John

It has been two days, fourteen hours and twenty seven minutes since you said those words. Those damn words.

"I think you're right."

Now, usually at the sight of these words I would be on a high of my own ego. "Told ya so!" "I knew it," "You think?" However in my experience of sixteen years on this earth this phrase, the one you said to me two days, fourteen hours and twenty seven minutes ago has been one of the most soul crushing. I know you never wanted to hurt me and I know you're probably playing video games or watching Mia Khalifa, but people cope in different ways. After you decided to end things I knew I had to write something, do something, vent to family members until they were sick of it. That brings me to the keyboard again. I know that if I try to text you, call or whatever that would be very "uncool" of me.

As the Youtube Casanova Matthew Hussey says, "In order to get them crawling back, you need to have a no contact period. That way you won't look desperate."

Admittedly, I have been binging get over your ex videos. Of course while shoving my face with Ben & Jerry's. This brings me back to why I'm writing. After you decided to leave I knew I had to write something, try to express all of my teen angst down somewhere. A light bulb of sorts sparked by sadness, anger and grief led me to writing this. Part of me hopes someday you'll find it. Here it goes, everything I want to say to you so badly:

Dear John,

This space of emptiness is quite terrifying and I hope you don't take offense to that one part at the beginning. Truly, this is quite terrifying. You never gave me a chance to have the entire floor to myself. Not that I minded all the time because your rants about Nintendo, hypotheticals and building computers were funny to listen to.

I always loved those moments when you got passionate, your eyes lighted up with life and your voice became clear and strong. That's why the moments of depression and self loathing were just so- yeah. You already know. You've heard me say a million times over how much I see in you. I just wish you could see that in yourself. I should've known that this wouldn't have lasted. It felt like I was living out the dream of my middle school self who you called "a pile of aids" on the night of my Bat Mitzvah when I told you I liked you. I'm sorry, I know I should be over that at this point. I know you have regrets and trust me I do too. I just want to reminisce a bit. Do you remember that time back in elementary school when we hung out during recess and Ally kept telling us to date? Or when we'd discuss or favorite cartoons on the playground? Middle school classes with you were honestly the best. I remember passing you notes across the room when our teachers would get mad at us for talking so much. I remember sitting on the bleachers during gym class with you while trying to avoid as much physical activity as possible. And, I remember you telling me to stay out of your life.

You really hurt me. Twice. I never wanted to tell you this, but that night you said those words, those damn words, it got so bad I had to make a call. My eyes were blurred with tears and my voice was shaky. Images of pill bottles or knives were stuck in my mind and I couldn't get them out. I just couldn't. I know in our relationship I was always the one who kept my cool. I was extroverted and popular, I had changed from the scared shy girl in middle school, but that night I lost it. Some guy on the other line helped me calm down. The next day I knew I could keep going. I now know I'm strong enough to get through this without you. Don't worry, please. I'm ok now and I know we had to end. It's just you said those words as of now two days and fifteen hours ago my soul ripped from my body. I couldn't breathe. I know I said the whole "we need to talk" thing at the beginning, but truly I never wanted this to end. I just realized that I deserved better than someone who couldn't muster up enough courage to go on dates with me, someone who didn't even like themself and lacked self respect. Even with all of this, I never wanted to lose you.

I miss you calling me your favorite, using the phrase I came up with "I'm falling in like with you." Using purple hearts on our phone screens because purple is your favorite color. Really, the memories bring me more joy than you will ever know. But at this point I know we ended for a reason. I know that you weren't ready for a relationship and we both need to work on ourselves. I've realized my own worth and I can live without you. You need to work on yourself as well and I'm just a distraction. I think people come into our lives at different points for a reason. You taught me how to love myself, truly care about someone else and be alone. Maybe one day you'll find this letter, but as of now I don't ever feel the need to speak to you again. You've already broken me twice. I thank you for teaching me fix myself on my own and being a close friend, but at this point I feel like I was used. I hope you learn from all of this, work on yourself and never make any girl cry again. I hope my sacrifice of emotions will be to the benefit of someone else. Most importantly I hope this allows me to move on from this chapter of my life and start writing about the next.

Your favorite,

Zoe