Overview

I had never heard of the overview effect before my freshman year. I was sitting in my fifth period Earth and Space science class, which was right before lunch when my teacher introduced us to the topic. I sat in the middle of the class and was only focusing on the delicious pastrami and cheese sandwich that was sitting in my lunch box two feet away from me when it was brought up, and for a moment I was really confused. My attention was directed away from my lunch  and back onto my teacher, and as the class discussed the topic I was in awe. I never thought about what it would feel like to be outside of the earth, and to look back down to it. I never thought about how it would feel to be in an endless void of space, looking down onto your home, where your family lived, but they would not be able to contact you. I daydreamed about what it would feel like to look over the entire world. What would it feel like? Would I feel powerful? Is this how God feels? 

I spent the rest of that class period staring at the wall in a daze. The thought of going into space and floating in the void without the earth to protect me terrified me. I would not want that to be the way I die. I would not want to die in a void, looking back down at my home, leaving my family behind without saying goodbye. I left my classroom that day heading to lunch to eat my pastrami and cheese sandwich and I could only think about the overview effect. I wanted to feel it without going into outer space. Maybe when I am older I’ll become an astronaut. 

That afternoon, on the way home from school, I was hit by a drunk driver while walking across the crosswalk. I know what you're thinking, a drunk driver at 4 pm. I know I thought the same thing. I was just trying to get home, and I was abiding by the rules of the road. I was walking when the crosswalk had the little white person. It wasn’t my fault. At first everything hurt and I wanted to scream and cry, my body felt like it was on fire, but I was also drowning, and the water I was drowning in was ice cold. Then I felt nothing at all. I didn’t know if it was shock or adrenaline but my head no longer felt as if it was going to spontaneously combust and my limbs no longer felt like they had been pulled off. An ambulance arrived in what felt like hours later but was probably only like ten minutes. I thought I was fine until I realized I was looking at myself on the stretcher. 

Everything looked wrong. The paramedics were frantically trying to fix me, pushing all sorts of medicine through an IV they stabbed into my right arm. I stared at myself for a minute and I wondered how it would feel to look at myself before I became roadkill. Both of my eyes were already massively swollen and bruised. My forehead no longer resembled any type of skin and my skull was cracked open. Blood was profusely running through my hair. It is weird being on the outside and the only thing I could think of was ‘this is what it feels like’. I was feeling the overview effect without going into space. Instead of earth I was looking at my body. 

It took no time at all before I was being run into the hospital and someone was working on my head and brain. I was hooked up to all the wires in the world, and there were many doctors working on me. It seemed my head was the worst. Maybe I am in a coma. Is this what happens to people who go into comas? I watched someone staple up my skull, and many other doctors snap my bones into place. Another doctor opened up my stomach and there was so much blood. It took a long time before I was wheeled out of the operating room, and I sat on the edge of my gurney crisscross applesauce, while I was wheeled into the ICU. I could not feel anything and I wondered if I was going to be okay. It seems like I lost all of my sense. I could not hear, smell, taste, or touch. The only thing I could do was see. I watched my mangled body for a little while until I saw my parents scrambling through the doors. I watched my mom sob and my dad's hands shaking as he asked the doctors as many questions as he could. It was weird watching over your family. I roamed to stand next to them as they talked to the doctor and I just wanted to hug my mom, and hold my dad's hands until they stopped shaking. I was their only child. The doctor seemed to say something really serious and sad because my mom dropped to the floor sobbing, while my dad just stared right through me and into my room where my body laid. I do not like this overview effect. It is downright terrifying. I wish I could go back to a couple of hours ago when everything was okay and I was in my science class learning. I wanted to forget about the overview effect and go home. Is God playing some cruel joke on me? It cannot be a coincidence that I learned about this the same day I am experiencing it. 

I watch as my mom holds my casted hand and my dad holds her and I just want to tell them I love them. I want to tell them goodbye, because I don’t think that people live outside their bodies unless they are dead. Maybe I get to turn into a ghost. A nurse comes in with papers. My mom starts to cry harder and my dad tries to stay tough. My dad fills out whatever the papers are for and my mom just hovers over my petting the small amount of hair that shows through all the bandages I sit next to myself on the opposite side of the bed of my parents. I do not exactly know what is happening but I feel the wave of fatigue, that is only brought on by getting hit by a car, wash over me. The nurse leaves with the paperwork, and my mom whispers in my ear before kissing my cheek. My dad kisses my forehead and they step back away from me as a doctor walks in. He looks as if he is explaining more things and he points to the machines I am hooked on. He asks them a question and my parents look at each other before nodding their heads. Tears stream down both of their faces, and all I can do is watch. I can only see the overview. 

Do you remember earlier in this day when I told you that floating in space looking down upon earth would be a horrible way to die? That you could not say goodbye, and you weren’t even at home. I said I didn’t want to be in a void. Yet, here I am and I have come to understand that life support was keeping my heart beating. It seemed as if I had no brain function, which would make sense because I think I left some of my brain on that cross walk.

I told my parents one time if anything ever were to happen to me, that they should donate my organs. There is a frame between the time you die and the time that your organs were no longer viable. It seems as if my parents did what I wanted. They were going to shut me off, they were going to donate my organs. That is probably what that paperwork was for. 

The doctor slowly shut off each machine and every time he did I felt lighter and lighter. It did make sense that I was still here. Does that mean I am still alive. Panic began to strangle me and I started to scream at my parents, sobbing and calling out to my mom. I didn’t know if I was in a coma or not. I know my brain scans show no sign of life but I am here. I am right here. I start to feel hazy, and my vision starts to spin. The doctor turned off the last machine and then there was nothing.

I jolt up feeling like death, and my heart racing faster than Usain Bolt. For a minute I have no clue where I am and I question if Heaven is this small. Then I realize I am sitting in my fifth period class with the lights off, and my teacher is lecturing on the overview effect. For a minute I feel like I am going to pass out considering I just died in my dream. I clasp the sides of my desk and I lock my eyes onto the slideshow. I do not want to become an astronaut. I do not want to leave earth, and I definitely never want to experience the overview effect ever again. One time was enough.