In the Dark

Please be forewarned of sensitive content regarding mental health and violence that some may find triggering.

In the Dark

ONE

Black. “...yyyyyyyy.” It buzzed inside me. “...nyyyyyy.” Darkness began to give way. “...nyyyyyy,” the noise reverberated within the expanse. And in that moment, between the hum of my name being called and the hazy depths from which I surfaced, everything changed.  

My eyes opened wide and instantly I tried to lift my head. I blinked deliberately as though, if my eyes might focus, the simple action of coming back to consciousness might make everything in my life more clear. “Bunny,” the sound came through the fuzz. “Bunny, thank God. Oh Bunny. You’re okay,” he sighed in relief. “Don’t get up yet. Stay down,” the voice commanded. Fear gave way to confusion. My mouth moved, muscles contracted to form a sound. What finally emerged from my mouth was nothing more than an escaping groan. I didn’t so much tilt my head as I allowed it to move toward the vibrating depths of his voice, slowly, as a plant turns its leaves to the sun. I looked into the amber eyes above me that peered back with genuine concern and felt the depth of my obsession. The same obsession I had curled into many nights, searching for warmth in the frigidity of his absence.

I finally managed to mutter, my voice weak, “Wha… What am I doing here?” I pulled my arm up against the cold tile of the floor to touch the pounding ache at the back of my head. “Bunny. You’ve had a fall. Now just take it easy. You cracked your head pretty good,” he said trying to hide the shakiness in his voice. “You scared the shit outta me this time, Bunny,” he admonished letting out a breath he had been holding so deep that I could feel the heat of it burst across my face when he finally released it. Immediately, I wished I had breathed it in, only to have something of him inside me once more. I was still staring into his eyes, confusion smeared across my face like a messy child, and he held my gaze for longer than a person should. He broke contact then, which naturally caused me to shift my body toward him, my need for him unrelenting, even in that moment. “Let’s get you up,” he said firmly, any hint of fear undetectable now. “Mmm,” burbled from my mouth softly.  

As his arms slid under my frame, lifting me to him, questions began spilling into my mind. Is this a dream? What’s going on? Where am I? My only anchor was him. But as he held me close, I couldn’t help but be calmed by his familiar earthy scent and the warmth that radiated off of his body. Tears began to well up in my eyes, and despite my humiliation at this, they spilled down my face. I turned to press my embarrassment into his chest, hoping he wouldn’t see. The tenderness with which he laid me down reminded me of a mother with her newborn. “That must have hurt,” he murmured softly and I felt the roughness of the pad of his thumb dragging across my cheeks as he wiped the wetness away. “I think we need to get you to the Emergency Room,” he said compassionately, but I could already see his thoughts shifting from me. “Rest,” he ordered as he walked away, presumably to gather his phone and keys, and I felt a chill run through me and I couldn’t determine if it was caused by his absence or the slowly descending knowledge that I had no idea where I was.

“How…” the sound of my voice trailed off as I realized I shouldn’t allow him to know of my confusion. I started to shiver. I could account for nothing, except that I was with Joshua. Joshua who I loved more than anyone or anything in the world. Joshua who consumed me. Joshua who I could never let go. Joshua who hadn’t returned my messages in months. My head felt as if it might explode. And the ache from before had grown into a mighty pounding. I heard him rustling at a distance as his voice faintly spoke, “Yeah. I need to take her to the ER. No, I don't know what she was doing here...again. The episodes keep getting worse. The sleepwalking...she fell on the tile and cracked her head this morning...” his voice trailed off. And then, suddenly, with no noise or fanfare, I was overtaken by the darkness once more.

TWO

I awoke with a jolt, my eyes snapping open like a rubber band pulled taut. I could see nothing. I reached out across the expanse of the bed searching desperately for him. In the blackness I sat up, ripped covers back, as if he would appear hidden under the blankets. Panicking, I reached for the lamp. Surely he would be illuminated beside me. I had somehow missed him…not reached far enough. But, as my fingers fumbled shakily on the switch, and brightness exposed the emptiness of the room, my heart sank. I was back home, in my bed, in my house, thoroughly alone.  

I moved my tongue around my mouth, trying to eschew the copper taste that seeped in and reached for the phone, pressing the texts button. Captioned under his name was my last message to him. “I miss you so much. I wish you were here. Please…” still went unanswered. I gently touched the back of my head. No pain. Nothing. And back to nothingness everything went. I know exactly where I was, who I was, and what had happened to make him exile himself from me. The emptiness burned inside me and I choked on his absence.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Bleak. Gray. Cold. An incomprehensible amount of time went by and I continued to mourn the loss of him once more, with only my familiar anguish to keep me company. My life had turned to black and white. There was no happiness, no pleasure, no contentment or satisfaction. My messages to him became more frequent, the urgency of them leaving me more and more raw. But all of my pathetic pleas were sent out into the void where they floundered and shriveled from neglect. Powerlessness overcame me. There was nothing I could do to provoke a response from him. And as my desperation grew, so did his icy silence. Weeks upon weeks of emptiness heaped themselves upon each other, pushing me farther from him. But, my need burned bright and I lashed myself to it as if it were my only means of survival. I could no more forget him than I could quit breathing, or blinking, or stop my heart from beating. I had no desire left for anything but to be something to him. My detachment from my life had been mounting and I could no longer tell if this life was real. I had begun doubting my own existence and I wondered constantly if this wasn’t just some parallel universe to how everything was supposed to be.

