“Pretend You Never Read It”

By: Shayla Reed

You check your mail, don’t you? You walk out to the mailbox once a day or you send someone to go for you. Maybe you ask your lazy twin brother to check it because you want him to do something else besides waste precious time. Perhaps your mom gets the mail when she comes home from work as she is walking into the front door with the squeaky, brass handle. Whatever your situation, you know the concept of getting mail - right? Someone sends you a letter, the mailman delivers it to your house, then you open the letter and it’s either good news or bad news. You either jump up and down or you sulk all the way back to your room, then slam your door, throw yourself on your bed and remain silent for the rest of the day. Why does mail have this much power over you? How can words on a page change your whole mood? What can someone send you in an envelope that spoils the entirety of your day? Has that ever happened to you? 

This was one of those days. You know, the entirely spoiled days. So imagine this for a minute. Go on this journey in your mind. Maybe this has never happened to you, but pretend for a moment that it did. You wake up happy, sure it is going to be a good day. Why wouldn’t it be? Nothing indicates you won’t be happy today except the fact your brother has tricked you into cleaning his room. You would think being twins would make you more alike, but he leaves his clothes on the floor and you wouldn’t dare. Everything is normal. You are planning on doing laundry later and it's the summer before you head to college, so you are online shopping for your dorm room. And yes, you and your brother are going to the same school. It's only an hour away because you both love your mom too much to be far away. After all, she raised you both on her own for 18 years. You want to be just like her when you become a mother. But maybe you shouldn’t pursue the same career she did - you don’t have what it takes to be a criminal profiler. 

You spend most of the day waiting for your mom to get home and vaguely tell you about her day with the FBI. You’re bored because your brother won’t hang out with you. Then you see the mailman pull up to your house. You are so excited because now you have an excuse to do something else. You run outside and wave at the mailman as he pulls away. You’ve had a crush on him for 5 years. Don’t worry, he’s young...ish. It's a big stack today. You see bills, of course, some magazines, “top secret” work stuff for your mom (but you’re almost positive they wouldn’t actually send that via mail), information packets from your future college for you and your brother and then the letter that made your heart sink into your stomach. 

A letter from your dad. Addressed to you and your brother. 

You’ve been raised by a single mother for 18 years, remember? You had no relationship with your dad. You had never met him, mind you. The only thing you knew about him and needed to know was that he bailed on your mom before you and your brother were born. Oh, and you knew that he sparked your mother’s motivation to work with the FBI - he was a criminal. A white collar criminal. Your mom told you stories about how he embezzled money, committed fraud and was a well-known art thief. An absolute con man. He was on the FBI’s radar. His life of crime had started about 10 years ago and your mom would never let you be close to a criminal. And this man, who somehow never got caught, had written you a letter. Of course there was no return address. You ran inside, threw the mail on the table and yelled for your brother. He couldn’t hear you over the blaring music coming from his room. It was Mozart. Or Bach. You weren’t sure, it was one of those ancient  guys who composed classical music. For some reason, this was your brother’s favorite genre. Anyway, he couldn’t hear you and you were anxious to open it. What could this person who had never been in your life possibly have to say to you, now? 

You opened the letter and you were shaking as you read it. How were you supposed to feel right now? Excited? Happy? Upset? Confused? Yes, confused. You were allowed to feel whatever way you needed to. Your eyes moved swiftly back and forth across the page and read faster than they ever had. The more you read, the weirder you felt. He was telling you that he was proud of you for growing up into the person you were. He told your brother the same things. He wished you both well as you begin your college journey. The whole letter was filled with him regretting not being in your life and wanting to form a relationship with you and your brother. He wanted you to know that he was hopeful about your future. He said he wished he had been in your life from the beginning and maybe he wouldn’t currently be unable to meet his children. Everything he said made you angry. He had actually written a page and a half about how he wished he had been able to be your dad. If any of this were true, if he loved you, where was he your whole life? Oh yeah, he was committing crimes. 

How did he expect you to form a relationship with a criminal? You were so angry. You were confused. You were hurt. You barged into your brother’s room and dramatically shut off his music. He looked shocked and like he was about to scream at you but he could sense you were upset and needed him. There was concern all over his face. You told him to read the letter, left his room and then slammed your room door. Can you guess what you did next? Yeah, you threw yourself on your bed. You cried, but only for a minute. Your brother came into your room and hugged you. He told you not to worry about him and that you guys didn’t need him in your life. You never did before so why would you now? More than anything, you were upset that your dad assumed you and your brother were perfectly fine. How did he even know that, was he spying on you? Who did he think he was making assumptions about your life? Your life that he was never a part of. It made you sick. Your brother was upset, but he hid it. He asked you if telling your mother about the letter was a good idea. Of course you guys had to tell her. 

You’re still imagining this right? How would you tell your mom that your criminal dad had been possibly checking up on you and waiting for the day to send a letter? It’s weird, right? Did you even have to tell her? I mean it's not like you had any desire to write back or even could write back because he didn’t include an address. 

Your mother came home while you were pondering what to do. You convinced your brother to do the talking. He told her that you were the one who found the letter and read it first. He told her how you guys felt. She apologized for your dad’s  poor attempt at connecting with you and your brother. She didn’t know how to make you feel better. She told you that you didn’t need him. Pretty much the same pep talk your brother gave you. And you knew that was true. You just weren’t expecting to ever hear from him. So the day you finally did, was a strange day. Part of you wished you had never read the letter, because now you were having all these unresolved feelings and questions. The main one being, will he send you letters when you get to college? Will he be watching you for the rest of your life now? Sending you letters, but never giving you a chance to write back? He was so desperate to avoid being caught that he didn’t have the decency to try and be a dad. And he probably never would be your dad. Which you were okay with. But you and your brother had so many questions that you never had before. You know the saying, “out of sight, out of mind.”But now your dad was in your mind, even if he wasn’t in your sight.  And you wanted him out. That one letter had pretty much changed everything. 

Now that you’ve imagined this day, think about how you would move forward. Would you even know how? Maybe it wasn’t the worst day ever but it was an upsetting one for you. 

See, the mere mailbox could ruin the day. But it isn’t the mailbox’s fault. Blame the person who sent the letter you wish you never read.