The Breakup

That’s the thing about this city. It’s too noisy. From the moment that I wake up and bathe under the stinging water coming out of the showerhead, I can hear the flushing of the toilet above me and the sound of water falling through the shower drain. I get out of the shower and dress up in front of my mirror stuck to my cardboard and I can hear the thumping above me. I have no idea what it is. It’s probably the neighbour’s boy playing football. I stare at myself, my hands slowly doing the buttons on my long-sleeved shirt, one by one. It feels like an eternity and in the end, I realise my shirt is one button short. I unbutton it yet again and try to focus on it as much as I can.

My mind feels hammered and my chest feels tight. I know this feeling. This feeling of worry and anger and sadness combined. Her face appears in my mind and her name repeats and repeats. Bella, Bella, Bella. I can hear myself saying sorry and sorry again.

I get out of my house, keys jingling against each other and I rush to the lift, frantically pushing the button. I look at my watch and god, am I late. I can almost hear my boss lecturing me about how I’m irresponsible and how she might fire me but then she never does anything in the end. The elevator finally comes and I’m pushing those buttons again when suddenly, I hear a ring. I take out my handphone and there it is. The bookstore is closed today. Turns out the boss’s daughter died. I slump back and I’m wondering whether I should message her but I don’t have the right words.

Too lazy to open my door, I walk out to the street and cars are blaring at each other, some dude is playing the saxophone and singing some jazz song. I walk past him while memories of Bella peirce my mind. She used to love jazz and we would go down to the bar where there would be some jazz players jamming on drums. We stared at them, mesmerized by these beautiful mess of musical notes. Her hands slowly wrapped in my fingers and slowly, I stared at her and we kissed. But, everything became a mess. These beautiful mess that was us could not last. Shouting and shouting. Annoyed at the saxophone, I rush down the street but it just becomes worse. Side to side, I can see disgusting couples holding hands, smooching and smooching, skipping on this drenched pavement. My heart beats and I’m sweating as I crush my pockets in frustration.

I put my hand out and a taxi comes by. It’s your typical uncle with this blue polo shirt and he asks me where I want to go. The park, I reply. I sit back against the leather seat and just as I feel a sense of relief, these uncle starts playing some radio. A woman says how much she loves her boyfriend and I can’t help but think about Bella. Why did she leave me? Did I not love her that much? Did I not go down and hug her when she was sad? A couple of places zoom past by. A pizza place. The cinema. A restaurant. My heart can’t stop aching. We used do that. Go to the restaurant and eat spaghetti. She had the most beautiful smile but it faded. I’d ask her if something was wrong and if she want to talk about but she’d keep quiet. It would agitate me and we would get into another argument.

The taxi reaches and I leave my crumpled 10 dollars on the cup holder. I slam the door and I trudge across the pavement. It could not have gotten worse but needless to say, it did. Screaming kids who moan and parents who can’t seem to shut up. I walk briskly but my legs feel like steel. In the distance, there’s a table and there’s 2 old men who sitting and playing chess. Suddenly, one of the old men leave. Finally, a chair. For my poor butt. I saunter down and sit at the chair. I stare at his face and strangely, there’s a kind of peace in his face but I’m hesitant to say anything. After all, he’s a stranger and I don’t really think he wants me to tell my life story to him.

“Your move”, the old man gently says to me.

I make a move but now, there’s some peace and all I can think about is Bella.

“Is something bothering you, young man?”, the old man gently says to me, “You’ve barely moved.”

“It’s okay”, I say.

“You know, if you keep pain deep inside yourself, it will slowly consume you until you are paralysed. However, if you would like to keep your pain private, I understand. Sometimes, we need time to think and process our pain alone .”

I look down at the chess pieces for a short time and I push my chair.

“Thank you…”, I whisper to the man before I walk to the beach.

Everything slows down as the sun slowly sets down and people leave the park. I’m left alone with myself as I lied down on the sand of the beach, staring at the pink clouds in the light violet sky. I run my hands against the sand and grains of sand pass through my fingers. Waves crash against the shore and I can see the lights from the big ships in the distance glistens against the seabed.

I honestly thought we would be together for the longest time but maybe, I was a jerk. Maybe.

I messaged her but she didn’t reply. I wish everything was different but, nothing is the same and I guess that’s okay.

The waves crash against the shore and I can’t help feeling a sense of relief just breathing the beautiful air of the sea.