Of Shattered shards And Shattered Souls

Trigger Warning : Bullying, Negative thoughts.

( A sort of stream of consciousness of a fictional character.)

A single shard of a broken mirror reflected her tear-streaked face, also reflecting her broken heart. It felt heavier with each tear drop slowly seeping upon the cuts on her cheeks; its irritant burning dulled against the searing cuts etched upon her soul. “You are ugly!” “Ewww! Why can’t you at least put some make up on?” “Your face scares me.” she pressed her hands to her ears trying so hard to block out these words that her mind spews out at her. She was tired. Tired of listening to these words that people make at her mocking her appearance; and of listening to her own brain repeating them to her every time she looks at a mirror. This makes another cut appear on her face burning two times more painfully than the previous ones. A curse that she was born with.

For her scars go two ways. Both literally and metaphorically.

When she feels sad something pricks inside her slowly clawing through until a void is created. It grows, like a huge dark slimy monster taking up all the space in her heart; reaching up to her face to create the big red cuts. They heal immediately but the scars never heal.    

 Scars. Scars make her appear ugly to the outside world. Some are vocal about it; they call her names and give her labels. “Bullies”, they are called. There are others. They just stare and stare as though she is a living avocado with octopus tentacles. Actually, the stares hurt more. There is also a third group those that whisper. And wait... there are also some who pity her. Sympathy. That hurts a thousand times more.  

She isn’t supposed to care about all that. She should shut it all out and stay strong. Like she always has been. But sometimes even the strongest fall. Stop. She told herself. Ellowyn don’t feel. But she could not stop. More wounds appeared feeling like whips against her face.

The emotions that are bottled up are the more dangerous ones. When I’m here breaking mirrors crying and wallowing in self-pity, the world is happy. Everyone else is happy. Except me. I AM A LOSER. She hated it. She hated everyone and everything. She loathed herself. Her scars. She remembered every bad thing that had happened to her. One time at school Sharon made her fall in a cafe. And a guy who she once liked had asked her out only so he could fulfill a dare in a game of truth or dare. He was dared to go on a date with the ugliest girl in class. Coffee was spilled on her uniform once, there was a day when she had worn light makeup a girl, she thought was a friend of her mocked her. “Who are you trying to impress Ellowyn?” She had asked in the sweetest tone possible. It’s Sean, isn’t it? Although Ellowyn would never admit, her ‘friend’ was right. “Don’t feel bad honey, she said but as your friend I would say don’t even try. You know he would never like someone like you.”  Someone like you. That sentence was salt in her wounds. She could feel another wound stabbing through her heart and scratching her face with another cut that faded to a scar.  It was true. Even she had crushes because she was human. She wanted a person to share a piece of her soul with. Someone who would love her unconditionally. Love, she knew love was a beautiful feeling she had read about love in so many of the novels, seen the beauty of it through movies but that was where it ended. The real world was cruel. Reality was not like any story. No one would ever look at her. Then there was another time when she had been pushed down. They laughed when she fell; her self-confidence fell with her. That was awful.   And yet today, when she was asked to hang out with the “cool kids” she had agreed. ‘I am a fool’ she thought, now that she was alone locked in a room with shattered glass pieces. But at that moment that was all she had wished for. Because she was lonely, she wanted to fit in like everyone else. They were all so beautiful so bold and confident very much opposite to what she was. She was insecure, she felt like a stone at a side; unnoticed, invisible. She wanted to be them. That evening after school everyone decided they would do an adventurous trek up the hill behind the school. To her surprise they invited her too. She couldn’t see their sugar-coated words. Their malice.       

She never went to a single party. She was never even invited to one and she did not care. Or... maybe she did. Not caring was a shield.  She had pushed all her desires down the deepest ends of her heart. That was the only way she could accept the fact that no one liked her.  

Today however her shield had crumbled. She had agreed to go with them. May be the clouded sky had clouded her mind too. She walked right into a trap. They had somehow managed to lock her inside a dingy abandoned cottage on the hill top behind her school. No one would know. The space was small. All that it had was a small couch, A mirror that she had shattered in frustration. And a small window with tattered curtains. The curtains swayed, obeying the howling wind.  Ellowyn was done crying now. Now it was time to try and get out.  But before that, A miracle happened. The hair on her neck stood up when she heard a voice. “I can get you out” A woman’s voice spoke behind her. She turned aggressively fear creeping up in her spine. she turned, and it was indeed a woman standing right behind her. was she a ghost? A hallucination? Ellowyn wasn’t aware. “I can get you out.” She spoke again, her voice was soothing. “Who are you?” Ellowyn blurted in fear.  “who I am is not important.” She said. Her words were soothing and ellowyn stood stunned. As though in a trance. “Your curse has ended. You will no longer feel the cuts. You will no longer let anyone walk over you. “Accept yourself” she said. “Accept who you are. Accept yourself” The voice resonated in her mind radiating sheer power. It strengthened her. Now she was truly strong. “I accept myself.” She found herself repeating. The cottage faded the woman faded.  Everything swirled. She swirled spinning endlessly in a void.

Then she fell. Falling and falling and falling. When she awoke, she was on her bed? No tears no cuts. There was no woman, No cottage. Was it all a dream? No. It was all true. She was bullied. She walked over to her mirror. It reflected her face. Still scarred. But the scars were light. She no longer felt pain. No longer hated herself. These were her battle scars. And she knew now that She was indeed strong. She will not break. She will stand back up even when she falls.