Fragmented

Mom–the woman in the hospital bed finished her stories. Every part of me wished that they were fictional. But, it seemed that every fictional story was grounded in some truth.

“Elijah,” the woman began, “you have to understand that I did it for you, to protect you. I love you, Elijah.”

I gained back a little of my voice. “No,” I whispered. The woman’s face broke at that word. “No, you-you’re lying. But-but—” A sob broke my words. The woman shook her head. Tears appeared in her eyes. “You killed them?” I asked. Nothing was making sense. She was my mom. She had to be. She needed to be. 

“You…lied to me…all my life?” Emotions were building up inside of me that I had never felt before. I found my way to my feet. My balance was shaky.

“Elijah, you have to understand—” she tried to say.

“No, no, no.” I backed away from her, from all her lies. This can’t be real, I thought. What’s real; what’s fake? She…she can’t be serious. This… My face contorted. I screamed, “You’re a liar!”

I ran out of the door. Doctor Garcia moved for me to pass. I didn’t know what exactly the bedridden woman was lying about; I didn’t want to think about it. Her cries reached me, though. They forced their way into my head. She was calling for me to come back, to give her another chance to explain. No, there’s nothing to explain, I told myself, trying to block out the sound. This isn’t real. This is another illusion. It's just a dream, a nightmare. The halls I ran through felt real. I could hear my heavy footsteps. I could feel the hard floor against the soles of my feet. 

Somehow, I managed to find the stairwell and make it to the ground floor. Tears blurred my vision. The lobby was full for some reason. I pushed past people. They yelped and shouted at me as I tore through them. I didn’t care.

Outside, large clouds had come to darken the day; the trees of the forest made it even darker. Blindly, I ran through them. I ran hard, crying. I couldn’t see where I was going.

When my mind caught up with my body, I found myself on the ground sitting on my butt. I raked my hands through my hair and screamed. My face and throat hurt. Burning hot tears streamed down my cheeks. I beat at the ground and clawed at the soil. Wake up! I began yelling in my head. This had to be another illusion from before. I hit my head with my hands. Wake up, wake up, wake up! There was no way that my mother was dead. She was there, she had been right there. I had found her and she was safe. I was fine. Everything was fine. Everything had to be fine.

“Wake up!” I shrieked out loud. The world wasn’t melting away. “Wake up! This isn’t real!” My lungs hurt. This is fake, it’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real. She’s safe, she’s fine. Your mom’s fine, Elijah. Wake up. Wake up!

“You’re lying!” I shouted. There was no one around me. I was screaming at myself, at the nightmare I had imagined. “This is all fake! She’s fine. Don’t lie to me!” A thought occurred to me. I was on my feet now. I marched around the clearing, searching for a sign that the world would dissolve away into sand. “This isn’t funny. Let me out! I know that this isn’t real. You can’t do this. You can’t show me a lesson like this. Let me out!” I punched a tree with the strength that I could muster, which wasn’t a lot. My tears stopped falling in torrents. My body felt weak. “This is cruel. It’s not real. I know it’s not real. She’s my mom. She-she has to be. She cared for me, and-and loved me, and kept me safe, and fed me, and gave me clothes, and comforted me, and told me bedtime stories, and took me to school…” I was falling apart. 

“Help…help!” I didn’t know who I was calling for; I simply knew I needed someone. I needed someone. To lie to me and tell me that everything was going to be fine. To tell me the truth and help me get out of here. I didn’t care. I needed someone. 

But, I was alone. No one was coming for me; no one was going to help me. “This has to be fake. Please, wake up. I can’t do this. I…I can’t handle this.”

No one responded. The forest was silent save for the chirping of birds and the rustling of leaves. There was no one here. I was talking to myself in the real world.

“But…” I began with my throat tightening, “if this is real…” 

I fell to my knees and bent over, my forehead touching the dirt. I held my head. Every part of my body was simultaneously in pain and numb. An internal cold was setting in. The insides of my body were already frozen. They felt brittle. My heart hammered in my chest. “NOOOO!!!” I screamed. The commotion sent birds off into the air in a flurry of caws and hoots. When everything died down again, I fell onto my side. A special type of tiredness fell over me. It was one that made me not want to move any part of my body. It settled into every part and crevice of me, every corner of my being. 

I…

I woke up in the same place I had fallen asleep in. My body was stiff and dirt was caked on to one side of my face. I pushed myself into a sitting position. Blinking, I looked at my surroundings. The trees around me had bent; thinner ones had snapped. There was a shallow crater circling me, too. The sky, though, was wonderful. All the clouds from early had moved elsewhere. There was a full moon tonight, and bright stars accompanied it.

“This is the point someone comes, right?” I asked no one. My throat was sore and it hurt to speak. I wiped the dirt off me as best as I could. “This is the point where you rely on someone, else, right, Elijah?” I tilted my head up to look at the sky. The starry blanket was captivating. “Why?” I asked them. They didn’t respond, unfortunately. It would have been nice for some deity to descend from the moon and tell me what to do. 

She…cared for me, right? I asked myself. She did everything a real mother would do. But, then, why do I feel…like everything else is… I couldn’t complete the thought. I wasn’t sure at all what I was thinking, what I was feeling. This was different than discovering I was a Bonder. I should’ve felt this earlier, in a separate situation. When Dad… I gulped. When…David, Mr. Williams…when he died, I powered through it because she was still there. I did it because I thought that if I stayed together, I could save my mother.

“Did I fail?” I asked aloud. I wasn’t even sure if it should be a question. “I…didn’t save my mother, but I…saved the woman who impersonated her for seventeen years after killing my actual mother—oh, God, fuck.” I hid my face behind my hands. Keep it together, I urged myself. I wasn’t sure why I was trying to stop myself from crying. Keep it together. You have to be strong. This isn't real. This isn't real.

I broke.