The Epiphany

It’s a tiny detail that triggers it. Just an image -a modern gossip magazine in the wrinkled hands of an old lady - but that’s more than enough. I felt it, bubbling inside my head like a soda can that’s been agitated and it’s waiting the moment someone opens it to explode everywhere.

 The Epiphany. That feeling of wonder and emotion creeping in every single cavity of my brain that leaves no room for anything else until it’s just me and her. 

She’s waking up and I feel her stretch out, looking around, getting used to her new home. 

Hello there, I think. 

She’s just a feeling for now, but I almost feel like she looks straight at me.

Hello, she whispers. And then it starts.

***

It’s been a few days and she’s gaining so much strength. Now she strolls around in my head, telling me so much information, making me take notes and google things. She’s making plans and I want her to tell me everything.

She introduced me to a lady. She’s nice although kind of annoying sometimes. Her name is Eileen Hambleton. Every time Epiphany arrives, she comes along now. She wears these clothes that look like they were in style a few decades ago but look almost new. Epiphany tells me she’s a widow and that she lives alone in this pretty neighborhood. They -Epiphany and Eileen- act like they’ve been friends for a long time now, they get along very well. Epiphany knows everything about her and she’s urging me to get to know her myself. She makes me take notes of everything, like a little biography of Eileen. So far, it’s been...interesting. For starters, this woman likes to talk! She talks, and talks and talks and I’ve known her for like a day and a half and I’m pretty sure there’s no detail of her life that I don’t know about. 

I’ve also learned that she’s nosy and reckless and honestly, she could care a little bit more about other’s decorum. Jeez, the kind of questions she asks makes me blush even when she’s not around. 

Anyways, so today, while I was working, she started telling me that after Kate -the only woman in her neighborhood that visits her- and her son Ben left her house, she went to her window to spy on her neighbors -or as she calls it “look out for the welfare of her community” - she saw something weird.

So, she started, as I was telling you, after Katherine left I went to my window and noticed something strange happening in the house of the new neighbor. Oh, I’m telling you, young lady, that man is bad news. 

Why? I asked her, giggling.

Why! Well, let me tell you why! What kind of man in their late thirties is wifeless and childless? She’s so dramatic, acting so outraged. Especially looking like that! 

It sounds to me like you got a little crush on your new neighbor, Mrs. Hambleton. 

I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little outraged that she still doesn’t let me call her by her first name. Still, I laugh when I say the joke. She does not. Oh, well. 

Well? exclaims Epiphany right beside my ear, causing me a heart attack. What the hell are you waiting for? Write all of this down!

Oh, yes, of course! I start writing everything with Epiphany and Eileen watching over my shoulders. Eileen tells me about her afternoon that day, and then about nighttime. I start writing but then she makes me erase everything (write it exactly as I’m saying it!). I stay up for hours, writing and erasing once and again until my eyes teared up and I had to blink several times to focus on the words. When Eileen is finally satisfied, she makes a kind-of-smile and nods once. Epiphany, on the other side of me, pats my head and whispers a “good job” to my ear. Once she says that, I let myself crumble on the chair, at last able to rest.

***

She wakes me up in the middle of the night. Her voice is so loud now I can’t ignore it. She’s all over the place. Epiphany almost yanks me out of bed and pushes me towards my desk. 

I sigh. I’m not sleeping tonight. She brought even more people into my house. Now I know Kate and Ben, and there’s a bunch of people from Eileen’s neighborhood and let me tell you, they’re not much better than her. They are all claiming to get my attention and I try to get to know all of them but between Epiphany’s constant making-me-write and Eileen’s problems, I have almost no time for anything else. 

Come on, girl! she blurts out and I jump. God, I need coffee for this. You’re not writing anything, it’s almost like I haven’t shown you anything! You have all these people here! You. Need. To. Concentrate. 

As I started writing, I managed to not fall asleep and sometime towards 4 a.m. I even got inspired and almost happy I got up, but it didn’t last much. Epiphany screamed at me when I made an error and lectured me about how I couldn’t expect her to give me a break if I didn’t show her any progress. The rest of them also contributed to the comments. You wouldn’t believe how offended they get when you write the wrong name. 

When I looked out the window and saw the sun rising, I finally gathered enough nerve to get up and go make me a cup of coffee (there’s absolutely no way I would’ve ever had the nerve to go back to sleep) and they had mercy and left me alone. 

I go sit by my window, like I’ve been doing lately, and stare at the house in front of mine. A family lives there. They’re a normal family. Nothing like the ones living in Eileen’s neighborhood. Oh. I forgot to write something. 

