Internet dating after 50 – DON’T DO IT!

In life I’ve been told many times that I need to be more POSITIVE about things, like winning the lottery, meeting that right someone special anywhere, etc., etc., etc. My usual comeback is that I am positive: positive that I won’t win the lottery, positive that in general, meeting the love of your life through an internet ad or dating service is preposterous and so on and so forth, ad infinitum. I’m here to tell you today that nothing of my most recent experience has done anything to move the needle of my thought-o-meter even a pip.

I decided maybe it was time to get back out there into the shark tank called the dating pool and see if anything had changed since my last foray some 4 years ago. Unfortunately for those of you hopeful fools, of which I count myself, nothing has changed and perhaps, it may have gotten worse. More of the “me” generation has fallen into this group and are out there, looking for their “soul-mates”, however, all I’ve seen them doing is polluting the water of the shark tank and not bringing along their own chlorine to help keep it clean after they’re done swimming.

Here is the ad that I answered on-line and began chatting with some three weeks ago – 

************************************************************

LOOKING FOR A DOWN TO EARTH COUNTRY TYPE GUY – swf, 49-ish, brunette, blue, average-sized, fresh-faced country gal. Love to chat and cuddle, looking for same. Not looking to jump right into bed, but maybe we can get there after a few two-steps. Very laid back, more of a homebody but I like to go out for fun walks in small towns, county fairs, and nice landscapes. Love the water, boats, and lighthouses. Contact me via email @ XXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Hope to hear from someone soon as Valentine’s Day is coming up in about a month and it would be nice to have someone to share it with, even just as friends.

************************************************************

Sounded like just about everything I’ve ever wanted. Same age range, laid-back, she likes walking and exploring and being a lighthouse freak myself, well, I just couldn’t pass this one up. So I sent off an email to her and our contact began. We’ve been chatting back and forth a couple of times a day for the last three weeks. Up until now, I hadn’t told anyone as I didn’t want to get my hopes up and really didn’t want to stoke the fire under my Mom (she’d give anything to see myself and my sister in relationships).

We agreed to meet today, Valentine’s Day 2016 at the Caribou Coffee on the corner of Larpenter and Rice streets in St. Paul, just a stone’s throw away from one of my favorite places in the entire world, Wilebski’s Blues Saloon. I know that the neighborhood is really not that good, but it is a central crossroads, so it was easy to get to and have been through this before, I let her pick the location so that she could feel at ease (home-field advantage). It was a benefit for me that I’ve been to that location before so I wasn’t surprised by the 6 police cars working a group of young toughs in an adjoining parking lot, like I said it’s a rougher neighborhood. 

I had high hopes in planning this meeting that if all went well, we could move on to a nice walk at the Como Zoo Arboretum – indoor, warm, lots of exotic smells and sounds and I’ll admit it, kind of romantic. Let’s just say, we never got there.

Our meeting was set for 2p, so in my usual style, I arrived at 1:45p, got inside and found a very nice table by the fireplace (really wish some of these locations had REAL fireplaces, but that is neither here nor there), ordered a bottle of water and waited. I knew that we would get coffees once she got there.

2p rolls around and there haven’t been any additions to the population yet, so I sit comfortably by the fire, reading the sports section. I’m wearing my black shirt and red tie as I told her I would so she could recognize me (not that trying to spot a 350lb guy in a black shirt, red tie, looking as if he’s waiting for someone is really hard to notice, but hey, it’s Valentine’s Day, there could be more than one of me. She told me I could recognize her in a red top and a small rose behind her left ear. I hadn’t searched around the place when I’d arrived, so I started looking around and there was one lady, in a red top, with a small white rose behind her left ear, but she did not look average-sized, fresh-faced or brunette.

Now I’m not one who generally carps about looks, let’s face it, I’m a behemoth at 6’2”, 350lbs and size 14EEE feet. I’ve never thought of myself as handsome, far from it, I’m about as average as you get, so I’m not one to judge when people tell me what they look like until they show and are nothing close to what they purported themselves to be.

The lady who fit parts of the description was about as close to my weight as I am, her hair was almost like a rainbow-colored clowns wig without all the curls, and as for being “fresh-faced”, I was expecting someone who used very little makeup, that is what fresh-faced has always meant to me. To say she was pale would be an understatement to the color white. If any of you have seen the Hunger Games, her facial makeup most closely resembled that of Effie Trinket – WHOA!

Still, I was not getting my track shoes on yet, I had come here to meet another person, and I would honor my commitment come hell or high water. She spotted me and mouthed out, “Are you, Todd?” To which I assented a yes. She got up and came over as did two other ladies who settled into a nearby table. I didn’t think anything about that other than maybe they also wanted to be by the fireplace. Again on this day, I was mistaken. She had not only chosen the home field advantage of this Caribou location but had brought reinforcements in the form of her sister and her mother. I began to sweat as I was running scenarios in my mind as to what she had told them about me and why they would be there for this first face-to-face meeting. 

Over the next half-hour, yes that’s right sports fans, next half-hour, I would find out much more about the internet dating game than I ever wanted or needed to know and may well scar me for life.

She introduced herself as Louise (her online name was Waterlily), mine was Todd, go figure. Now that we are face to face and she’s not very much as she described, her credibility has taken a major hit. She told me that I was exactly as I had told her I was. Big surprise as I have nothing to hide, people will find out when they meet me. I’ve never understood why some people feel the need to operate this way as once the walls fall, everyone knows the truth. Just start there and at least there are no obvious signs of retreat required or necessary. I opened by complimenting her hair as I truly had never met with someone that had 12 different colors in their hair at the same time. She lashed out demanding to know what I meant by that. Now I’m on my heels, playing defense. I told her that the ad said she was a brunette and that this dramatic statement was different and interesting in a good way. She settled down and then turned to her mother and sister and snidely told them, “I told you it looked good.” (secretly, I was thinking more of the clown thing, especially with the uber white face, red eyeliner, and blood-red lipstick, but I held my tongue, still hoping to get out of here alive.) Her Mom spat back at her, “He’s just being nice!’ Great family dynamic playing out before my eyes. Her sister also tossed out a comment about her looking like she belonged in a circus. 

Louise went on the attack, instructing me to defend her against her Mom and sister, to which I simply stated that I didn’t feel my presence was needed in a family discussion. It went from bad to worse and kept disintegrating to the point, one half-hour in, that I had to stop their family infighting to excuse myself, say goodbye, and wish her luck in finding Mr. Right. As I was leaving I overheard her yelling at her family that they probably just cost her a real chance at happiness by chasing me off. I can truly say that the family didn’t help, but anything between Louise and myself was pretty much done after the first accusing attack and the lack of credibility in presenting herself as who she was, not who she thought possible suitors might want to meet.

There are some portions between the initial attacks and my excusing myself to return to the land of the normal that I have left out, mostly due to the fact that not only do I not believe that they happened, but I’m quite sure that unless this was an episode of the Twilight Zone, that any of you would believe them. 

Here’s my last statement on this – DON’T GO THE ONLINE DATING ROUTE – IT TRULY IS THE HIGHWAY TO HELL – Angus, take us out . . .