The cards that life deals

“That was my finest hour!” shrieks Anna across the table, almost knocking over Tina’s wine glass as she gesticulates wildly with her arms, animated as ever, even more so after we’ve gone through a few bottles of sauvignon blanc.

“And then you fell asleep on the bus!” Elaine chimes in, her dark eyes sparkling in the light of the log fire that keeps our local pub warm as toast in the winter months.

David the landlord sidles over from the bar in his usual nonchalant way. “You ladies having another bottle then?” he grins as he collects the empties from the table. “Looks like your Toby’s having another anyway,” he nudges Elaine and she glances over to the bar where her husband has a fresh pint of beer and a whiskey chaser lined up. He’s swaying like a pigeon in the wind, a big lump of a man perched on his bar stool, defying the laws of physics. Elaine smiles dismissively, there’s nothing unusual in what she sees.

“Might as well, we’ve come this far!” I look up at David, “one more bottle please, and then home. Work in the morning!” There’s a collective groan around the table. Our Sunday afternoon catch-ups can often turn into Sunday evening drinking sessions, and then Monday morning headaches. But it’s worth it. Our little group, where we set the world to rights, hold each other up when one of us is down, and screech like banshees when lubricated sufficiently.

“How is work anyway Jasmine? You settled into the new job okay?” Elaine swings her eyes away from Toby and looks at me across the table, taking my hand as she does when she’s feeling soporific. “I know you were worried about it.”

“It’s working out okay actually, so yeah, all good. Not sure about tomorrow morning though!” I take the bottle of wine from David as he returns to the table and I refill our glasses. “Cheers ladies, it’s been a lovely evening.”

Elaine still has hold of my hand. “Pop down to mine tomorrow evening if you like, I’ll do your cards for you, if you want to.”

Elaine runs a bookshop in town and reads Tarot. She’s done mine a few times over the years and I know she’s pretty good. My new admin job at the opticians is definitely different to my old job at Bert’s Cafe, so maybe some guidance from the cards would be helpful. I agree to call at Elaine’s the following evening.

The four of us drain the bottle of wine while Anna relays a tale about a woman with six toes who called into her beauty salon for a pedicure earlier in the week. We know we shouldn’t laugh, but we do. Tina has become distracted by her phone. No doubt it’s Gary, her vegan, teetotal, joy sapping boyfriend texting, wondering why she isn’t home yet. I catch her eye and mouth ‘you okay?’ she nods and empties her glass. My husband Zak had a couple of beers with Toby earlier, but he’s got an early start tomorrow. Now he’ll be tucked up in bed snoring his head off, dreaming about the miles of motorway that he’s driven his lorry this week. Bless him.

It’s cold and crisp outside the pub as the alcohol kicks in and we wobble about on the footpath, hugging and saying our farewells. Toby has joined us to walk home with Elaine, even though she’s not too steady on her own legs, she’s got a hold of his arm, propping him up, as together, they stagger a little dance down the road. Tina has disappeared in the opposite direction, I can see the glow of her phone bobbing up and down. “I hope she’s okay.” I say to Anna who’s fumbling in her bag looking for her house keys.

“I don’t know…” she says, “but you can’t say too much. She’ll work it out I’m sure. It’s Elaine I’m more worried about.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ever since Toby left the law firm and retired… haven’t you noticed his drinking’s got much worse?”

“He always did like his beer, but yeah he never used to get so legless.”

“It might be nothing,” Anna gives me a hug, “anyway, work in the morning, you have a good week.”

“Yeah, you too, watch out for women with funny toes!” I shout after her as she totters off towards home, her keys jangling.

As I open the front door, I can hear the gentle rumble of Zak snoring, a living, breathing lorry in our bed. In the kitchen I find a cheese sandwich that he’s left me with a post-it-note, thought you’d need this! xxx. I really am lucky to have him.

Monday morning dawns with a thumping headache and a cold space on the side of the bed where Zak was before he left for work. My day at the opticians drags, all this new admin work is so draining compared to flipping burgers at Bert's, and I’m glad to get home. It’s only when I’ve settled down with a cup of tea that I remember I’m supposed to go to Elaine’s this evening for a Tarot reading. I really just want an early night, but Elaine has always been such a generous and thoughtful friend that I’d feel bad for not going. So I have a quick wash and walk into town where she and Toby live in a large apartment above the bookshop.

Elaine answers the door with her usual gentle smile and the aroma of fresh brewing coffee, mingled with heady incense, instantly makes me feel welcome and relaxed. “Are you sure you don’t mind me coming round?” I ask as Elaine takes my coat, “is Toby not home?”

“He’s out with some old friends from work, he won’t be back until late.” Elaine ushers me into the living room where the coffee table is set with a plethora of burning candles and a silk cloth where her cards sit surrounded by crystals of different colours and sizes.