I take my coffee and head back to my desk. There I see Epiphany, sitting in my chair. She was swinging her slick ponytail from side to side and when she sees me, she smirks

Back already? she purrs. So soon?

She gets up and offers me my chair to sit in. The instant I sit, she massages my tense shoulders and kisses my cheek. 

I knew you couldn’t resist me, she says softly and then vanishes into thin air. 

I keep writing.

***

Hey, Olivia! says my boss’s voice. Shit. I’m just calling to ask if everything’s okay since you haven’t come to work all week. It’s just that...you didn’t tell anything to anyone and you haven’t called, it’s not like you I would appreciate it if you called, thanks. 

Well, that can’t be good. But I’ve been so busy and honestly, my job can wait, it’s not as important as this. It’s not like it’s not going to be there when I’m done with the story. At least, technically. 

I run to the kitchen to leave the food I ordered and go straight to my desk afterward. I have no time to eat, I already heard Epiphany calling me from my office. 

When I open the door, there I see Kate and Ben clinging to his mom’s leg, both of them crying. To their side is Eileen. She’s pissed. 

Where the hell have you been, girl? she shouts at me. I don’t know if you care or not but we have really bad problems right now!

I’m sorry Eileen, I got hungry, I say as I sit in my chair. Epiphany is in here too, and even though she’s not happy she doesn’t tell me anything, she just sits in front of me to watch me write.

Lately, that’s all she does. She knows I don’t need her to tell me what to do. I write all day long and I barely stand to do anything else. Now and then she will pat my shoulder or my head, or she will tell me to move so she can read what I did. When she doesn’t like it, she makes me write it all over again, until she thinks it’s worthy of her. I agree. It must be perfect. 

A few hours go by and I feel myself getting a little lightheaded, so I stop writing to rub my tired, burning eyes and maybe even go get a cup of coffee. The house is quiet now. Kate and Ben fell asleep a long time ago and Eileen went to spy on my neighbors. Epiphany, on the other hand, never tires. When I get up, she mirrors me and follows me to the kitchen, where I pour myself some coffee.

I join Eileen, sitting in the chair I put right next to my window. I see Epiphany standing in the corner of the room, checking her watch, waiting for me to be done. 

As I watch my neighbors, I hear her grumble and I’m sure I can almost hear her roll her eyes before she leaves the room. 

Before I can help myself, even before finishing the whole cup, I go back to writing. 

That took long enough, she mutters when I enter the office. 

I sit down, ready to continue, when I realize, as I stare at the screen, that I can’t read what I last wrote. I try to concentrate, I even rub my eyes again, but everything is still blurry. Cold sweat starts forming on my forehead and my back, I try to get up, but my knees shake. I feel so weak it’s hard to keep my head up. As the world starts to blacken before my eyes, I notice how empty my stomach is and just before I hit the floor, I try to remember the last time I ate. I can’t.

***

Jeez, Olivia, you’re losing precious time! I hear her voice like it is somewhere far away. All I can think of right now is staying awake. Do you know how much time you just lost?! Three hours! I can’t believe it! No, you know what? I actually can! You don’t care about my time or Eileen’s or anybody’s but yours! Hell, it’s almost like you’re trying to waste my time!

I open my eyes and I see her spotless shoes just a few inches away from my face. If I didn’t know better, I’d be afraid she’d kick me. 

I groan and attempt to get up. My muscles are sore and they complain when I ask them to lift me but they do. When I’m standing on my feet, I walk slowly to the kitchen. 

I move gently, ignoring nausea and Epiphany who’s still screaming. I manage to start eating without any more accidents. When I’m done, I drink a whole bottle of water and go to the bathroom, Epiphany hot on my heels.

Oh, so now I’m the bad one here? she says. Is this how it’s going to be from now on? You giving me the cold shoulder? I’m talking to you! Don’t you dare turn your back on me! 

 I close the door in her face. As I go into the shower and the icy water clobbers my still-dressed shoulders, I finally let myself think. 

And God, what was I thinking? Well, I obviously wasn’t.

Epiphany’s been driving me crazy, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t let her keep treating me like this. Crap. How could I be so blind, letting her treat me like a piece of garbage? Well, all of that ends now.  

I undress and throw the wet clothes away. I cleanse my hair and skin and then I give myself a few moments under the water before getting out and putting my robe on. 

When I finally come out of the bathroom, she’s right there. Hasn’t move so much of an inch so I’m forced to squeeze between her and the doorframe. 

Why don’t you freaking go away? I mutter. Of course, she hears me. 

