Grow up

The car ride seemed like hours, the energy wasn't easy and my body was tense, my jaw clenched and there was so many things I wanted to yell at him.

I have grown past that violence, I no longer re act that way, even though my body tried and my mind tried a little hard, I didn't let myself slip.

It was only a 30min trip in reality.

I asked him how the food was, he's reply was "ok"

Simple dead end conversations all the way.

Then I composed myself from anger to love, looked him in the eyes, I told him it was time to grow up, that he's wasted the last 10 years, can he even see it. 40 years old, yeah. 1984, that determined young man is no more?

He sits there with his head bowed, as if he is reminiscing on the past time, maybe feeling ashamed, defeated.

I tell him to put a mirror next to his bed so he can wake up to himself.

A father he hasn't been, a brother I needed him to be, a son of only a father now.

A drug addict, with a victim mentality.

It's time to grow up!

You want change, you have to change!

Not over night, but every morning you awake, you decide, you tell yourself.

So to my surprise the next day, he goes out and buys a mirror, I know he thinks it's cliche, but he places it next to his bed.

He wakes up to himself every day.

Plus every night before bed, he reflects on what has been, what he has achieved, he notices after just one week of this behavior, that his mindset is changing, he is feeling a sense of achievement, he is feeling control and self belief, he finds he is focusing on the positive and pushing to be a better person, a better father, a better brother and a better son.

He notices the wrinkles in his skin on his face when staring at his reflection, he see's the years, in the scars and depths of his lines, he remembers the year's past, he remembers his mother passed, he remembers the good times and sees the wrinkles from laughs .

He wakes up to himself every day, and I'm not sure if he realises but he will have to do this for the restof his life.

So only a week in, a week clean, he expects forgiveness and this new life to just be, but for me it is hard to just let go of all that has been, how can I forgot all that I've seen.

I will walk afar still supporting his journey but I can't let him lean on me, because my bitterness isn't yet free.

My heart feels heavy, there is alot of sorrow.

I still have a faith he will wake up to himself tomorrow.

I've been addicted too, but a different substance but does that mean anything? I feel, I can relate, I know the stress and the hold it has, the feeling of being incomplete.

I also know it gets easier.

I hope he wakes up to himself in the morning, for the rest of his life.

I have faith he will be the father he needed, he will encourage and support his children just like he needed when he was a boy, because he is waking up! Looking in. Reflecting.

All the past lives he has lived, the people he has met, the things he has done, good and bad, really seeing it all for what it is.

Accepting it, sitting with it, letting it go.

Now sitting with himself, all he is now in this moment.

Does he see it's freedom, does he feel the freeing of it, of waking up.

It's better than a hit, it's better than adrenalin, it's better than ego.

It all comes back to love.

Self belief and respect.

Ending a cycle, a repetitive, cruel, evil, hatred cycle.

That was feeding on, self disbelief, and false feelings.

Poverty stricken lifestyles, not seeing past the pity life of fake pleasure and the want for more.

But now the environment has changed, he's perception has changed, he's reflection has changed, so all the web's have been spun in order for gratitude and happiness.

He has fate in his hands.

I wonder if he will fall back into the cycle, or if he will evolve, will he see passed the past and future and stay present.

He has the ability, he has the inspiration, does he have the motive though?

Can I let go of all my expectations of him and let him do whatever it is he will to live the life he chooses.

Can I see passed his past and future and just be present. Maybe it's not even about him, it's about me, looking in so then I can see clearly out. Well how about that, maybe it is me? Maybe I am the reflection?

Are we all just a reflection?

I do not see him for what he is, I see him for what I am.

So therefore I am unforgiving.

I am hesitant and suspicious.

I am doubtful and cautious.

I am seeing things for what they were or will be. Not for what they are.

I must let go.

I must look in the mirror and see i am here, time has passed me just the same, the lines on my face tell a story, these eyes have passed tears like a stormy night.

My lips have passed words that are unforgiving and my laugh has been loud like thunder.

I have lived many lives and always wanted more.

I need to be present, to be present.

He wants to be my brother, I should gift him this present.

Because all we truly have is here and now.

Let's live

Forgive.

Because before we know it, we'll be all grown up.

I will wake up to myself every morning for the rest of my life so I should enjoy it too.