Choked By Stars

The stars blinked at her, calling to her, whispering her name.

Halaine. Halaine. Halaine.

She wished with all her power to see the stars. To fly over the Earth, leave its gravitational pull. She wanted to see them for what they really were, from their natural view. She wanted to see them from space. But, she knew, she’d never get there.

She looked away. They’d always be there to look at, from far below. It was all she’d ever get the joy of.

She shuffled through the tall grass, unmowed, unweeded, for far longer than she could remember. Maybe it had never been taken care of.

She couldn’t remember.

Tomorrow was another day. His words rang through her mind again. Poisonous and toxic, but one’s that, even after the time she’d been away from him, still ran through her ears and held power over her.

She thought back to that day, having only been a year and a half ago. It seemed much farther in the past than that.

Hats flew; a cloud of black birds, even as they tumbled back down to the golf-course-green grass. She hugged Melanie. Her friend, who had been there to help pull her through the last leg of the school year. If she hadn’t, Halaine wouldn’t have made it to graduation. They parted in search of their families. Now with everything over, all the exams and hard studying, and even all ten years completed, now was the time to celebrate.

She quickly located their happy and beaming faces. She’d worked so hard for this day.

She saw her mother, her two brothers, and her husband. They were all there, waiting for her as she came across the field to them.

Her mother was the first to embrace her. A glistening in her eyes as her brown speckled hands wrapped around her.

She fell into her mother’s warm embrace, feeling how proud her mother was as she squeezed back.

She stepped away and was given high fives from both of her brothers.

“Well done, little sis,” Jaime said. He was the oldest, four years older than her and two older than Alonzo. She looked past their tall shoulders, peering behind them to see Garret, her husband.

He’d hung back instead of rushing forward to congratulate her just as her mother and brothers had. If she hadn’t been so happy she’d have rolled her eyes by now. Having been with him for almost as long as it had taken her to complete her master’s degree, she knew him down to his bare bones.

“Garret, are you going to say something to your wife?” Alonzo said. He was very good at reading between the lines. From things Garret would say to Halaine, Alonzo suspected, more so than Jaime or her mother, there was something going on between them.

His eyes darted to hers. “Good job, Halaine. I am really proud of you.” He looked at her with a smile. One that was nothing more than an empty cage of teeth. The smile was nothing. It meant nothing. At one time it had, but now, it no longer carried any feeling to her. She watched as he looked away again, everything else always more interesting than what was right in front of him.

“Thank you,” she said, almost curtly, but reined in her frustration. She didn’t want to ruin the day and enjoy what she could of it.

They only lingered on the field a bit longer while Halaine went looking for her professors who she wanted to thank. They had all gotten her to where she was; and where she was going. She was only steps away from her goal.

She looked over at Garret from the passenger seat. The day had gone by so quickly, she hadn’t even known where the time had gone, but they were finally alone.

“What is with you today?” she asked finally. She had waited until they had left her mother’s house, not wanting her brothers or mother to hear this.

“What?” he asked. He didn’t turn his head, keeping his gaze on the road ahead.

“You’re in a mood today,” she said. “Why?”

He remained silent, keeping his attention on the road. He looked in the left mirror before veering into the left lane.

She wanted to bite her tongue but couldn’t. “Why don’t you use directionals?” Every little thing seemed to aggravate her.

“Why are you on my case?” he asked. He pulled them onto their street.

“Why are you in a mood?” she repeated.

“I’m not.”

“Why can’t you be happy, for me, just once?” she asked.

“I am happy for you,” he said.

“Well you’re not showing it,” she said. She watched the car lights bathe the garage in soft yellows.

“I said good job,” he muttered as he shut off the ignition.

Halaine looked at him, listening to the squeal of the garage wheels pulling the large door up. Inside was a maze of stuff. Piles stacked high to the ceiling with only foot paths to get around them. The garage had long been used to store a car.

Garret pulled the keys out shoved them into his pocket and slammed the car door.

“You said good job. Only after my brother said something, and what else did you say today? Little.” She grabbed her cap and gown from the back seat and almost left the folded degree in the car before grabbing for it too. She balled the fabric in her hands.

“Anytime there is something good with you, I have to hear it. And boy, do I hear it. For days, even.”

“Yes, I am happy to express the good things I’ve achieved,” he said. She heard his voice echoing from already inside the garage.