“Must be strange for him, now he’s not working.” I settle down amongst the velvet cushions and throws scattered across the deep sofa.

“He’s fine. Would you like a coffee?”

I accept the offer and relax, looking around the room at the quirky ornaments and paintings whilst faint noises echo from the kitchen. There are lots of intriguing esoteric books slotted into the base of the coffee table, and I’m about to reach out to look at one when I spot a leaflet poking out, the health service logo on the corner grabbing my attention. I slide it out, then hear Elaine returning with the coffee, and push it back in between the books.

We finish our coffee and Elaine reaches for her cards, shuffling them with care, like they’re old friends, slipping comfortably along next to each other, telling stories, easing life’s complexities, seeking truths. The reading seems positive. Elaine tells me that my new job is a chance to make changes for the better, that’s what the Judgement Day card is telling her, along with the nine of cups, things are going to settle down for me and Zak, though she’s reticent as her fingers hover over the card showing the Lightning Struck Tower, telling me it’s all part of the new phase of moving on.

“Do you read the cards for yourself?” I ask as Elaine gathers them up, placing them in a velvet pouch.

“Yes, about once a week I suppose, it helps me self-counsel myself if you see what I mean, helps me deal with stuff.”

I pause and then, “what about Toby, do you do his cards?”

“Oh heck no, he’s not the slightest bit interested. Scares him a bit I think.”

“He’s okay though?” I push a little, “since he gave up work?”

“He’s fine.” That’s Elaine’s response meaning no more questions, so I don’t ask anything else and after another coffee, I head home, pondering the leaflet I’d caught a glimpse of, just long enough to read its title - Understanding Heart Disease.

“How did Toby seem to you last night?” Zak is back from work when I get home, he’s in the kitchen warming up some soup.

“Toby?” Zak kisses me on the forehead, “he just seemed like he usually is, drunk as a skunk. He didn’t have very much to say. Maybe I’ve upset him. You know how he can be sometimes.”

“He’s been a bit like that the last few months.”

“What does Elaine say? She’s your friend.”

“You know what she’s like, too busy watching out for the rest of us. And, she’s so loyal to Toby, I don’t think she’d ever say if something was wrong.” I grab a couple of bowls from the cupboard and set them on the table. “Zak, don’t say anything if I tell you something…”

“Tell me what?” He pours the steaming soup into the bowls and puts the pan in the sink.

“I saw a leaflet at theirs when I was there this evening. It was about heart disease.”

Zak sits down opposite me and takes a spoonful of soup. “It’s probably there from when Elaine’s dad was ill, remember? It wasn’t that long ago that he died, a couple of years maybe.”

“Yeah, maybe so, but it’s worrying…” Zak grabs my hand and smiles, tells me not to worry, Toby is fine, just making the most of his retirement. I’m not convinced.

I don’t know why it bothers me so much but I can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right with Toby. Zak and I have known him and Elaine for over twenty years, ever since they moved here and Elaine opened the bookshop. They’ve been good friends to us and it bothers me that Toby might be unwell and isn’t telling us. He was amazing with us when Zak’s brother passed away unexpectedly a few years ago, really supportive, as men go. He’s a good listener and both Zak and I would want to repay that kindness if it were ever needed.

I pop into the bookshop on my lunch break on Wednesday, buy a paperback that I don’t really need, wanting to say something to Elaine, but she’s her usual warm, bustling self, as she takes my money and puts the book in a paper bag for me. She seems so content with her place in the world. I hesitate for a moment, then let it go.

Later that afternoon, as I’m heading home after work, I spot Toby across the road, standing outside the chemists. He’s leaning against the wall, his face pale, his breathing seems laboured, coming in short, sharp bursts and his hands tremble slightly as he fumbles in his pocket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes.

I hesitate before crossing over. “Toby?”

He jumps slightly, looking up at me as if he were somewhere else completely. “Hi Jasmine.” He forces a smile, lights a cigarette and takes a long drag, followed by a moment of restrained coughing.

“You okay?” I ask, searching his face.

“Yeah, yeah, just needed some air.” He waves a dismissive hand, his eyes darting up and down the street, avoiding mine. “Just feeling a bit rough, that’s all. Probably too much beer. You know how it is.”

I don’t know how it is. Not like that. I enjoy a drink, don’t get me wrong, and I’m not judging, but this version of Toby doesn’t seem right. I glance down at his other hand which is holding a paper bag from the chemists, his fingers clenched around it as though he doesn’t want me to see what’s inside.

“Sure you’re alright? You look a bit…” I pause, not wanting to say the wrong thing.

He exhales heavily, cigarette smoke filling the space between us. “I’m fine, Jas. Just a bit worn out. Since I stopped working, I’m a bit all over the place.”

He still looks shaky, but I don’t want to push. “Okay. Well, you take care, alright? Maybe give Zak a call if you fancy a beer later, he’s not working today.”

