And When You Fail, Stand Back Up

Creating a list of New Year's resolutions was her favorite way to ring in the beginning of the New Year; it was the ultimate to-do list. Every year, sometime in early November, she began planning. But not this year, this year, she saved her planning for New Years Eve. There had been a handful of invitations extended with various other ways she could have spent her evening. Drinking, dancing, listening to music, and making small talk with other people who didn't understand her ritual, there was no magic in that. So she politely declined while trying to contain the excitement and giddiness that came as a result of what she knew lay ahead for her.

           The best part of making her New Year's Resolutions was the new planner and the new journal. This year her planner was a creation of her own design. She'd taken a basic journal and filled the cover with images of what she manifested for her life. Inside, each month had a powerful message, or inspiring quotation to keep her pushing towards her goals in this next year. The intention was to remind herself of her why... as this seemed to have been her downfall over the past year. In truth, she'd never kept a resolution past January 31st for the past 15 years she had been making them.

           On the desk she had gathered her supplies; her new planner and journal, a generous glass of her favorite wine, Pandora streaming a Khalid inspired playlist, and all her best laid plans from the year before. The intention had always been to build on the previous accomplishments, key word being intention. All she had to show from the last 15 years of making resolutions was 15 planners and journals filled with what she had hoped and dreamed for her life. But that's the thing about hopes and dreams, if you don't put the work in, that's all they'll ever be.

           So this year she decided that she would have more than just intentions. She was going to make an action plan based on her decade and a half of failures. 'Time has gone by regardless of what I have and haven't done, and I'm tired of wasting it.'

            With enthusiasm and passion that lit her heart on fire, she reviewed her failures from 2005 through 2019, and vowed that this year would be different. If you haven't gathered by now, she was an incredibly meticulous and organized individual.. most days bordering on OCD. She decided that the best way to complete this review was to take the top three resolutions from each year, and rebuild them with success being the only option.

Resolution #1: Lose Weight/Love My Body

           Without fail, this was the number one resolution on every single list, every single year. She looked through her past entries and noticed an emerging theme. In the early 2000's she set specific goals, with specific numbers, so she either hit it, or missed it. Throughout the years she saw the resolutions turn from constructive, measurable goals to things like, 'Give Up Donuts' (that was never going to happen) or 'Move My Body Everyday' (Does walking to and from the refrigerator count?).

           While the thought of doing these non-specific things could contribute to her meeting the ultimate goal, the theme that she noticed was as the years went on was that her goals became less specific and quantifiable. Creating room for ways to justify that she had worked on the resolution... but didn't make any measurable progress. Was she doing that subconsciously? Maybe. Because with all the shades of grey area that were created by this tactic of goal setting, she never really failed, but she also never succeeded.

Resolution #2: Write a Book

           This resolution ebbed and flowed throughout the last 15 years. When she was younger with less responsibility and more time it always made the top 3. She joined writers workshop at school and was an avid and passionate reader. She spent countless hours writing, and starting one thousand and five romance novels and self-help books and mysteries and generic run of the mill fiction. One year she had even gone as far as to buy a handful of publishing books, scouring for literary agents that might take a chance on her. However, the key to taking the next step, the only way she could turn the resolution to reality would be to finish something.

           Finish that romance novel, finish that query letter explaining writing and creating set her soul on fire, finish something... anything; but she never did. As the years went on, romance blossomed and was marked forever by marriage. Children came along and they were treasured more than anything. And the fire that lit up her soul dimmed, mere embers remained; each year those embers flared up when she remembered her desire to change the world with her craft. It continued to make the top 3 in her resolutions list, but writing that resolution was as far as her writing went, year after year.

Resolution #3: Change My Life

           This resolution was born out of frustration. She had been making resolutions for 15 years. Over the last few years the resolutions grew more vague and the list grew longer and longer, repeating the same goals year after year. There was no denying this clear indication that she was failing to make progress. She let out a deep sigh and took a few long sips of wine; slowly a tear ran down her cheek.