Excuse me? she yells and walks faster to catch up with me. Why don’t I go away? Oh, you wish! But, unlike you, I’m not rude! If I have to do something, I do it! Do you really think I enjoy working with you? No! But I’m not going to let you ruin my plans!

Oh, for the love of God. 

You know what? I stop dead and turn around. It’s my turn to yell. I’ve already let you do too much damage! Christ! I don’t even need you to write! Don’t give yourself so much importance, Epiphany! 

For a second I almost think I said a joke -and a hilarious one at that- because she laughs so much that, for the first time since I know her, she loses her composure. 

You don’t need me? Did I hear correctly? She says, wiping her tears. Honey, without me, you are nothing. She licks her teeth and smiles, like preparing herself for what she’s going to say. And you know what the worst part is? You know that too. You need me more than you need anything else. Or isn’t that why you stopped eating? Sleeping? Working? You need me. 

I stand still, angry tears in my eyes, and unable to say anything. I can only watch her get closer, with that evil smile of hers. She’s wrong. She’s wrong, she’s wrong, she’s wrong. 

No, I’m not, she whispers and I jump. I had forgotten she’s in my head. You would’ve stopped breathing if I’d told you to.

No, I say but my voice is small next to hers. I clear my throat and say it again. No. I don’t need you. I don’t want you here. Leave me alone!

She laughs again and I want to crawl somewhere she can’t see me and cry.

Oh, you poor thing. She’s walking in circles around me, she’s the lion, I’m the prey. 

You will regret this. She’s behind me now, her breath on my ear.  You’ll see. Sooner or later, I will hear you cry out for me.

And just like that, she vanishes into thin air.

***

I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep. I can’t concentrate. I can’t stop thinking about the story. 

Since Epiphany left, I haven’t seen Eileen or the others. She took them. How am I supposed to write anything at all if she took the ones telling me the story?

God, please, please make me sleep. I’m getting tired of staring at my ceiling. 

My eyes burn, I haven't closed them at all tonight. If I close them, it gets worse. 

What’s going to happen? What’s going to happen? What’s going to happen? 

I need to know. God, I need to know. 

Since they all left, my house is way too quiet. Way too empty. I know that’s what I wanted but now I’m stuck. I don’t know what happens to them, I can’t write anything if I don't know what happened. 

I give up and go to the kitchen, I make coffee and go straight to my office, determined to write everything. Anything. I stare at the screen, not knowing what I’m seeing. It’s a blank page. An empty page. I can come up with one thousand synonyms for a white, empty, ugly page but I can’t come up with not even one word about the story. 

Alright. Maybe I need to be the characters, right? I try to think what Eileen would be doing right now and I go to the window. I don’t even ask myself if I’m really going to spy on my neighbors but a voice deep inside of me knows that it wouldn’t be new. Not from a long time ago. 

I watch. I watch for minutes that feel like hours and nothing happens. Jesus. 

I get up, go back to my desk. I sit again and stare at that stupid page. I can almost hear it laughing at me. 

I tell myself that if I start writing the inspiration will come, eventually. A new Epiphany. She’s not unique, she’s not irreplaceable. I don’t need her. 

I write a few sentences. I read them out loud. They’re crap. I erase them. I write again. I erase again. And again. And again. And again. The new inspiration never comes. 

Oh, God. Oh, God. I’m going crazy. I’m going crazy. 

I stand up, but I feel a strange weight crushing me. I know what it is. I know it’s the story. Calling out to me. Screaming at me that I haven’t finished it, mocking me. Telling me I will never know the end. I will never know the end. 

I’m on the floor, practically hugging myself. Holding myself up. And I’m crying. I can’t breathe. I need to know how it ends. I need to know how it ends. I need to know how it ends. 

“Oh God”, I cry out loud “Oh my God, she was right”.

Epiphany was right. I need her. I can’t write without her.

“I’m sorry”, I sob, “I’m so sorry, please forgive me!” I’m suddenly yelling. There is no one in here, no one to listen to me but I yell anyway. I watch all around me, hoping that, by some miracle, she hears me and feels pity for me. But it’s only my books and me. 

She’s gone. The mere thought sends my heart in a speed race.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, I say as a mantra until the words don’t make sense anymore. “I need you”. 

Well, that took you long enough.

Her voice is like water to a burning fire. Music to my ears. When I look up, She’s there, smiling at me. But not like the last time I saw her. Her smile is maternal. Forgiving. Loving.

Come on, she says and holds out her hand for me, let's finish that book.

I take her hand.