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Mom: “Hello?”
911 Operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Mom: “27345 Misty Field Lane. I need an ambulance. Please help.”
911 Operator: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Can you repeat that?”
Mom: “My daughter is having a seizure. 27345 Misty Field. Please, I need an ambulance now!”
911 Operator: “Ma’am, I need you to calm down. What exactly is happening?”
Mom: “My daughter is..”
911 Operator: “Ma’am? Are you there?”
Mom: “Hold on. I just dropped the phone on her head. Please hurry!”
911 Operator: “You dropped the phone? On her head? Ma’am, please calm down..”
Mom: “I’m trying to stay calm, but I need help! Emily is 2, I’m 8 months pregnant, and I’m holding her because I didn’t want to leave her alone. She had an ear infection—her pediatrician said not to worry—but she started burning up, and now she’s had a seizure!”
911 Operator: “Where is she now?”
Mom: “I’m holding her because I didn’t want to leave her alone in the other room!”
911 Operator: “Is she still seizing?”
Mom: “Hold on, I can’t tell. Her face is facing away from me. Give me a second. I think….”
911 Operator: “Ma’am? Are you there? Is everything alright?”
Mom: “I dropped the phone on her head again! I’m having trouble even holding her. Please send someone. I don’t think she’s seizing anymore, but she’s not awake. She’s breathing, but something’s not right..”
911 Operator: “Does she have a history of seizures?”
Mom: “NO! Are you going to fricking send someone or what? I’m here alone, really pregnant, and I need help! I’ve definitely dropped the phone on her twice now. That’s fine, right?””
911 Operator: “Ma’am, please calm down.”
Mom: “PLEASE stop telling me to calm down! I’m shaking, and my arms are getting tired. I’m not even sure I can hold her anymore; I might drop her AFTER hitting her in the head! I need an ambulance! And a weight lifter to hold the phone!”
911 Operator: “An ambulance is on its way, ma’am. Do you have her on her side to prevent choking?”
Mom: “Yes, that’s why I keep dropping the phone! It keeps sliding between my ear and shoulder while I’m holding her, and my belly’s in the way. How long until the ambulance gets here?”
911 Operator: “The ambulance is reporting they are 10 minutes out. You can hang up, ma’am.”
Mom: “Okay, okay—oh my god, hold on.
Dammit! I dropped the phone again! That’s three times! Please don’t call CPS on me!”
911 Operator: “Ma’am, I promise, the ambulance is coming. Just keep her on her side and focus on her breathing.”
Mom: “Fine. But I think she’s going to have a head injury because of me by the time they get here.”
911 Operator: “You’re doing your best, ma’am. Help is on the way.”
Mom: “Rob? I’m at the emergency room with Emily. She had a seizure. She’s fine now, making friends with everyone. I need a stiff drink, though.”
Dad: “What? What happened? Should I come to the hospital?”
Mom: “No. They are discharging her shortly. Nancy is on her way to drive us home. I’m the worst Mom ever. I feel horrible. I kept hitting her in the head.”
Dad: “What? What do you mean, hitting her in the head?”
Mom: “It’s awful. She fell asleep on the couch earlier, and I knew she felt too hot. But I didn’t want to wake her to take her temperature. I called the pediatrician instead and asked when to worry about a fever. They said, ‘Don’t worry at all.’ I even asked, ‘What if it’s over 103?’ They said, ‘Don’t worry.’ Fifteen minutes later, she was having a seizure.”.”
Dad: “That must have been terrifying.”
Mom: “It was horrible. At first, I thought she was choking because she grunted. But I realized it was a seizure. I didn’t know where the cordless phone was, so I grabbed her and ran to the wall phone in the kitchen.”
Dad: “And?”
Mom: “And I held her on her side, but my belly’s so big I couldn’t balance her properly. Then the phone slipped from my shoulder and smacked her in the head. Hard.”
Dad: “Oh no.”
Mom: “But wait, it gets worse! The 911 operator wasn’t helpful at all, and I was shaking so much that I dropped the phone on her head a second time.”
Dad: “Twice?”
Mom: “No, three times! I was just trying to keep her safe, but the stupid phone kept sliding out of my shoulder, and BAM, right on her little head. By the third time, I was convinced I was going to jail for accidental child abuse.”
Dad: “Oh my god.”
Mom: “She’s seizing, unconscious, and I’m giving her a concussion with the phone receiver! I felt like the worst person alive.”
Dad: “I swear I’m not laughing at you. But… the poor kid. She didn’t see it coming.”
Mom: “It’s not funny!”
Dad: “It kind of is.”
Mom: “No, it isn’t! I felt helpless and terrified. I just wanted to scream at that 911 lady. And then BAM! The phone smacks her again. By the end, I was half-convinced I should just set her down and start yelling out the front door for help.”
Dad: “You didn’t, though.”
Mom: “I probably should have. By the time the ambulance got here, she wasn’t even crying. I wasn’t sure they were going to have to work her up for seizures or a head injury. Meanwhile, I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.”
Dad: “She’s okay. That’s what matters. And you did everything you could.”
Mom: “Yeah, including beating her on the head with a telephone receiver!”
Dad: “…..Did they report you to child protective services?”
Mom: “STOP, it’s isn’t funny. I feel awful. But maybe it is a bit funny in the retelling. I was so scared, and all I could hear with the clunk of that damn phone hitting her head. Poor kid.
Dad: “Stop it. You’re a great mom. She deserves you—big belly, big heart, short arms, slippery shoulders, and all.”
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