Do you see me?

I slip through the train doors just as they are about to close. Relief floods through me, I just made it in time. I go in search for an empty seat, one that is close but not too close. I don’t want him to notice that I am watching him, yet. Not that he would recognise me, he has no idea who I am but I know everything about him. He isn’t in the first carriage but I spot him in the second, sitting by himself on the right-hand side, so I sit on the left-hand side one row back. Lucky for me, it was empty. I watch him out of the corner of my eye, so subtle that he would never notice I was watching. He settles in for the long train ride, he takes out the book that he purchased last Thursday at 11am at the book shop on the corner of Main Street and Third. I would know, I was watching, I am always watching. It started two months ago, he moved into the building next to mine and my bedroom window looked directly into his apartment. I became obsessed the first moment I laid eyes on him and I haven’t stopped watching since, I watch him every moment of the day, I know everything about him. He never closes his blinds, so he makes it so easy for me. I know his every move, I know his schedule, I have given up everything just to be able to watch him at all times. I also settle in for the train ride, I pull out my new book which I purchased last Thursday at approximately 11.05am. I also pull out a packet of salt and vinegar chips, which just happen to be his favourite, he eats them every Friday afternoon. It just happens to be that today is a Friday and it is the afternoon. He opens his book and turns to the first page; I do the same. I start reading my book, I make sure to match him, page for page. I am highly aware of every move, every twitch and every breath that he takes. We have been reading for an hour when he stops and pulls out a packet of salt and vinegar chips that he purchased yesterday at 5pm, he opens them at the exact moment I open mine, which I just happened to purchase yesterday at 5.05pm. The noise of my chips opening attracts his attention and he turns to look my way, then I am staring at crystal clear blue eyes that look exactly like mine, I could stare into them for hours, they take my breath away. He smiles that smile that I would know anywhere and is just about to say something to me, I hold my breath in anticipation, I have been waiting for him to notice me when we are cruely interrupted. A mouse of a girl has asked to sit next to him, I am furious, he doesn’t even look back at me. How can our first moment mean so little to him. How did he not feel the bond when our eyes met? They are talking and laughing together, he shares his beloved chips with her. My anger shimmers, turning into full blown rage. Who is this girl? She is an absolute no-body, she looks so plain and boring, why is he laughing with her? It should be me! I watch him intently, not even caring if he notices me, which he doesn’t, he is too fixated on her to even notice anybody else. I am so mad, I could kill. I start to day dream ways I could dispose of her and get back to our moment. Before her, I imagined that he would have started a conversation about our love of salt and vinegar chips or the fact that we were reading the exact same book. He would have invited me to sit next to him, we would have discussed our opinions on the book, we would have laughed, we would have flirted. He would have become obsessed with me, just like I am obsessed with him. We would have had our happily ever after, but no it had to be interrupted by this girl. She could have sat anywhere, why next to him, why today? I don’t understand what is happening, how did this moment spin so entirely out of my control? I am always in control. She has said something so hilarious to him that he throws his head back and bellows out laughing. That laugh is so beautiful. I see the way he is now looking at her, like he is falling in love. He is meant to look at me that way, he is mine after all. She starts to get up, I hear her say something about needing to use the bathroom. This is my chance, I may not get another, he needs to fall in love with me, not her. He is mine. The anger is building and building. I am so angry I could kill someone. She moves past me, her handbag bumping into me, which she squeaks out an apology for. I clench my fists; she makes my blood boil. I count to ten in my head before following her. I am so angry I could kill someone; I could kill her. So that is exactly what I will do. I would do anything for him. She enters the bathroom and I wait for her to finish. I hear the toilet flush and I prepare myself. I wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans and look around. No-one is around, no-one will notice. Just as she is about to open the door, I rush in. It is time to end this, he will be mine. As my big hands wrap easily around her delicate neck, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my crystal-clear blue eyes are shining, my beard hides my smile of satisfaction. I am happy. It is time to finish this, he will be mine.