THREE

And then, with no warning, I awoke one morning to see the rays of sunshine streaming through the cracks in the curtains. And in the same moment my heart lifted, I felt the brush of fingertips run the length of my thigh. I breathed in deeply before opening my eyes, trying to hold this moment of calm inside me. Lips pressed softly to my shoulder. I smiled to myself. Finally, I had awoken from the terrible nightmare of his absence.  

I rolled over to greet him, but my gaze, instead of falling on his countenance, looked squarely into the eyes of someone else. I jerked back hard, a reflex, my heart pounding such that I thought it might explode, fear wild in my eyes. His cool blue eyes scrunched up, “Babe?” he said shrilly with alarm. “Honey, you’re scaring me.” I flung myself off the edge of the bed and pressed my back hard into the wall of curtains. I had begun shaking noticeably, and shifted my weight rhythmically from one foot to the other.  

“It’s okay,” he said reassuringly, “You just had a nightmare. You kept calling out for someone…Joshua, Joshua.” “Noooooooo!” I shrieked. “No, no, no! Stop! Where is he? Who are YOU?” I shouted. “Honey, don’t be ridiculous,” he spoke squarely, his voice teetering between concern and irritation. I reached my hand up to my mouth to stifle the scream that was surfacing, when I felt the cold strip of metal touch upon my lips, and noticed in horror the ring upon my hand. I turned my head to take in the room, everything moving slowly leaving tracers. “I don’t understand…” the words trembled as they exited my mouth. The man, the imposter let loose a sigh and said dishearteningly, “Your night terrors are getting worse.” I froze. Night terrors. As the words echoed in my mind, he spoke again, “Come sit down. I’m going to call Dr. Wexler.” And I sat, bewildered, unable to discern if any of this was real, and closed my eyes and let the darkness take me.

FOUR

Thud, thud, thud. A rhythmic pounding woke me. Thud, thud, thud. “Mrs. Mercer,” a voice distantly called out. As I came to, I realized someone was at the door. I staggered out of bed and made my way down the hall. Thud, thud, thud, thud. “Mrs. Mercer, please open the door,” the voice called out. I flung the door open, blinking hard at the brightness of the light that accosted me. A tall, thin woman stared down at me. She was accompanied by a police officer. “Ummm. Is everything okay? Did something happen?” I managed to ask, feeling my grogginess begin to give way to concern. “Mrs. Mercer, I need you to come with us,” the woman stated. “Who are you? What’s going on?” I asked confusedly. “I’m Dr. Wexler,” she stated matter of factly. “You’ve been coming to see me for therapy for the past three years, ever since…” her words trailed off.  

“Ma’am,” the officer piped up, “can you get your shoes, I need you to come down to the station to answer some questions.” “Excuse me?” escaped my lips. I had never seen this Dr. Wexler before in my life. What in the actual fuck was going on? “Can someone please tell me what this is about?” I asked without a hint of calmness in my voice. I looked back and forth between them, her face pinched with anxiety and his staring me down with authority. “I’m not going anywhere with anyone until someone tells me what the hell is going on here,” I yelled aggressively. “Let’s just calm down,” Dr. Wexler cooed, but the officer was having none of it. “Last night, Joshua Jones was found murdered in his house. We received a call this morning from Dr. Wexler which led us to find him. Dr. Wexler said she had a message from you in the night that was concerning and she was worried for his safety. When officers went to Mr. Jones’ home to check on him, they found his corpse. So, you can either come down to the station willingly to answer some questions, or I can cuff you and charge you with murder.” The hum at the base of my skull got louder and I succumbed to the darkness.

FIVE

When I came to I found myself fully dressed, sitting upright, quite alert in what appeared to be Dr. Wexler’s office. She was mid sentence, “...and so it was three months after the breakup…of silence from Joshua…that the night terrors began?” she questioned. I opened my mouth to speak, unsure of what I was about to say but the silence hung there. Dr. Wexler glanced down at some paperwork, flipping through papers and asked pointedly, “How old were you when you became aware of the sleepwalking?” “Is he okay?” I asked. Dr. Wexler looked up. “Who?” she queried. “Oh, you mean Joshua?” she asked confused, “I wouldn’t know, did something happen to him? This is only our first appointment after all.” My heart began racing. Then black.

SIX

I awaken to an ache in my shoulder. My god this bed is wretched I think, and then realize I’m on some sort of old dilapidated bunk bed. It is dimly lit, but I scan my surroundings. Quickly I notice the bars. Is this a cell? Am I in a cell? Have I been locked up? I can feel the familiar humming in my head and panic rising up inside of me. I anticipate the darkness and wait for it to take over. But, nothing happens. I squeeze my eyes shut and hold my breath. Please. Please. But emptiness doesn’t descend upon me. I am here. And I scream.

SEVEN

I decided not to leave my cell today, and as a result I overhear a conversation between two guards. “She claimed she had night terrors, you know. Even her own husband testified that was losing touch with reality. But the jurors didn’t buy it. You don’t just stab a man 37 times and not remember it. Anyway, watch out for that one.” The new guard replied, “And he was some old boyfriend? Hadn’t seen her in years? Wow, just goes to show you, you can never tell what a crazy bitch will do. Even down the line.” I squinched my eyes shut. But the blackness never came again.