ‘’rotten met is loved by flies’’ will be true one day. Sister Shadhe made sure that we get one or two clothes every month so that the business will keep on blooming. This made me to forget completely about home, all I needed was in Chegutu. Who would want to go back home to those boring lectures. My parent were so old fashioned, they did not realize that life is too short so you have to enjoy.

Time passed by and I was now 35. The problem with my job is that the older you get, sales start to decrease. Juniors will be coming and you will be phased out. The competition will be very tough and most clients prefer younger people therefore you will be forced to reduce the price in order to get one. As my value depreciated, Sister Shadhe also told me to find a new place to stay as she wanted to recruit other new recruits who would bring more money to her. This marked the end of the good living at Sister Shadhe’s house. Going back home and correct every wrong move that I had made was all that mattered now.