The summer she died

The salty ocean smell and the feel of sand between her toes. Hot. But cool. Breeze blowing. Those dark curls damp and shining with that salty ocean spray. What a beautiful day. Perfect. But time to go. She had plans with Sheena. They were going out on the town bar hopping! Back to her house to sit on the porch or the swing and laugh like teen school girls under the moonlit sky. She was going to be 40 in one month. Sheena was only 22. She had some time before this milestone birthday. So a muggy breeze and a big big moon and lots of cars, sounds, laughing and whispers and drinking some dancing. No love music tonight. It was disco night. Twirling lights! That beautiful disco ball! It spun around and filled the bar with happy light to dance in. Home. On the swing. Adam is there. He stopped to see Sheena. They've been on a couple dates. He's so attractive. He's an EMT. The whole package honey. Later and later. No more drinking. Just drunk from laughter and joking. The future is bright. For Sheena and Adam and for her. "Some guy is here to see you." Ok. Tell him to come in. Adam was there. He was saying how attractive she was. He couldn't believe she would be 40. Couldn't believe there was no one for her. No one she loved or held or whose back she would scratch or claw during those times. You know those times. Music, candles, sweet sweaty smells. Touching. Screaming. Kissing. Passionately. Adams fingers in her dark curls. All night. All through the dark into the sunrise of the next summer day and the next summer night and the next summer day. Over and over. Oblivious to the time passing. Oblivious to duties and obligations and yes even to friends. That whirlwind of new love and new courtship. This is it! Adam is the one. 40 is spectacular! Glowing she is with her dark curls and tanned body. Adam so strong and muscular. Rugged and yet gentle at the same time. Sure Adam you can move in. She knew that when he did it would be real. Official. No one would deny the happiness of this pair destined to find one another and find an unspeakable joy in each other. Haunted houses and pumpkins that glow on doorsteps. It's time for the costumes and candy and apples. Dried corn stalks decorating yards all through the small town. Still strong in love and knowing forever would be how long the love would last. Not just love either. But that breathless feeling when eyes meet and in moments the caressing and back arching because of a passion never known before. Meeting people was always easy but she's older than Adam and sometimes people look and comment and sometimes it's not very nice. The summer was filled with so many many wonderful memories. Fall and winter spring and next summer would also be. Oh the young how they try everything! Right? A little dangerous but oh so exhilarating. She knew horses. Motorcycles. Go carts. Fast cars. Jumping from an airplane at 39. Why do you want to get your pilots license Adam? His answer that he could then take her to new heights in love was the end of the questions. Please she said. She couldn't imagine feeling anymore blissful than at that moment. The official first day of fall wasn't there quite yet so that meant it's still summer. The smoke was coming from over near the state park. She was leaving work and just glanced in the direction. People shouldn't be having bonfires just yet. Still hot and humid some days. So much to do after work. Errands. Check on parents. Groceries. Making Adam's favorite dinner. It was not quite 6. Adam was home around 630 or 7. Home and coffee and shower. Oh the comfy clothes! She had never experienced such a feeling of happiness at the comfortable routine that was her life now. Adams life too. The phone ringing ringing ringing. Too much to do to be on phone. Caller ID reads a number she doesn't recognize anyway. On to dinner. She knew just how Adam liked this meal prepared. It was so easy for her to please Adam. And Adam certainly did please her. Steaks grilling but phone still ringing. Thank God turning the annoying thing off was an option and she took it! Quiet! She put on some quiet romantic music and lit some candles. It's well after 730. Adam went to where the smoke was she said to herself. Yep. There was a call and Adam answered it. Just like her calls were always "answered" by that handsome rugged man who took her to a place never before visited even in her mind. 10 p.m. oh my God that banging! Where was it coming from? Banging! Yelling! She thought she heard her name being called. God someone at the door at this time! Really? Adam honey where is your key? Adam was bad about misplacing things! Funny she remembered some things adam had misplaced and where they were finally found. She chuckled as she unlocked and opened the door. First day of fall. How ironic. Was that the right word? Still warm but she was chilled to the bone and wore a sweater about her shoulders. Dark clouds meant some rain was coming. The wind had picked up and was blowing the dark matted clumps of her curls. No longer shiny but like her face that was so drawn her curls weren't curls anymore but just long droopy spirals. Everything in the world was not like it was but it was the same. The people were going through those daily routines like people do that have routines and lives and reasons to live those lives and get up each day. Damn them. All of them. Damn them all to hell. Raindrops? Really? Why not? Perfect. She pulled the sweater on. Fully on. Not draped around the shoulders. Well honey you aren't looking so good for 40 now are you? Fate took its hand and slapped her happy face and she fell to the ground and there she was kicked and mocked and laughed at. Who was she to think that she deserved to be so happy! Oh no! It was time to move her from that happy place where she rarely found herself anyway and snap her back into the real world and the reality that life could be a breeze for some. A summer breeze full of salty ocean air making those dark brown curls glisten and shine. But for others. Well, life could be sadness , tragedy, horror and disappointment. That happy and giddy place wasn't meant for her. Pain and tears. Ugly and hurt. Gut wrenching sobs and hugging the floor where once happy had happened. Screaming but in anger and pain. Why won't the hurt in her heart stop? God make it stop! She'll make it stop! Yes! She doesn't need God to answer her cries! She will end the pain on her terms! Hurry and get that box covered she screamed in her head! She had something very important to do. Somewhere she had to be. In the car driving so fast yet time moving so slowly! Sobbing and pain. The pain! Can't breathe! Finally here. She climbs out of the car leaving it running. She approaches the spot. She will lay her body here. Right on the exact same spot. Still raining. Getting dark. Cooler. Wind still blowing. Road is cold and wet through the sweater. The sweater. Pink. Fluffy. Pearl buttons. Beautiful. Fits like a glove. She was still. Quiet. Listening she could here whispering. "Horrible" a voice said. "Worst I've ever seen" said another voice. But behind those ugly voices she heard the most beautiful sound...it was light and high. It wasn't a bird. This sound was calming. It was peaceful. A combination of wind and angels singing and the smell of the rain. She closed her eyes and went back. Back in time. It was the beginning and her soul was so full of joy. She began to feel light and began to drift away into her memories. Sweet sweet happy beautiful memories. Was this sleep that was coming? She was so exhausted. So much had happened. There was a lot to do and a lot of people. They were coming and going. She talked to them but doesn't know what was said. "Here." She handed the clothes to the man in the suit. That smell. The scent on those clothes was her heaven on earth. Do you want to say anything? What? When? Are you crazy she asked them. What would she be able to say? There were no words for this. Who knows a word that describes the feeling of ones stomach in their throat. Choking and sobbing. Breathing is impossible. God help her! The sobbing won't stop! Make it stop! Damn it people! Can't you hear me? Can't you help me? Hurting! The pain! Inside the head the brain feels like it will explode. Scratching. Clawing. Rocking back and forth. Black to bright light. The old gruffy looking man slowly got out of his truck. Cautiously he approached the spot. Raindrops on his face. Oh God! What was the old man thinking? He was thinking "what have I done?". The other truck that had been following him to the grainary was now there. Soon others would come. Someone had come to the front. Sheena spoke to the old gruffy man. "I recognize that pink sweater."