Toby nods, but I get the sense he isn’t really listening and I watch him for a moment longer as he heads off towards home. The great stature of a man looks vulnerable all of a sudden and I try to shake off the uncomfortable sensation that’s just crept down my spine.

On Saturday afternoon, I meet up with Tina for a coffee in town. She’s quieter than usual, stirring her cappuccino as though she’s somehow drifted away into its frothy clouded top.

“Everything alright?” I ask, passing her half of the poppy seed cake that we’re sharing.

Tina sighs. “Gary and I had a bit of a row this morning. Same old stuff.”

I wait, letting her decide if she wants to say more.

She rolls her eyes. “He thinks I drink too much. Says I should be more like him, but honestly, Jas, sometimes it feels like I’m living with a life coach! He’s so obsessed with treating his body like a temple.” She sips her coffee, then glances at me. “I don’t know how we’ve lasted this long to be honest.”

“He does think the world of you though,” I say. “Have you told him how you feel?”

Tina takes a large mouthful of cake, and chews for a moment. “I’ve tried. He just keeps saying I’ll thank him for it one day.” She pauses, then, as if suddenly needing to shift the focus, asks, “What about you? You seem a bit distracted.”

I hesitate before answering. “It’s Toby.”

Tina frowns. “What about him?”

“I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem right. I saw him the other day, and he looked awful. Said he was just feeling rough, but I’m not sure.”

Tina leans in towards me, lowering her voice. “You mean the drinking?”

“That, and…” I hesitate. “I found a leaflet at theirs the other night. About heart disease.”

Her expression shifts, concern creeping across her face. “Do you think he’s that bad? He’s definitely let himself go since he stopped work. Poor Elaine, she’ll be devastated if she loses him.”

I sigh and take a drink of my coffee. We sit silently for a moment while the buzz of the coffee shop continues on around us, oblivious to the worrying thoughts occupying both mine and Tina’s minds.

“Certainly puts things in perspective doesn’t it?” Tina breaks the silence, “and here’s me complaining about Gary, when poor old Toby might be…”

We finish our coffee and head our separate ways. We’ll catch up in the pub on Sunday.

Sunday afternoon arrives, and Zak and I head to the pub. There’s a football game that he wants to watch with the lads, and I’m glad to see that Anna has grabbed our favourite table and set out four wine glasses. Tina blusters in, abruptly finishing a conversation on her phone then stuffing it angrily into her bag. She slumps down at the table and grabs the wine bottle, shaking her head as she pours a large glass. I glance at Anna as she rolls her eyes and we both smile. The fire crackles, shouts ring out from the bar as the football match gets underway. But something feels different. Then Toby arrives. Elaine isn’t with him.

Toby looks different. Not just tired, but hollowed out and lost. Bewildered, like a little boy. He doesn’t greet us with his usual gruff hello or daft joke, nor does he head straight to the bar. Instead, he lowers himself onto the seat beside me, his large frame seeming smaller than usual.

Anna reaches across the table. “Toby? What’s wrong?”

He doesn’t answer. His hands are trembling. I feel sick.

“I…” His voice falters, cracking, I’ve never seen him like this before. Toby rubs his hands across his eyes, looks out of the window, then clears his throat as he turns back towards us. “Elaine’s gone.”

The words hang in the air, like they don’t belong there. Like he's said the wrong thing.

Tina frowns. “Gone where? Where’s she gone Toby?”

Toby blinks, as if trying to make sense of what’s in his head. He speaks slowly into the middle distance. “Elaine… she died. Yesterday. Heart attack.” His voice cracks. “Massive one. There was nothing they could do.”

A stunned silence grips the table. My stomach drops. I push back the nausea and put my hand on Toby’s shaking shoulder.

“Oh my god,” I whisper. The leaflet. The signs. The way she brushed everything off. It wasn’t Toby. It was Elaine.

Toby shakes his head, a little warmth returning to his voice. “She didn’t want any of you to know that she was ill. Just carried on like she always did. You girls meant the world to her you know.” He swallows hard. “All this time… she’s known something was wrong but still put everyone else first… me included.”

My chest tightens as I remember the way her fingers had hovered over the Lightning Struck Tower when she’d read my cards, the only moment she’d faltered. A new phase, she’d said. Moving on. But not for me. For her.

I look at Anna and then Tina, eyes brimming with tears, faces etched with stark dismay.

Anna exhales shakily. “We should’ve seen it. Why didn’t we? We should’ve…” she breaks and sobs into Tina’s shoulder.

I reach for Toby’s hand, squeezing it tight, though no words feel right. “I’ll get you a drink Toby,” I say as on legs that feel like they’re not there, I get up and move towards the bar, through the heartbreaking reality that has just descended on our little world.

Elaine, the one who always looked out for everyone else, had been masking her own truth right in front of us. And none of us saw it.