“But–”

The door inside the garage banged shut loudly. He’d give her an excuse for that too. The wind did it, he would say, only she knew, it was never the wind.

She closed her eyes and took a breath, calming her jumpy heart before following him inside. She hit the button to shut the garage and entered the kitchen.

Halaine put the gown on the chair and the cap over the back and looked around for where Garret disappeared to.

She climbed the stairs and found him standing on one foot wrestling to take off a sock. He’d already removed the other and his pants.

“I was talking to you,” she said in a lowered voice.

“Yeah?”

The sock snapped in his hand and he dropped it to the floor, flinging his shirt across the wake of his undressing, heading for the bed.

“Are you going to bed?” she asked.

“What does it look like, Halaine?” he said, finally turning around. His answer had been quick, snappy, like his sock.

“What is the matter?” she asked, standing in the doorway.

“What is the matter?” he asked, incredulously as if it was obvious and Halaine couldn’t see it.

“You have barely talked to me, you have somewhat looked at me. So yes, what is the matter? I have been with you for a long time and know when you’re upset. What did I do to upset you?”

He wrenched back the blankets but stopped. He turned back to her. “Here I am, looking at you like you want. May I go to bed now?”

“Garret–”

“Forget it,” he said and left the side of the bed. He passed her in the doorway. “I’ll sleep on couch. The bed is all yours. I don’t want to sleep with you tonight.”

She watched his back as he headed down the narrow hall, back to the stairs that would take him to their living room.

“No!” she yelled. “I am talking to you! Stop walking away from me!”

She followed him to the top of the stairs. He turned and faced her. She saw it finally. In his eyes. The expression he was making, and knew why he was acting this way.

Her frown twisted until the side of her face had scrunched. “You are so selfish.”

“What did I do now?” he asked, this time his voice rising. “All I want to do is go to bed!”

“I have worked really hard. It has taken me ten years, but I did it. I finally achieved my master’s degree, because I have a goal and I’m going to get there one day. But you, you can’t handle the fact that I did something better than you and now you’re selfishly angry instead of showing how proud you are. All you think about is you. It’s why anytime I had something good you always had to put it out there how something you did was better.”

“No,” he said. Now he wore a sour look, his lip curled at the corner showing a touch of white teeth.

“You always questioned why I was doing something,” she asked. “Why?”

“I couldn’t understand why you were doing it? It’s as simple as that. Why are you asking me this?”

She ground her teeth. Ten years of this. This arguing, this back and forth, and nothing was getting accomplished. It was an endless circle like a snake eating its own tail.

“Do you know how hard it was, to finish college with all those things you say to me rattling around in my head? Do you know I almost gave up a few months ago?”

She watched him think.

“No, I didn’t,” he said after a moment of silence.

She shrugged. “Of course you don’t. Because you didn’t care to see. You were too busy showing off that you got a raise just after I told you how I was feeling depressed about not being good enough to finish my last project.”

“But you finished it didn’t you?” he asked.

“How do you miss the point I’m trying to make, every time?” she asked. She almost screamed. She wanted to pull her hair out. It was so frustrating talking to him.

“What am I missing?”

“Never mind.” She turned and walked away.

“What?” she heard him call behind her, and then she heard him change tactics. It was what he did anytime things weren’t going his way. “You know Halaine, just keep trying. You’re never going to get where you want to be, anyways. You better just accept how things are.”

Unfortunately, that time, he had been right. He’d said it so many times she could no longer forget it. No longer ignore his pressing voice in her mind, even though they were no longer together. She could still hear his words in her head. Telling her how she’d never get there.

The stars always called her name. It was what she had struggled to accomplish. A degree in astronomy. It had taken her ten years to get where she wanted to be educationally but she’d never gotten to go further than that.

She stopped, feeling as though she heard the whispers again.

Halaine. Halaine. Halaine.

She looked over her shoulders letting the piece of paper fall from her fingers. It was a letter from Melanie. She’d gone across seas and had furthered herself in her career field. She’d even gotten a spot for Halaine to go up into the stars where she could study them from space. It was what she had wanted all along. But, she couldn’t go.

She could try her hardest, struggle and push, but she wouldn’t get to go to the stars. Garret had made sure of that. All she would be able to do, as she looked back up at them before heading back inside to the empty house, would be to watch them from below.