"Why are you crying?!" Her inner voice asked. She had never given herself much grace when it came to failing but unwavering encouraged everyone else in her circle.

"This is your fault, you have no one to blame but yourself. You've taken something you look forward to all year and made it miserable. What's next, are you going to stop making resolutions all together?" Her self-talk was real harsh. She would never talk to anyone else this way.

           She stood up from her desk in a physical attempt to shake it off, shake the disapproving voice coming from within her. She walked over to the bed and flopped down on her back facing up, folded her hands and stretched as far as she could. She pulled her arms back in and crossed them behind her head and starred at the ceiling.

           What if she decided not to make resolutions this year? Would the world as she knew it come crumbling down? She'd tried and failed and tried and failed, more times than she could count. What would her friends say? They had already told her to give up countless times, in a humorous way of course, but she knew they weren't joking by their tone. What would her sister say? She always tried to be encouraging and was sure to give her as much support as she needed, but she had gotten the vibe that even her sister was becoming skeptic.

           What would her children think? They were young enough now, but in a few years time she didn't want them to be embarrassed of her. Embarrassed because she wasn't as successful as the other mom's or as thin as the other mom's or as 'pintresty' as the other moms. What legacy would she be leaving behind? She slowly rose from the bed, walked back to her desk, and slammed the rest of her wine.

           She glanced at the clock. 6:42 pm. She'd set out on this journey and declared to everyone that this year's goals and resolutions were going to be LIFE CHANGING close to 2 hours ago. All she had to show since four o'clock that afternoon was an empty planner, with no resolutions, puffy eyes, and an empty bottle of Bartenura Moscato.

"To be fair," she thought to herself, "There are only like 3 glasses of decent sized wine in there anyway."

           Just then her phone began to buzz. "Hey Kay. I know you're busy creating a plan to take over the world by changing your life...but I just want you to know that I am proud of you. You are dedicated and passionate. You take the time to make your resolutions every year and inspire many in doing so, including me. I think I am most awestruck by the fact that no matter the challenge, no matter how grandiose the dream, no matter how many times you've failed... you've never given up. You are a Queen, never forget it. Oh and PS. You have 12 minutes before we leave for dinner, see you soon."

           They were just words... but it meant the world to her. Not because she cared about his opinion of her, or because she needed someone else to lift her back up, but because sometimes you need someone to help you get out of your own way.

           Who was holding her back? Who was telling her she didn't measure up? No one! And even if they did, whose life is this to take control of? Who was in charge of ensuring her life was exactly how she wanted to be.

           Did she have countless failures under her belt? Absolutely! But once you fail, and find out what didn't work you try again... and you might fail again but you keep trying... because if you don't. What is the alternative? Are you complacent living your life to only half its potential? She wasn't. Not for one more second.

           She wrote out her top three resolutions for the coming year. The difference she knew is that she would make these lifestyle changes. When it came to getting in shape and loving her body she vowed to honor her body and soul with the daily affirmation 'I am strong. I am beautiful. I am a Queen.' This is a resolution she could attain, and build on. When it came to writing a book, she resolved that she'd start off a habit of writing a minimum of 500 words a day. Was this reasonable? Completely! It might take her months, but if she kept up with this on a daily basis, she would get it finished!

           And when it came to changing her life. She manifested everything she wanted for herself. She saw where she would be in 10 years with her partner, with her children, and her career. She saw what a body that was loved and cared for would look like. She saw her book perched on a stand at Barnes and Nobel as a feature. She saw all these things as if they'd already happened. Because she knew in her heart that they would.

           She closed the cover of her planner and ran her fingers over it like she was seeing it all for the first time because she was. She saw the potential for herself and her life and didn't doubt the reality of it for a moment. Turning out the lamp on her desk, and gathering up her glass and empty bottle, she walked out of her room ready to take on the world.